Louis C.K. 2017 Page #3

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The vet said,

"Listen, I think there's something

you should seriously consider."

I was like,

"Please be saying to kill this dog.

Please be a doctor

that says the dog dies now."

But she didn't. She said...

She said, "I think you should consider

Prozac... for the dog."

I was like, "Really?"

She said, "Yeah, it works.

It calms the dog right down.

But it's a big decision,

and you should think about it."

I said,

"Put four in her a**hole right now.

What do I have to think about?

I don't give a sh*t

what she's experiencing.

F***ing fix it.

Give her heroin. Shoot her up."

"Come on, puppy."

"Wow, your dog is really chill."

"Yeah.

It only costs $400 a day

to keep her like that."

I didn't always feel this way.

I used to love animals.

I used to worry about animals.

Just animals.

When I was like 20,

"Are all the doggies okay everywhere?

I certainly hope so."

But I'm 49, and I got two kids now.

You know what happens?

Your circle of concern tightens.

I have four nephews.

I don't love any of them.

F*** a dog.

You know those ads, like the PSA

on television about abused animals?

They show you a dog with, like,

an empty socket, and he's like...

And they're always wet.

I feel like they hose them down

before they film them.

And the voice comes on,

"Look at these dogs.

These dogs are beaten every day.

Please send us money

so that this can stop."

Are you beating up the dogs?

How's my money fixing that?

You see that PSA

where they show you a sad man?

He's very upset, a very sad man.

He's holding a little sign,

and it says, "Yeah, sure."

And he says, "This is the text

that killed my daughter."

'Cause somebody texted, "Yeah, sure,"

and ran over his kid, which is awful.

Although maybe they were responding

to a text

that said,

"Can you please kill that kid?"

And so, they just...

wrote back and did it.

I'm not saying that makes it better.

I'm just saying

we don't have all the information.

My kids and I were having breakfast

the other day,

and we're listening to NPR.

We always listen to NPR,

because we're better than you.

And...

We're listening to NPR

at breakfast the other morning.

There was this story

where they kept using this phrase.

They kept saying, "9/11 deniers."

They kept saying that.

"9/11 deniers."

And my daughter was like, "What is that?"

I said, "Well, it's a group of people that

think September 11th was a conspiracy."

And she said, "Oh, I thought

they were saying nine 11-deniers."

Yeah, she thought they meant nine people

who just ain't buying this 11 bullshit.

Just a small fringe group, really.

There's only nine of them.

But they still got on NPR.

They got on the radio

because... they're dedicated.

They protest every day.

They're the nine 11-deniers.

They're outside of the White House,

"It goes, 10, 12, 13!

Me and my eight friends know it!

We are the nine 11-deniers.

We know that 11 is a bullshit number...

propagated on the people by the man.

Why do we have 11?

When we have 13,

and 14 and 15...

and 16, 17,

motherfucking 18, and 19,

but we do not have a one-teen.

What happened to one-teen?

The government took one-teen,

and replaced it

with some bullshit called 11.

We are the nine that deny that sh*t.

Mr. President, give us back one-teen!"

I don't mean to offend

any Chinese people with this stereotype.

But...

"That's right, I'm Chinese, motherfuckers.

I'm from Beijing.

I lived in Shanghai.

I'm Chinese-er than a motherf***er.

Chopsticks and whatnot."

Ha! All right.

I'm sorry.

Here's the thing...

stereotypes are harmful.

That's the truth.

But the voices are funny.

And I don't know how

to reconcile those two facts.

I enjoy doing the voices.

But they're offensive.

So, I do them at home.

I used to do them for my kids.

They liked them,

didn't know it was a race thing.

They enjoyed it. "Do the friendly man."

"You want me

to be the friendly man, little girl?"

"We love the friendly man."

"He loves little white girls.

Let's have some scrambled eggs."

They grew up, and I was like,

"Don't talk about the friendly man

at school.

Maybe don't talk to your teachers

about that."

My kids go to public school

in New York City.

Yeah, all right.

Send your kids there then.

Yeah, it's good. It's good.

To teach them

that that's what life is like.

The teachers amaze me because...

I don't know, the worst...

Here's the worst thing about this country,

is that there's no more noble profession

than to be a public school teacher.

Please. Please, don't.

You're not gonna like it.

You're not gonna like where it's going.

I don't recommend clapping at any things.

You'll regret it at the end of the thing.

In a democracy, there's no more

noble contribution you can make

than to teach in a public school.

In this country, the people that do that,

they're f***ing losers.

They're just rock-bottom f***ing losers!

And everybody knows it,

but they keep doing it.

New people are teaching every day,

knowing how shitty it is.

They show up, tell them ahead of time.

"Hi, what is this job?"

And they say,

"Okay, here's what we need you to do.

We need you to make children know math."

Wow.

"Do they wanna know math?"

"No, they don't want to know it.

You need to make them know it

against their will.

While they're exploding sexually

and beating the sh*t out of each other."

"Who are these children?"

"Just whatever kids live

near the building."

Heh. "How much do I get paid?"

"About $10 every four years."

"What if I get good at it? What happens?"

"Nothing. Nothing happens.

Nobody notices, and you get fired,

and you die alone."

"Okay, I'll try it for 25 years."

My daughter is learning

about Greek mythology.

And she's asking me questions about it.

She's like,

"Daddy, who's Achilles' mother?"

I said, "I don't f***ing know.

Don't ask me that sh*t.

I don't know who Achilles' mother."

Don't yell out if you know.

"It's Campampetes."

Nobody cares what you know.

She had a question about Achilles,

it was interesting.

I'll tell it to you. But first,

the story of Achilles real quick.

Achilles was a baby.

He was a Greek baby.

And... he didn't stay that way.

But when he was... a Greek baby,

his mother, who was a goddess,

took him to the River Styx,

which is at Hades, the land of the dead.

And she dipped him in the water

of the River Styx

because there was a magical quality

to that water

that you would make you impervious

of any harm.

You couldn't be hurt.

It was like a shield, right?

So, she dipped him in that water

to protect him.

But she held him by the heel.

That's the important detail.

Held him by the heel,

which is an awkward way to hold a baby.

By the heel.

Try holding a baby by the heel

and dipping it in a river.

You will never see that baby again.

That's how to get rid of a baby.

"I lost the baby in the water.

I was trying to wash him,

and he fell in the river.

I'm sorry, Miss Achilles,

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