Louis C.K. 2017 Page #2

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That's actually when she really knows,

is when you're like, "Yeah!"

And she's like, "I'm not having

this piece of sh*t's baby."

And that's why abortion is the last line

of defense

against shitty people in the species.

So, we need them

to abort every shitty baby.

I mean, all animals do this.

Animals do it late.

They have the baby.

Then they're like, "You know what?

It's cold. I'm gonna eat this one."

"But when is it okay?

When should they be allowed?"

When it's in their p*ssy.

That whole time.

It's in her p*ssy.

If there's a dude in your p*ssy,

you get to kill him.

I think that's pretty fundamental.

You're allowed to kill people

if they're in your house.

So... that's what I think.

I have two kids.

I try to be a better person

around my kids.

I try to change my behavior around them.

Like, I have rules in my house,

they all apply to me.

Like, I have a rule

that I don't curse around my kids.

That's a rule. It does happen.

You have a stressful moment,

and you're with your kids,

so, you say something by mistake.

One time I was making dinner for my kids,

and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup.

And I said, "Here's your f***ing soup."

But, uh...

You can see

how that was a tough... situation.

You're supposed to teach your kids right

from wrong. I don't know, it's confusing.

Some people raise their kids religiously

and that covers it.

They kind of go, all this. Do that.

I'm not raising my kids religiously

because I don't feel like it.

Get up on a Sunday? F*** that.

F*** that.

Let your souls rot, kids. I don't care.

I'm not getting...

"Daddy, who's Jesus?"

"None of your business. Go back to bed."

But my kids, they're living in the world.

There's a lot of religion in the world.

You have to teach your kids.

If you're not raising them religiously,

you teach them about religion.

I tell my kids the same thing.

I tell them that there are many religions

in the world, and they're all equal.

But the Christians are the main one.

That's what I tell them.

The Christians won.

They're the winners.

So, act accordingly.

Congratulate Christians

when you meet them.

Because they won the world.

And it's true. It's true.

We love to tell ourselves, like,

"Every religion is exactly..."

No. No, they're not.

The Christians won everything.

A long time ago.

If you don't believe me, let me ask you

a question. What year is it?

I mean, come on.

What year is it according

to the entire human race?

And why?

What year is it? Anybody?

Sir, just yell out the year.

Thank you. 20... 2016?

No, it's 20... That's right.

It's 2017. What is that?

That's a number.

It's not just any number.

It must be a very important number.

'Cause we're counting to it

in unison as a species.

For thousands of years, we've been going:

"One, two, three...

Come on, everybody, four... "

Now, come on, Africa, five, six..."

What is this number?

We're counting the days since what?

Since there was ever people?

Or since the sun did something?

Not at all.

It's been 2017 years since what?

Anybody, yell it out.

Christ!

Yes. Christ!

Christ!

That's right.

It's been 2017 years since Christ!

Jesus.

We are counting the days since Jesus.

Together.

Which makes sense if you're Christian.

But what the f***

are the rest of us doing?

"Jesus was here. Jesus was here.

Jesus was here."

Everybody. Scientists, historians.

"Jesus.

Jesus."

"Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three,

Jesus plus four."

Jesus plus 2017 years,

four months and three days

is when your license expires.

How is that not a win for the Christians?

How is that not a complete win?

That's not a Monday off in October.

That's, "There was no time before Jesus."

And the whole world went, "Okay.

Sure."

Then somebody was like,

"What about the years before him?

There were billions. I mean, infinity."

"Those go backwards."

"You want us to measure most

of history backwards?

To accommodate one religion?"

Uh-huh.

"All right, we'll do it, it's fine.

We'll do it."

The whole world. You ever watch

New Year's Eve around the world?

They always show you how every country

celebrates. It's kind of cool.

The first is one little island.

It's the first place that's actually

the place that it's the year.

It's a little island in the Pacific.

I forget.

They do a little ceremony

for New Year's Eve every year.

And they just wear grass.

'Cause they don't even have sticks yet.

They're in the grass age.

They have no clocks.

But they do a dance.

"2017."

And it goes around the world,

"Oh, the 2017."

"Death to all Christians in 2017."

The Jews are quietly keeping track.

It's really 5,766.

But that's for us. We're just...

That's okay.

We're keeping track for when you

snap out of it. It's all right. I'll...

I'll write yours on my check.

I don't want a problem.

What about Chinese New Year?

Yeah, what about Chinese New Year?

All right,

next time you're doing your taxes,

just write "monkey" where the year goes.

Just put monkey.

See what happens to your funds.

No. It's 2017, year of our Lord...

Jesus o'clock on the nose.

And they made it up,

that's the weirdest part.

They got to rename years

that had already taken place.

'Cause, you know,

that's not what those years were.

You know that, right?

That the year three...

wasn't the year three...

during the year three.

Nobody was walking around back then,

"Hey, what year is it?" "It's three."

"Yeah, but I'm 28.

How can I be 28...

if there's only been three?"

"Oh, well, see, you were born in BC 24.

And there's a zero.

Remember it went backwards?

Oh, sh*t. That was stressful.

I hated those years."

What was that like?

"What year is it?" "Ten."

"What year is it now?" "Nine."

What the f*** is gonna happen?!

So, I don't know what to tell my kids.

My kids, they wanted a dog.

So, I got them a dog.

I got them a dog, which was a mistake.

I shouldn't have gotten the dog.

Because we rescued a dog.

- We got a... we adopt...

- Whoo!

Yes, you must re... yes, always rescue.

If you get a dog, get a rescue dog.

Don't get a puppy...

from those horrible people

who professionally raise dogs carefully.

No.

You need to just get a mystery dog...

that's been beaten and abused

and traumatized

on the streets of Puerto Rico.

And can't talk about it to anyone now.

They never know.

"Do you know anything about the dog?"

"Uh, she's afraid of pennies.

So, we think maybe somebody's been

throwing handfuls of pennies at her face.

But, otherwise, no."

So, you take this random dog

and just put it in your house

with your family,

and watch their personality unfold.

This dog is insane.

I'll walk into the kitchen, and the dog

is just standing there alone like this...

I'm like, "You all right?

Are you all right?"

My kids are terrified of the dog.

My daughter goes to pet the dog,

dog goes like...

She's like, "Should I pet her?" "I don't

think you should ever pet our dog, honey."

I took her to the vet.

I took the dog to ask her what to do.

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