Louis C.K. 2017

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1

Go ahead and do the lights.

Go ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.

Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Um...

So, you know, I think abortion is, um...

I...

Here's what I think.

Here's what I... This is what I think.

Here's what I think. I...

I think you should not get an abortion

unless you need one.

In which case...

In which case, you'd better get one.

I mean, seriously.

If you need an abortion,

you'd better get one.

Don't f*** around.

And hurry.

Not getting an abortion

that you need is like not taking a sh*t.

That's how bad that is.

It's like not taking a sh*t.

That's what I think.

I think abortion is exactly like

taking a sh*t.

I think it is 100%

the exact same thing as taking a sh*t.

Or it isn't.

It is, or it isn't.

It's either taking a sh*t,

or it's killing a baby.

It's only one of those two things.

It's no other things.

If you didn't like hearing

it's like taking a sh*t,

you think it's killing a baby.

That's the only other one you get to have.

Which means you should be holding a sign

in front of the place.

People hate abortion protesters.

They're so shrill and awful.

They think babies are being murdered.

What are they supposed to be like?

"Uh, that's not cool."

I don't wanna be a dick about it, though.

I don't want to ruin their day as they

murder several babies all the time.

I don't think it's killing a baby.

I don't.

I mean, it is, it's a little bit...

It's a little bit killing a baby.

It's a little bit...

It's 100% killing a baby.

It's totally killing a whole baby.

But I think that women should be allowed

to kill babies.

That's what I think.

They should be allowed to kill babies.

Yeah.

Whoo!

We get to kill babies!

Let's do some shots and kill some babies.

I killed like four babies last night.

It was f***ing retarded.

It has to be one or the other.

You know, like, when people say,

abortion should be legal, safe and rare.

Why rare if it should be legal?

If it should be legal,

it's... It's shitting.

If it should be rare,

it's murdering babies.

But, again, women should be allowed

because...

Two reasons I think women

should be allowed to kill babies.

Number one,

I don't think life is that important.

It's just not.

It is not.

People get too excited...

about life. "Oh, life."

F*** you. It's not that...

Make a list of every shitty thing ever,

that's in life.

Life is okay. I like life.

I like it. I don't need it.

I'd be fine without it.

I like life, though. I do.

You know how much I like life?

I have never killed myself.

- That's how much I like it.

- Whoo!

That's exactly how much I like it,

with a razor-thin margin.

I like it precisely enough

to not kill myself.

It's an option, though.

It's totally an option.

I mean, I'm 49. I have two kids.

I've flipped through the brochure

a few times.

I've thought of killing myself just

to win an argument.

Not supposed to talk about suicide,

even to your shrink.

You ever go to a shrink and they're like,

"Have you had thoughts... of suicide?"

And you're like, "No, because

if I say yes, you'll press a button,

and folks will run in and hold me...

"Hold him down!"

You should talk about it.

The whole world is just made of people

who didn't kill themselves today.

That's who's here.

It's all of us that went,

"Okay, f*** it, keep doing it."

It's...

It's an interesting thing about life.

Life can get very difficult,

very sad, very upsetting.

But you don't have to do it.

You don't have to do it.

You don't have to do anything.

You never have to do anything

because you can kill yourself.

If they send you a letter

from Motor Vehicles, come in and:

"No, I don't. I'll kill myself."

You can do that. You can do that once.

But you can do it.

It's interesting because even when life

gets bad, people choose it over nothing.

Even the worst versions of life,

even a shitty, shitty life,

is worth living, apparently.

'Cause folks are living the f*** out

of them.

Have you ever seen somebody, you're like,

"He should kill himself.

Why did he not... that dude..."

Ever been driving and you look

in the next car, you're like, "Ugh, sh*t.

I wish I hadn't looked in that car.

That was difficult to glance at...

let alone being it."

Just a guy in a...

In a tan car.

Nobody chooses tan.

Nobody picks tan for their car.

They give you tan.

"Is that mine?" "Yeah, it's yours,

f***ing loser. Made it tan."

They shouldn't even make tan cars.

It's mean to make them.

You look over, you see a guy in a tan car

with dents all over it

and a garbage bag for a window.

What is holding up his suicide?

What is delaying it?

What is keeping him

from stopping being that?

And what would it take?

What would it take?

What would it take?

Both windows are garbage bags? Is that...?

Seriously, do you know how much misery

is involved in a garbage bag for a window?

Do you know how many separate moments

of sh*t misery?

"They canceled my insurance.

I broke my window.

Duct tape."

Here's the truth. Running away will not

solve your problems. That's totally true.

But killing yourself solves

all your problems.

It actually does.

It even solves world's problems.

For you.

"Hey, what about ISIS?"

"Kill yourself.

Then they'll never get you."

Seriously,

if everybody who's afraid of ISIS

kills themselves right now,

then ISIS loses.

Because they live in a world of people

that don't give a sh*t.

"We're gonna cut his head off!"

"Yeah, okay."

"It's not fun now."

I think the worst part

of being beheaded...

If...

The worst thing about being beheaded

is that you look really dumb right after.

That's the worst part.

They go like that, and you're like:

"Duh."

Just that f***ing dopey...

I don't think they like beheading

bald people 'cause they can't do this...

That's the best part.

They got to go like this.

It's not as cool.

So, just shave the top of your head,

and you won't have to worry about it.

So, that's the first reason.

That's the first reason I think

women should be allowed to kill babies.

'Cause life is not so important.

The second reason

is because that's their job.

Women have to decide who lives and dies.

That's because they're the female

of the species.

In the reproductive arena,

that's what the female does.

They are the selectors.

They have to decide this.

We give them this responsibility

when we f*** them.

We go, "Here, you decide

what to do with this sh*t."

See you later.

She has to figure out

if you should have kids,

if she should have them. That's her job.

Because women have judgment.

They have judgment.

Men don't have judgment.

Men have intent.

Men just want to spray the world

with their cum, just mist.

"More of me.

More of me."

It's her job to go,

"That's enough of you, I think.

No, that's really enough."

I don't think that face needs to repeat.

I've seen your father,

and it's not getting better.

She doesn't realize this

until after you f*** her.

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