Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #3

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like they're at an intersection

and they want to make a left,

but they're in the right--

the all the way right lane

because they messed up.

So, here's the guy.

He's in the right lane.

And there's a lot cars,

like 6th avenue.

A lot of cars.

And he wants to make that left.

So what does he do?

He just does it anyway.

He just goes at it.

He just shoves his car

through everybody's life

without any--

And everybody's honking and

outraged and you always

see they guy go,

"I have to. I have to."

"There's no other possible

thing I could do."

"What else could I do, except

go up one more block

and then go left and

take four seconds."

"That's not my favorite way, though!"

"That only meets 99% of my criteria."

But I'm selfish.

I would like to be a better person,

because I have kids.

And I want to pass on a better--

Sometimes it's not clear what

the right thing is to do.

One time I threw a candy

wrapper on the street.

I didn't do it like, "Yeah!"

I just--

Yeah, take that sh*t, street.

I did it because I was shaking.

I wanted the candy.

Anyway, I was with a friend

who said to me, "You just littered

on the street. Don't you care

about the environment?"

And I thought about it and I said,

You know what, this

isn't 'The Environment'.

This is New York City.

This is not 'The Environment'.

This is where people live.

New York City is not the environment.

New York City is a giant piece of litter.

It's the giantest, next to Mexico

City, the shittiest piece of litter

in the world.

Just a p*ssy, runny, smoking,

stinking piece of litter.

So if you have a piece of litter,

what are you supposed

to do with it?

You should throw it

on the pile of litter.

Because if you don't,

if you put it in a receptacle

then it gets collected and

it gets taken to a dump

and a landfill and then

it goes on a boat.

And it goes out and gets

dumped in the ocean and

some dolphin wears it

as a hat on its face

for ten years, this hat that

never dissolves, on its face.

Ugh.

Jesus.

[dolphin clicking]

Everything that we introduce

to the world is shitty...

...meaning white people.

Because--

I really think that white people

are from another planet

because when we came to

America, it was so nice.

It was just Indians.

And they weren't even Indians.

We called them that by accident.

And we still call them that.

We knew in a month

that it wasn't Indians

but we just don't give a sh*t.

We never correct it.

We came here.

They're like, "Hi."

And we're like,

"Hey, you're Indians, right?"

And they're like, "No."

"No, this is India, right?"

"No, it's not. It's a totally other place."

"You're not Indians?"

"No."

"Ahh, you're Indians."

"You're Indians for hundreds

of years after."

We ruined everything here.

This was the great--

It was just coast-to-coast

green, brown and beautiful.

And all the humans were

just walking around

with painted faces,

just walking.

And they'd be like,

"Oh, that looks yummy."

And they'd just eat from the ground.

And then they'd sleep on the grass.

And they'd wake up and they'd f***.

And then they'd go for a swim

and do a little dance.

That was the whole continent,

just folks doing that.

I mean there was people in

Mexico cutting off kids' heads

and rolling them down

the pyramid stairs.

But that's--

I mean...

That's always going on.

You know--

You can't do a whole

lot about that.

But I think we came

from another planet

and the reason is we

don't like it here.

Why, if we're from here,

if we belong on Earth,

why aren't we comfortable

on Earth, at all?

We need nice smooth surfaces

and right angles and we

need it to be cool

and not too hot, just a

little dit-dit just perfect.

Why wouldn't, when it's hot,

why wouldn't we just--

"Yeah, f*** it."

Why wouldn't we be like

that if we belonged here?

And it's weird because

people that are--

You know, there's

environmentalists

and there's people who

just hate environmentalists.

People get angry

at environmentalists

because they think they're

slowing down the economy

and creating restrictions and a lot

of these people are Christian.

A lot of these people are

very devout Christians

and that's such a

confusing thing to me,

that if you believe that

God gave you the Earth,

that God created Earth for you,

why would you not

have to look after it?

Why the f***--

Why would you not think that when

he came back he wouldn't go,

"What the f*** did you do?"

"I gave this to you, motherf***er.

Are you crazy?"

"The polar bears are brown."

"What did you do to the polar bears?"

"Did you sh*t all over

every polar bear?"

"What did you--who did this?

Who spilled this sh*t?

Who spilled this?"

"Come over here. Did you

f***ing spill this? What is that?"

"It's oil. It's just some oil.

I didn't mean to spill--"

"Well why did you take it

out of the f***ing ground?"

"Because I wanted to go faster."

"I'm not fast enough."

"And I was cold."

"What the f*** do you mean, 'cold'?"

"I gave you everything you

needed, you piece of sh*t."

"Well, because jobs, and I wanted--"

"What is a job? Explain to me,

what's a f***ing job?"

"Well, like you work at a

place and people call

when their game doesn't work

and you help them figure it out."

"What do you do that for?"

"For money."

"What do you need money for?"

"Food."

"Just eat the sh*t on the floor."

"I left sh*t all over the floor."

"F***ing corn and wheat and sh*t.

Grind it up, make some bread.

What are you doing?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't have,

like, bacon around it."

"And like-- I like when it

has bacon on it."

I watched somebody do that the

other day after a meal they went,

"Oh, it was just--"

And I started wondering,

what does that mean?

What does that signify?

I think what it means is that you

ate something so delicious

that you then kissed

somebody on the a**hole

and their a**hole exploded.

That's some good eating.

That's a nice sauce.

"Is that good?"

"Yeah, let me show you."

"Sh*t. Let me have some of that."

That just destroyed my anus.

Anyway, I got kids and

that's sort of what I'm trying to say.

It's hard having kids

because it's boring.

That really is the hardest

part of having kids.

Ask any parent, What's the hard part?

Is it looking after their health care?

Is it making sure that their education--

No, it's being with them on the floor

while they be children.

It's just--

They read Clifford the

Big Red Dog to you

at a rate of 50 minutes a page.

And you have to sit there

and be horribly proud and bored

at the same time.

I hate Clifford the Big Red Dog.

I hate him.

There's 50 books about

Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Fifty books.

There's seven books about Narnia

that cover the birth and death of a nation

and mice with swords

and a lion who's a god.

They did it in seven books.

Fifty books about

Clifford the Big Red Dog,

and they all tell the exact same story.

Look how big this dog is.

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