Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #5

---

That's what recess is like, because

every natural, chaotic energy

is represented at recess.

There's kids swirling around in

these big roiling crazy things.

There's one kid just spazzing

out just to some singularity kid.

It's a binary system of two

kids holding hands

and they're running and just

clotheslining every child

of a certain height.

They're keeping a uniform

height to the playground.

So I'm watching recess

and I see Jezanthepuss.

And he's walking with this evil--

This kid is like evil stuck out of time.

He's like--

I always picture him in a gray

fur coat with bones in it,

and lots of rings from people

that he killed, and just walking.

And then I see my daughter and

she's standing there, just by herself.

And there's Jezanthepuss and

I know he's going for her.

It was like an action movie thriller thing.

And I think to myself, I gotta go

there and I gotta protect her.

But then I thought, let him do

a little something first.

Let him do just a little something,

because I want this kid in my life.

I want a reason.

I want aerial photos of him

doing some sh*t to my family

that I can bring to the U.N.

and get authority to waterboard

this little motherf***er.

I want to--

I want to get him on a

flight to Venezuela

with an envelope on his head

and duct tape and all that sh*t.

So, anyway, he goes for her,

grabs her arm, starts twisting it.

She goes, "Ahhh!"

I run over. I'm just knocking kids over.

I run, grab him.

I look in his little face and I go,

Listen to me, Jezanthepuss.

If you ever,

ever, in your life,

touch her again--

And as I'm doing this I realize

this is not cool that doing this.

This is totally inappropriate.

It's really wrong.

It's way over the top.

It's too grown up.

It's like he's a drug dealer in

my building that I finally f***ing--

"This ends now, motherf***er

or I will cut you. I don't care."

And he's--

He starts crying pitifully.

And I just, I really did this, I just

walked away from him. I just got away.

And then all the teachers--

everybody gathers around.

Jezanthepuss, what's wrong with you?

And he's like--

And he couldn't articulate it

because he's not getting educated.

F*** him.

I was there going, Yeah, you could

have told on me b*tch,

but you're too stupid now,

which is your own fault,

you future ditchdigging piece of sh*t.

Oh, I'm going to love watching you

grow up into nothing, motherf***er.

I'm gonna watch it.

I'm gonna f*** your mom

and not call her too.

I'm gonna ruin her summer.

I'm gonna f*** your mom twice

and then never call her.

I don't know your dad because he ran

out on you, but I'm gonna find him.

I'm gonna turn myself gay and

then I'm going to f*** him too.

I'm gonna f***--

I'm gonna suck his dick so good

that he just has to change

his whole life.

And I'm gonna move into a place with

him in the village for a couple

of months and totally--

He'll cut off ties to all his life

and start wearing cut-offs

that are really tight.

And he'll just--

And then I'll go to some Christian

turn-you-not-gay place.

And then I'll come back and go,

"What's wrong with you f*ggot?"

Make him feel bad inside,

like what has he done.

But you gotta protect your

kids, you know. You gotta.

You gotta protect your kids.

You gotta do it, man.

A lot of people will talk the talk.

A lot of people say that sh*t.

"I would throw myself under a bus for my--"

Oh, yeah, would you f*** another kid's dad,

and confuse him sexually,

and yourself sexually in the process,

and use homophobia that you

hate, against another person,

just because some kid shoved

your kid for a second?

That's my baby girl. I gotta do it, son.

I gotta suck that dick.

That's my baby girl.

I gotta do it for her.

Alright.

Alright.

Alright, I hate that child.

That's what I'm trying to say.

I've been thinking about my

memories because I have kids now.

And my kids are at an age

where I remember being their age.

I remember being a six year old.

I remember being a nine year old.

And that's a big threshold

that my kids have crossed,

that I remember being their age.

Because when you're raising kids,

you're not raising the kid in front of you.

You're raising the grown up

that they're going to be later.

And I was a kid once.

When they were babies, I didn't really

relate to them because they're babies.

A baby is not going to remember sh*t

that is happening to it.

If you have a baby, keep it

alive and enjoy yourself.

But really, the baby doesn't--

It's not going to matter.

A baby is not accumulating anything.

It's like an Etch A Sketch

that you shake every day.

It doesn't really--

It doesn't matter.

You could go up to your baby's face

every day and say, "F*** you, baby."

every day and it wouldn't matter.

Hey, baby!

You could do that every day

and it wouldn't matter.

I mean, they'll grow up with

a general sadness inside.

But they won't--

They won't actually remember why.

And memories are weird because memories

get distorted by who you are now

and who you were when

you experienced them.

I remember when I first

started doing stand-up.

I was living in Boston and there was one

club that was owned by a gay guy.

And my memory is that that guy

was always trying to f*** me.

That's my memory.

I've carried it for 20 years.

There was a gay guy who

tried to f*** me all the time.

And recently I caught up with an old

friend of mine from those days,

who I hadn't seen in years.

And we started talking about different

people and he brought him up.

And I said, "That guy always

used to try to f*** me."

And he goes, "He did?"

And I was like, "Yeah."

And he goes,

"Really? Did he--"

"I mean, did he like take you

to his house or something

and really try to physically..."

No, it's just that, you know what I mean.

He was trying to f*** me all the time."

And he was like, "Well did he

say-- Did he push you--

and say stuff all the time

and make you uncomfortable?"

No, it just was--

And as we went through it,

the truth came out.

The whole story really was,

there once was a gay man.

That's it.

That's really what happened.

He was gay.

I was 19.

And now, "He tried to f*** me all the time."

I went through life with that.

But I've been trying to

remember my first memory.

How far do my memories go?

And I remembered my first memory.

I was four years old.

I was standing in front of my parents' house

and I was shitting in my pants.

I was just shitting a massive,

terribly painful sh*t.

And I was half way through the sh*t.

That's my first memory, being half way--

The first half of the sh*t, I don't remember it.

That's still in the ether of infancy.

The center of this sh*t was so wide

that I actually came online as a result

of the anal pain that I was experiencing.

It actually awakened me

--Yee-aahhh--

into the stream of consciousness

that I'm now living.

That's how my life started. That's who I am.

A lot of my memories I don't like.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes