![Find Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater on Amazon](https://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BNzIxMTUxMjYzMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDYwMjE0Nw@@._V1_SX300.jpg)
Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater
- Year:
- 2011
- 63 min
- 405 Views
[indistinct chatter]
-- Louis!
-- Louis!
[indistinct chatter]
[cheering]
Alright, let's get started.
Go ahead, sit down.
Okay, yes, sit down,
we're just starting.
There's no opening act.
F*** it. Just, let's start.
Let's just start.
Get your seats.
Get your beers and everybody
go ahead, sit down.
Kill the house lights.
Let's just start.
Let's just start a show.
There's no point in
screwing around.
I'll do all the anouncements
that you would have heard.
Please turn off your cell phones.
You can take pictures but
turn off the flash.
That's stupid,
because it's not--
You know when you're watching the
World Series and there's all that--
Like your flash is lighting
Yankee Stadium.
Don't yell out during the show.
If you have something you
want to say to me...
This is what we do.
We write it down
and then you go
outside in the lobby
and then you go home and
you kill yourself
because, that's selfish.
This is a rhetorical performance.
It's got nothing to do with you.
Don't text or twitter during
the show. Just live your life.
Don't keep telling people
what you're doing.
Just, because also--
also--
it lights up your big
dumb face. It lights it up.
I see this beautiful see of
darkness and then just one guy.
So, don't do that.
What else? No jews,
I think they said that earlier.
They told me I have to say it.
Jews aren't allowed.
If you're jewish this
is a good time to go.
If you see somebody kind of Jewey
looking then please tell an usher
and they will--
Sir, come on.
Let's go. Come on.
Yes, let's go.
But, I'm really glad you're here.
This is a sizeable crowd.
This is a big place.
There's about 2500 people
here, and that's--
That's a lot of people.
a sample of the population.
you're all going to experience--
say that within two months
at least one of you will die.
I'm just saying. I think it's
probably accurate to say
that out of any random
group of 2500 people
not all of you are gonna make
it to Christmas, unfortunately.
There's gonna be--
At least one of you here tonight
is going to ruin your
family's Christmas
And I don't know
who it is, I'm sorry.
I don't know, your
death is whatever--
Some people, they want you to do
things when they die with their--
"I want you to take my
ashes and sprinkle--"
F*** you, I'm not doing
none of that sh*t.
You're dead.
I'm not going to run errands
for you after you're dead.
You don't matter anymore.
Some people try to do something
noble with their bodies.
They try to have their bodies
have some use after they're dead,
which I think is a good thought.
You're only borrowing your body.
You're only borrowing everything.
If you're body's worth anything
when you're done with it
you should pass it on.
That's something I really believe.
I mean, I'm not going
to do it, because
I don't want--eew--it's mine.
I don't want--
I have a lot of beliefs
and I live by none of them.
That's just the way I am.
They're just my beliefs.
I just like believing them.
I like that part.
They're my little believies.
They make me feel good
about who I am.
But if they get in the
way of a thing I want
or I want to jack off or
something, I f***ing do that.
But--
But some people take their--
my grandma, uh, grandmother
She--just, uh, for the layman--
My grandmother,
she gave her body to
a medical school
for it just to be
examined and disected,
which is a good thought for that.
But you know her survivors
are--her family---
That was a person.
That was my grandmother.
She used to wear glasses
and say things.
And now she's just shaved
head on a metal table
with a hungover medical student
trying to dig our her pancreas.
And he gets an "F".
Imagine being the body where
the kid got an "F" on you.
The teacher's like,
"No, you idiot."
And he writes "F" on her tit
with a Sharpie and just
throws her down a shoot
on a pile of "F" bodies.
So, I don't care about her.
[shout from audience] Louis!
Shut up, idiot.
Just shut your f***ing mouth.
Didn't you hear me before?
Okay, so what am I going to do
with my body. I'm going to die
and I have to tell people
what to do with my remains.
I have an idea for something
to do with my body
or for other people to do with it,
that will do good in the world.
It doesn't exist yet
as an institution
starting with my body.
What it is, it's a place
where you can go
and be with a dead body
and you just do
whatever you want.
And--
the point of this
is that there are people out there
who have sexual compulsions
and they can't control them
and so they go and they
bother alive people.
And with this you get it
out of your system.
This is the deal.
You go in the room.
There's nobody else with you.
You've got 90 minutes.
You just do whatever you
want, whatever it is.
Sh*t in my mouth.
You want to--
Stick my toe in your p*ssy.
Piss on my face.
Whatever is the thing you gotta do.
Jack off with the cartilage of my ear.
Whatever is your heart's desire.
I want to be the Willy Wonka
for perverts.
[singing] You can come on my back
and pretend that I'm your father.
[singing] I am dead, I don't mind.
Sexual perversion is a problem.
You can't stop it.
People gotta do what they gotta do.
This country is pretty perverted.
We have to jack off to everything.
There's not sex and then everything.
Sex is in everything.
You watch the news and
"And in Libya..."
Yeah tell me about Libya.
F***ing tell me about Libya.
Say, "Libya" again.
Come on, f***ing right up to
the screen, on my flatscreen.
Come on, say, "Libya" again.
[grunting]
It should just be a person,
"In Libya..." or whatever.
Why does it all have
to be so sexualized?
And music, every
musician is attractive.
Isn't that a weird coincidence
that everyone who can play
music also looks good?
be one ugly guy with a guitar
who would be amazing.
But, f***ing zero.
And there's teen pop idols
who are children.
And they're on TV going--
It's a kid
and folks are jacking off to them.
"Folks."
Just "Folks" are jacking off.
[singing] Well, folks are jacking
off to the girls on TV.
Some of them are really young.
I don't know their names.
I don't have that
knowledge anymore.
I'm too old.
When I think of a teen idol,
there's Britney Spears.
Because she's my age now.
That's how long ago that was.
She caught up to me.
When I was 35, she was 18.
And now we're both 44 years old.
So that's how little I know about
what if there was a
baby who was born
and there's been a lot of f***ed up
babies, all kinds of babies born.
There's been babies
connected at the face,
to a dog or whatever,
babies with three legs,
with hands on them.
There's been
Chinese babies.
Translation
Translate and read this script in other languages:
Select another language:
- - Select -
- 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
- 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
- Español (Spanish)
- Esperanto (Esperanto)
- 日本語 (Japanese)
- Português (Portuguese)
- Deutsch (German)
- العربية (Arabic)
- Français (French)
- Русский (Russian)
- ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
- 한국어 (Korean)
- עברית (Hebrew)
- Gaeilge (Irish)
- Українська (Ukrainian)
- اردو (Urdu)
- Magyar (Hungarian)
- मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
- Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Italiano (Italian)
- தமிழ் (Tamil)
- Türkçe (Turkish)
- తెలుగు (Telugu)
- ภาษาไทย (Thai)
- Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
- Čeština (Czech)
- Polski (Polish)
- Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Românește (Romanian)
- Nederlands (Dutch)
- Ελληνικά (Greek)
- Latinum (Latin)
- Svenska (Swedish)
- Dansk (Danish)
- Suomi (Finnish)
- فارسی (Persian)
- ייִדיש (Yiddish)
- հայերեն (Armenian)
- Norsk (Norwegian)
- English (English)
Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
Style:MLAChicagoAPA
"Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 5 Jul 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/louis_c.k._-_live_at_the_beacon_theater_12883>.
Discuss this script with the community:
Report Comment
We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.
If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly.
Attachment
You need to be logged in to favorite.
Log In