Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #2

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That's--

Okay, that's--

That's the worst thing I ever said.

I think I just finally said

the worst thing I have ever said.

That was totally

unredeeming and horrible.

And it feels good.

It feels good to have

found bottom.

There's a comfort in knowing

that I just said the worst thing I'll

ever say in the rest of my life.

[exhaling]

It's good.

All right.

Yeah, I'm not a good guy.

I am not.

I wish I was a good guy.

I like the idea of being

a good guy.

Sometimes I have the opportunity

to be a good guy and then I

don't necessarily do it.

I was on a plane once and

I was flying first class,

because I had a thing.

I first class.

Who cares?

Just-- That's the way it is.

I don't-- I'm not like you.

I'm not. I'm not.

All the things you do, I do a

better version of all those things.

And--

It's only for another year at

the most, believe me.

It's not gonna last.

It's been about eight months.

I've got a year left and then I'm

back to being just like you.

But for now, it's pretty good.

I'm in a first class seat and

first class is so crazily better.

It's so much better.

You get a bigger seat.

You get food.

But also, you get to sit first.

You get to sit before

anybody else does.

They sit you down and you get

to just sit there with champagne

and watch all the sweaty,

miserable,

all the single moms hefting

their stroller and the kid.

"That looks heavy and nobody's

helping you. That's a drag."

And you get to just--

Anyway, so I'm on the plane.

I'm in first class

and this soldier gets on the plane.

I see soldiers fly all the time

because that's how they

get to the war.

They fly on a shitty airline.

You think they get to go on a

cool green plane with a red light.

"Go! Go! Go!"

No, they just go to Delta.

And they just

wait in line to go to a war.

And they always fly coach.

I've never seen a soldier in

first class in my life.

It could be a full bird colonel,

he's between two fat

guys in coach.

And they're always nice.

I've never seen a soldier

get on a plane--

"Hey, I'm in the Army."

"F*** you. I have a gun."

They're always, "Oh, yes sir.

Thank you very much ma'am."

It's like having an extra flight attendant.

They help everybody put their sh*t up.

They're awesome.

And every time that I see a

soldier on a plane, I always think,

You know what,

I should give him my seat.

It would be the right thing to do.

It would be easy to do and it

would mean a lot to him.

I could go up to him, "Hey, Son."

I get to call him, "Son."

"Hey, son, go ahead

and take my seat."

Because I'm in first class, why,

for being a professional a**hole.

I'm in first class because I talk

about babies with big d*cks.

That's what got me my seat.

This guy is giving his life

for the country, he thinks,

and so he has to sit--

But that's good enough.

That's good enough,

the fact that he thinks it.

I'm serious.

He's f***ing told by everybody

in his life system

that that's a great thing

to do and he's doing it.

And it's scary but he's doing it.

And he's sitting in this shitty seat

and I should trade with him.

I never have.

Let me make that clear.

I've never done it once.

I've had so many opportunities.

I never even really,

seriously came close.

And here's the worst part.

I still just enjoy the fantasy

for myself to enjoy.

I was actually proud of myself

for having thought of it.

I was proud.

Ah, I am such a sweet man.

That is so nice of me

to think of that and then

totally never do it.

At least you should be good

just to the people--

Just turn a good face to the

people that you see in life.

I don't do that either

because when I get in the

elevator in my building--

That's my first contact

with human beings after

being home and just being

disgusting for hours.

Then I come out of the elevator

and there's always a guy on

the elevator who's nice.

And I hate it.

I get really upset when people

say nice things to me.

That's not a good impulse.

I get in the elevator and there's

always this one guy who just--

He sticks his face right in the

front of his f***ing head.

"Hi!" He just floats it out

there like a big balloon.

"Hey, how's it going?"

I get upset.

I get cagey.

I get this weird impulse that

I want to come on his face.

I don't know why that's the thing,

but that's what I think about.

I wish I could just secrete come

without the sexual workup,

like as a defense,

like a squid or a skunk.

Not sexually. I mean agressively.

"Hi!"

[spurt]

"Jesus, man."

"You just came in my eye."

I just want to go downstairs.

I don't want to talk.

Alright, this is going a little off the

rails. I don't remember what I was

trying to say.

I'd like to be a better person.

I would.

I'd like to be a better person.

And I think I'm getting

worse as a person.

Because as you get older

you start finding out--

Let me give you an example.

I rented a car a couple weeks

ago, in Los Angeles

I had the car for a few days

and then when I went home I had

to drop the car at the rental place.

You gotta go to the rental place

that's off the airport,

give them the car, give them

your thing with the mileage.

You gotta get on a bus and then

go to your terminal and check in.

I was late and I was worried

about missing my flight.

So I knew I had no time

to do any of that.

So I just

--I never did this before--

I just drove my car

right to the terminal

and just left it there.

Then I got on the plane.

Once I got on the plane and

had a moment I called

Hertz and I said,

Hey, listen, your car is sitting

out in front of terminal four

and the keys are in it.

So, that's where it is."

And the guy's like,

"You can't do that."

"You have to return it to

the location and then get--"

Well, I didn't do that already,

and now I'm leaving California.

So if you want your car you need

to go to that place where it is.

And he was like,

"Awww, Jesus man."

"Well, alright. We'll get it."

And he-- That was the end of it.

And I realized I could

do this every time,

every time I rented a car.

Because of course they want

you to do all that sh*t.

But if you don't they

still want the car back.

They're going to send a dude.

You could drive a car until

you don't want it.

Just get out of it while it's

moving and just walk away.

No, I don't feel like being

in that car any longer.

Just call Hertz.

Hi, your car is drifting into the

intersection of 28th and Broadway,

if you're interested.

It's now your problem.

But see, this is a

terrible realization

because you should act in a way

that if everybody acted that

way things would work out.

You should, because it would be

mayhem if everybody was like that.

And most people kind of don't care.

Most people are very selfish.

Most people don't give

a sh*t what happens

as long as they get to

do their favorite thing.

People don't even want to back

off from their favorite thing.

They won't even do their

second favorite thing.

You ever seen somebody in trouble,

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