Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #6

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I don't like-- When I was a

teen-ager I hated all that time.

I hated being a teen-ager,

and then I discovered drugs.

And then that's all I gave a sh*t about.

I don't know how I'm gonna tell my kids.

How the f*** do you compete with that.

How do you take a miserable person

with no control over their lives

and tell them with a straight face,

Uh, You can't do drugs.

You can't do that, baby.

All drugs are, are a perfect solution to

every problem you have right now.

How do you beat that?

Drugs are so f***ing good

that they'll ruin your life.

That's how good they are.

I can't do drugs now because I'm 44

and I can't hook it up.

I can't make that happen.

If you're 44 and you want to get

high, you gotta hurt your back.

That's pretty much the

only option you have.

Hurt your back, get some Percoset.

And then get a babysitter

and take three at a diner.

Just, sad.

I'm a little drowsy, woooo!

I never really could have--

I wish I was a drunk.

I love romantically the idea

of being a real drunk,

in my bathrobe all day.

Everybody who love's me is always

crying. "He's destroying himself.

I can't watch anymore."

Shut up then.

Showing up at my kids school

play half way through.

"You show 'em who you are, baby."

I wish I could be that guy.

But I can't drink because I just get tired.

I go to sleep.

I don't know how people

drink and then do sh*t.

When I see movies or TV shows

where there's people in an office

having a power meeting and they're

--clink clink--

They're making a drink in

the daylight with a tie on.

"Well, Senator, I hope you play ball with us

on this construction deal,

if you know what I'm saying."

"Yeah, we'll see what's in it for me."

How is the next scene not all those people

just lying on the floor going, "Oh, f***"

"I can't believe I drank whiskey at noon."

I can't smoke pot because-- It's the

same thing. I'm too old for it.

Sometimes young people come

up to me after shows.

"Hey, do you want to smoke some pot."

I'm like, Can I get my portion to smoke

without you, alone, later, because

I don't want to stand in a parking

lot with some twenty year-olds.

Last time I got high I was in Kansas City.

And I got high because I was

in Kansas City. It was shitty.

So after the show,

these kids that worked at

the club were like, "You

want to smoke some pot?"

I'm like, "Yes."

So, I'm standing in a

parking lot with these kids,

like 20 years old, and

we're smoking a joint.

And I'm taking huge hits

because I had no idea.

I didn't know they had been working on

this sh*t like it's the cure for cancer.

I didn't understand the f***ing technology

that's gone into making pot so powerful.

Because when I was a kid you could

just smoke a joint for a while.

Now you take two hits and you go insane.

It's not doable anymore.

And I was taking big hits, like big 1970's,

jean jacket, Bad Company hits.

[singing] Here come the

Jesters, one, two, three.

[singing] It's all part of my fantasy.

And I'm like, "Yeah"

And even the kid with the wooden

hole of no ear

the absense of flesh in

his ear, with wood.

I don't know what that is.

Even he was like,

"You should be careful. That's a lot

of pot. That's very strong marijuana."

Yeah, I'm fine.

[singing] "Running with the devil."

And in about ten seconds, everything just--

And I'm like, "Oh, sh*t."

This is an ordeal now.

I'm not going to feel okay

for a very long time.

[sigh]

And everybody's just standing

around and talking.

And I'm hoping,

I'm really hoping,

that I look like this.

But I'm pretty sure

that I was just scanning insanely.

I was actually counting.

Look at her for five...

four...

three...

two...

...one.

Switch to him.

Five...

four...

three...

...two. Randomize. Don't

go in the same direction.

Five...

four...

...three. Nod your head. That looks like

you're listening if you nod your head.

And at one point I realized,

I need to get out of here,

because the air is hitting my

arm weirdly and they can tell.

They totally know

that I am not handling the way

air is touching my arm right now.

Why am I doing that with my hand.

That's weird to do with your hand.

Nobody stands like this.

Nobody stands like this.

Just f***ing--

No, that's also--

That's weird too.

That's crazy.

Just--

Sh*t.

I gotta go.

But I didn't know how to leave,

because I had this dilema.

We're all standing in a perfect

circle, facing each other.

And I thought it's going to be

insane if I just turn my--

I'm one person with my back now.

Do I just back away like this

and hope that they fill in?

And then I thought, no, say something.

Say something out loud to them that

smooths the transition of you leaving.

Okay, what do I say? Pick a

thing to say. Goodbye.

That's a nightmare.

That's just...

Goodbye?

That's not even-- that's just noises.

Finally I walked away and

I said, "I'm leaving!"

I know it was that bad

because they all went, "Whoa.

Sh*t. Okay. Alright. Whoa."

I'll never see those people

again as long I live.

And then I had to get in the car.

I forgot that I had rented a car

and I have to drive back to the hotel.

And I'm driving on this highway in Missouri.

And at one point I realized,

I think it's been about 25 minutes

since I had looked out the

front window of this car.

I've just been dealing

with sh*t directly in--

Oh, sh*t.

There's a whole spectrum of

responsibility out here.

I'm supposed to take part in this.

And then at one point I remember

I was at a drive through,

and I was terrified.

Because there's a lady sticking

her head out a window.

And she's mad. She's going, "Sir!"

"Sirrr!"

I just kept saying,

I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know!

I had the window closed.

I had no f***ing idea.

What part of the transaction am I--?

Did I pay yet? Have I ordered?

Have I been sitting here for

at the window, and I ate the

paper and everything?

"Sirrr!"

And I just went,

I don't know! I don't want it!

And I just f***ing bolted.

So I can't do that anymore.

But you get older and some

things you can't do anymore.

Some things you don't

want to do anymore.

It's a nice change.

You feel some desires fall away.

New things make you happy.

But some things don't change

and some things I'm sick of.

Like the constant

just the constant

perverted, sexual thoughts.

I'm so tired of those.

Just the constant--

Suck it.

It just makes me into an idiot.

I'm jacking off to morons.

"Look at my tits."

Yeah, your tits are awesome.

It's just a dumb part of

life that I'm sick of.

It's all day too.

It's just--

You can't have a day.

I just want to be a person in clothes

walking in a store and just--

I just want to go to the

library and ask for--

Hi, ma'am, is there-- I'm

looking for a book about

early Abraham Lincoln,

like when he was--

I wish I could wrap your hair

around my dick and--

Oh, sh*t.

I'm trying to talk to her!

[sigh]

That's really a male problem.

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