Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater

---

[indistinct chatter]

-- Louis!

-- Louis!

[indistinct chatter]

[cheering]

Alright, let's get started.

Go ahead, sit down.

Okay, yes, sit down,

we're just starting.

There's no opening act.

F*** it. Just, let's start.

Let's just start.

Get your seats.

Get your beers and everybody

go ahead, sit down.

Kill the house lights.

Let's just start.

Let's just start a show.

There's no point in

screwing around.

I'll do all the anouncements

that you would have heard.

Please turn off your cell phones.

You can take pictures but

turn off the flash.

That's stupid,

because it's not--

You know when you're watching the

World Series and there's all that--

Like your flash is lighting

Yankee Stadium.

Just leave your flash off.

Don't yell out during the show.

If you have something you

want to say to me...

This is what we do.

We write it down

and then you go

outside in the lobby

and then you go home and

you kill yourself

because, that's selfish.

This is a rhetorical performance.

It's got nothing to do with you.

Don't text or twitter during

the show. Just live your life.

Don't keep telling people

what you're doing.

Just, because also--

also--

it lights up your big

dumb face. It lights it up.

I see this beautiful see of

darkness and then just one guy.

So, don't do that.

What else? No jews,

I think they said that earlier.

They told me I have to say it.

Jews aren't allowed.

If you're jewish this

is a good time to go.

If you see somebody kind of Jewey

looking then please tell an usher

and they will--

Sir, come on.

Let's go. Come on.

Yes, let's go.

But, I'm really glad you're here.

This is a sizeable crowd.

This is a big place.

There's about 2500 people

here, and that's--

That's a lot of people.

That's enough people to be

a sample of the population.

you're all going to experience--

There's enough people here to

say that within two months

at least one of you will die.

I'm just saying. I think it's

probably accurate to say

that out of any random

group of 2500 people

not all of you are gonna make

it to Christmas, unfortunately.

There's gonna be--

At least one of you here tonight

is going to ruin your

family's Christmas

by dying a shitty death.

And I don't know

who it is, I'm sorry.

I don't know, your

death is whatever--

Some people, they want you to do

things when they die with their--

"I want you to take my

ashes and sprinkle--"

F*** you, I'm not doing

none of that sh*t.

You're dead.

I'm not going to run errands

for you after you're dead.

You don't matter anymore.

Some people try to do something

noble with their bodies.

They try to have their bodies

have some use after they're dead,

which I think is a good thought.

You're only borrowing your body.

You're only borrowing everything.

If you're body's worth anything

when you're done with it

you should pass it on.

That's something I really believe.

I mean, I'm not going

to do it, because

I don't want--eew--it's mine.

I don't want--

I have a lot of beliefs

and I live by none of them.

That's just the way I am.

They're just my beliefs.

I just like believing them.

I like that part.

They're my little believies.

They make me feel good

about who I am.

But if they get in the

way of a thing I want

or I want to jack off or

something, I f***ing do that.

But--

But some people take their--

my grandma, uh, grandmother

She--just, uh, for the layman--

My grandmother,

she gave her body to

a medical school

for it just to be

examined and disected,

which is a good thought for that.

But you know her survivors

are--her family---

That was a person.

That was my grandmother.

She used to wear glasses

and say things.

And now she's just shaved

head on a metal table

with a hungover medical student

trying to dig our her pancreas.

And he gets an "F".

Imagine being the body where

the kid got an "F" on you.

The teacher's like,

"No, you idiot."

And he writes "F" on her tit

with a Sharpie and just

throws her down a shoot

on a pile of "F" bodies.

So, I don't care about her.

[shout from audience] Louis!

Shut up, idiot.

Just shut your f***ing mouth.

Didn't you hear me before?

Okay, so what am I going to do

with my body. I'm going to die

and I have to tell people

what to do with my remains.

I have an idea for something

to do with my body

or for other people to do with it,

that will do good in the world.

It doesn't exist yet

as an institution

but I'm gonna create it,

starting with my body.

What it is, it's a place

where you can go

and be with a dead body

and you just do

whatever you want.

And--

the point of this

is that there are people out there

who have sexual compulsions

and they can't control them

and so they go and they

bother alive people.

And with this you get it

out of your system.

This is the deal.

You go in the room.

There's nobody else with you.

You've got 90 minutes.

You just do whatever you

want, whatever it is.

Sh*t in my mouth.

You want to--

Stick my toe in your p*ssy.

Piss on my face.

Whatever is the thing you gotta do.

Jack off with the cartilage of my ear.

Whatever is your heart's desire.

I want to be the Willy Wonka

for perverts.

[singing] You can come on my back

and pretend that I'm your father.

[singing] I am dead, I don't mind.

Sexual perversion is a problem.

You can't stop it.

People gotta do what they gotta do.

This country is pretty perverted.

We have to jack off to everything.

There's not sex and then everything.

Sex is in everything.

You watch the news and

there's a woman telling you,

"And in Libya..."

Yeah tell me about Libya.

F***ing tell me about Libya.

Say, "Libya" again.

Come on, f***ing right up to

the screen, on my flatscreen.

Come on, say, "Libya" again.

[grunting]

It should just be a person,

"In Libya..." or whatever.

Why does it all have

to be so sexualized?

And music, every

musician is attractive.

Isn't that a weird coincidence

that everyone who can play

music also looks good?

I would have thought there'd

be one ugly guy with a guitar

who would be amazing.

But, f***ing zero.

And there's teen pop idols

who are children.

And they're on TV going--

It's a kid

and folks are jacking off to them.

"Folks."

Just "Folks" are jacking off.

[singing] Well, folks are jacking

off to the girls on TV.

Some of them are really young.

I don't know their names.

I don't have that

knowledge anymore.

I'm too old.

When I think of a teen idol,

there's Britney Spears.

Because she's my age now.

That's how long ago that was.

She caught up to me.

When I was 35, she was 18.

And now we're both 44 years old.

So that's how little I know about

who these people are.

I was thinking the other day,

what if there was a

baby who was born

and there's been a lot of f***ed up

babies, all kinds of babies born.

There's been babies

connected at the face,

to a dog or whatever,

babies with three legs,

with hands on them.

There's been

Chinese babies.

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