Louis C.K. - Live at the Beacon Theater Page #7

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It's really a male problem, not being able

to control your constant sexual impulse.

Women try to compete.

"Well, I'm a pervert. You don't know."

"I have really sick sexual thoughts."

No, you have no idea.

You have no idea.

See, you get to have those thoughts.

I have to have them.

You're a tourist in sexual perversion.

I'm a prisoner there.

You're Jane Fonda on a tank.

I'm John McCain in the hut.

It's a nightmare.

I can't lift my arms.

And for men, sex just is

such a constant thing.

It's not even sex to us. It's just p*ssy.

That's what we call it.

P*ssy... it has nothing to do with women.

It's not about girls or chicks

like it was in the 50's.

There's no guys anywhere

in the world saying,

"Let's go meet some chicks and kiss them

on the mouth and see what happens."

There's none of that.

"Mmmm, I sure would like to

have my arm around a girl."

"Mmmm, Vanessa, I love--"

No, it's not.

It's just

p*ssy.

P*ssy.

It's not even a p*ssy.

It's not some peoples' pussies.

It's just p*ssy.

Like big pink balloon letters in

front of our faces all the time.

To men it's just an

element of the universe,

like it should be on the

chart of the elements

next to tin and ammonia.

P-y with an atomic weight of 12

or whatever p*ssy atoms weigh.

The sad thing is that for all our obsession

about sex and how much we love it,

we suck at it.

Men are terrible at sex.

It never even occurs to us to do it well.

Women just make sex great.

Women are the good part of sex.

They accept the dick with grace

and they turn it into art.

Or they climb on and they ride.

They go for a ride.

Men don't. We just climb on.

[grunting]

I'm putting my dick in you.

Put it in.

Shove it in.

Shove it.

[grunting]

You ever f*** when you're out of shape?

You're like, "Ugh, sh*t. This is--"

My stomach muscles are not strong.

[grunting]

We're so bad at sex

and then we wonder why women

aren't really aggressive about sex.

We think it's because they don't

have as much desire as we do.

That's how stupid men are.

We think they're just weird.

"Women are f***ed up in the head,

because they don't want to

just f*** all the time."

"If I was a women, I'd

just f*** everybody."

"Why don't they want to

f*** all the time? I do."

Of course you do, because when

you f***, you get to f*** a woman.

When she fucks, she has to f*** a guy.

Wildly different experience.

For a man, 100% of the time

he's f***ing a woman

it's the greatest thing that ever

happened in his entire life.

For a woman, about 40% of the time she's

being f***ed by a guy she's thinking,

"I'll get over this in a week.

It's not the worst thing."

"I'm not going to cry this time."

Another thing that proves how bad men

are at sex is that after sex you're

looking at two very different people.

The man just wants to lay there

and be cool and the woman

wants to cuddle.

It's something that men love

to make fun of women for.

"They always want to cuddle.

It's so needy."

"I already f***ed you.

Just let me watch the game."

"I'm so cool."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Shut up. Leave me alone."

"Why is she so needy?"

She's not needy, you idiot.

She's horny, because you

did nothing for her.

You did absolutely nothing.

Her p*ssy is on fire

because it's gone unfucked completely.

Of course you're fine, because

you climbed on and went--

and then rolled off.

And she's on you because she's going,

"What the--? Something

else has to happen!"

"This is bullshit!"

If you f*** a woman well

she will leave you alone.

"Thanks a lot, buddy."

[snoring]

Thanks a lot, folks.

I hope you enjoyed the show.

You guys were great.

Thank you very very much.

Good night.

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