Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #4

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That's it.

Look how big this dog is.

That's the whole book.

Here's how big he was at the firehouse.

Here's how big he was at Thanksgiving.

Who gives a sh*t?

You just drew him big.

You just, on purpose, made

him bigger than people.

It should be, "Look how big

I drew the dog in this book."

"Isn't that a mistake?"

There's no story.

You maybe even just drew him

closer to the page. I don't even

know if you did it honestly.

Tell a story about Clifford.

Make something happen, where

maybe he steps on a policeman

and shatters his spine and it's

devastating to the community.

He hangs on for two months and then dies.

And there's a whole, you know,

funeral with bagpipes and

everybody's crying.

And Clifford gets the death penalty.

There's a whole book about

his appeal process and how

he found Jesus but everybody

said it was bullshit.

The cop's wife was like,

"I want that dog dead!"

And then he goes to the chair

and they shave all his red

fur off and now he's

Clifford the Big Pink Dog.

Put him on a big funny electric

chair that the town got

together and built.

It's boring having kids.

You gotta play kid games.

You gotta play board games,

little kid board games where you--

And then you go dit-dit-dit

You got a six, honey.

One.

Two.

Three.

It's just here. Just go here. It's just--

Daddy, I'm learning.

I know. You're going to grow up

stupid because I'm bored. I

can't take it, baby. I can't.

I can't watch it.

I'm bored more than I love you.

I can't. I just--

Come on.

My girls are six and nine now.

They're actually a really exciting

age because they're learning

to do some cool stuff.

I played Monopoly with my kids.

That's really fun.

My nine year old, she can

totally do Monopoly.

The six year old actually totally

gets how the game works

but she's not emotionally

developed enough

to handle her inevitable loss

in every game of Monopoly.

Because, a Monopoly loss is dark.

It's heavy.

It's not like when you lose at Candyland.

Oh, you got stuck in the fudgey

thing, baby. Oh, well.

You're in the gummy twirly-ohs

and you didn't get to win.

But when she loses at Monopoly I

gotta look at her little face and go,

Okay, sweetie, here's what's

gonna happen now, okay?

All your property,

everything you have,

all your railroads, your houses,

all your money,

that's mine now.

Gotta give it all to me.

No, give it to me. That's right.

No, no you can't play

anymore, see, because

even though you're giving me all of that

it doesn't even touch how

much you owe me.

It doesn't even touch it, baby.

You're going down hard. It's really bad.

All you've been working for all day,

I'm going to take it now

and I'm going to use it to

destroy your sister.

I mean, I'm going to ruin her.

It's just mayhem on this

board for her now.

When you have kids you also have to

belong to kid and parent culture.

You have to know a lot of parents

and a lot of other kids.

You have to hang out

with other kids.

Sometimes they're not

even kids you know.

When I go to parks with my

kids, I play with them.

I play with my kids.

Some people don't do that.

They just take their kids to the park

so they don't have to talk to them,

and those kids kind of

glom on to our sh*t.

I'll be sitting at the park playing

a fun game with my kids

and there's this woman on a

bench. She's got her phone

and she's just staring at her phone.

And her kid's like, "Mommy, talk to me."

"Leave me alone. I'm trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!"

And then the kid comes up to us,

"Can I be in your family?"

It's creepy.

One time I was at a swimming

pool with my kids, a public pool.

I had my daughter, my six

year old, on my arm like this.

She was like clamped on, and

she's kicking. It was so much fun.

And then she got off and another

random child just clamped on.

It's like a rat. Get off of me.

"But I love you."

I don't know you, kid. Stop.

I think that kid's dead. I don't

know what happened.

Some kids in my kid's class,

I like some of those kids.

Some of those kids are cool. They

come over to my house and they

play with my--I like them.

Other kids I don't like,

especially the little boys.

Little boys in my kid's class,

I hate them. I hate little boys.

I'm like the opposite of a

pedophile. I just hate--

There's one kid in my daughter's

class who I hate so much,

and it's really f***ed up because I'm 44

and I hate a six year old.

I mean, I hate him

with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate.

I've thought about him three

times since I came out here.

That's how much I really hate this kid.

I'm going to tell you about him and

I have to make up a name

because he's a real child

who lives in this city, so I have to

make up a name in order to

tell this story about him.

His name is just, Jezanthepuss.

Let's just call him Jezanthepuss.

Jezanthepuss. Fine.

Okay.

He's in my daughter's class.

They're in first grade.

When we take our kids to class,

there's a little procedure.

You bring your kid to school and

they have their backpack

and their jacket

and they go to their cubby

and take it all off and they

put it in the cubby.

Then they take their homework

folder and their lunchbox

and put them in the bins.

Those are their little responsibilities.

You help them do it so

they'll, blah blah blah.

But, Jezanthepuss--

When he comes in he doesn't

do none of that sh*t.

He just walks in and just sheds it all.

And his mom, his weak, piece of sh*t mom

picks it all up.

I hate his mother

because you hate a weak

parent, when you're a parent.

Because it's like you're raising

Hitler, motherf***er. Do your job!

Get in there.

If our parent group and our class

were a platoon of soldiers,

she'd be the one that we'd

put soap bars in socks and--

We'd frag that b*tch in her sleep.

She would wash right the f*** out.

She wouldn't make it.

When Jezanthepuss drops his sh*t,

this b*tch picks it up.

She just goes,

"He just... I'll get..."

"I'll get it..."

"And then I'll put it in the bins for him."

And she puts it all away for him,

which frees him up to punch

other kids in the face

because he's a shitty,

horrible, violent child.

One time I was at school,

and I was volunteering at recess.

It's something you do, you know,

if you're a good parent,

about once a month

or whatever it is.

You go to school

and you just stand there

and you watch recess.

You masturbate, whatever

you want to do.

That is now the worst thing.

That's the worst thing.

Now that's the worst thing I

ever said. Okay. Alright.

We'll find it.

I mean you could. It's a public

school nobody would even give a sh*t.

But, I haven't thus far.

It hasn't gotten that bad.

Anyway, I'm watching recess

and recess is a trip.

If you've never been to recess,

it's intense because it's

like the universe.

You know if you watch the ocean crash,

waves on the beach for a long time,

you start feeling like you're

understanding how everything works.

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