Louis C.K. 2017 Page #4

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I lost your baby.

You told me to hold him by the heel.

He slipped."

Because Achilles' mother

has a Mexican nanny.

It's a lesser-known character

in The Iliad.

Anyway...

his mother, she was able to hold on,

of course, because she was a goddess.

She was the goddess of grip or whatever,

I don't know.

And she held on.

And then he was protected,

except on his heel.

His heel was not protected.

And so that's what we call

your Achilles heel,

your one vulnerable place.

Everybody's got their Achilles heel.

Achilles' Achilles heel was his heel.

Like, literally.

Anyway, so, my daughter,

here was her question.

She said, "How come his mother

didn't just dip him again?

She could have just dipped him

one more time...

with the other leg in there."

What does she just, like, get...

You're right there.

Was there, like, a sign that says,

"One dip per goddess"?

You ever color an Easter egg?

It's not that complicated.

You dip it, and then you hold

it differently and dip it again.

Smart kid. I was proud of her.

But at the same time, I thought, "Who

the f*** are you to judge this woman?"

It bothered me.

'Cause here's what the story

of Achilles teaches me,

is that, if you're a parent,

it's never enough what you do

for these motherfuckers.

It's just never enough.

It's still gonna be your fault.

How much more do you want from a mother?

She dipped her kid in magic water

and protected 99% of his body.

Is any of it up to him?

He could have just wore a big shoe

and be careful.

But he goes out in sandals,

f***ing flip flops.

And a sword, and fights the whole planet.

"I'm Achilles 'cause my mother dipped me."

Finally, somebody got him in the heel,

and he's like, "Mom!

Thanks a lot, Mom."

"What's wrong, Achilles?"

"My mom didn't dip my heel.

She's so stupid. She ruined it."

F*** you, Achilles, you Greek dick.

I hate the way people talk

about their mothers.

I was watching a football game,

and this guy scored a bunch of sh*t,

whatever, and they were excited.

So, they asked him about it afterwards.

And the football player said,

"My mom died last year,

but I know she was watching my game

from heaven tonight."

And I wanted to be there to say,

"Leave your mother alone.

How dare you.

She's dead."

I mean, when are you done

with your f***ing kids?

When are you finished

with your f***ing kids?

Even after you're dead, you still have

to go to their f***ing games and sh*t?

Leave your mother alone.

She did her job.

She raised you, and it killed her.

Let her enjoy heaven. Don't you want

your mother to enjoy heaven?

Isn't that what you want?

Your mom to be just in heaven.

Whee! This poor woman. Angels were like,

"We're having a party.

You want to come with us?"

"I can't. I got to watch my son's game.

He'll be very upset.

Okay, go... He can't f***ing hear me.

Why am I doing this?"

I just think when people die,

it means they did their jobs.

And you should forget them.

That's what I think.

'Cause it's unfair what we put

on dead people.

"Are you watching over me?"

"Yes, I'm watching all of it."

You know like an old...

When you see an old couple,

they've been married for, like, 60 years?

You know that story?

Everybody loves that.

The people that always get applause based

on the math of their lives.

"How long you been married?"

"Sixty years."

Aw.

Aw.

Isn't that automatically wonderful?

How do you know?

You just know how long it's been.

For 60 years, every morning,

he tells me I'm a piece of sh*t.

Let's just say

this is a happy couple, okay?

They love each other.

They've been married for 60 years.

That's longer

than most people wanna be alive.

And they've been together that long.

And now they're just an old couple.

And they just walk together.

You know when you see two people...

They don't need anybody else,

just the two of them.

This is both of them. They just walk.

They always walk somewhere,

nobody walks there. There's trash.

There's trucks.

He's wearing a suit that is not a color.

She's wearing a dress that's like

a triangle, like a kid drew it.

It's just, f***ing,

a dress with fruit on it.

Nobody cares.

And they just walk every day.

It's cold.

Yeah, it's cold.

You want to go to the store

and get a cracker?

Yeah, let's get a cracker

at the store.

Yeah.

And then one day, usually he dies first.

They're walking, and he goes...

And she says, "Richard!"

"Richard!"

And he dies.

So, now it's just her.

Just Rose.

And she's alone.

And now she just stands in their house.

Somebody goes to get Rose

'cause there's a wedding.

"Come on, Rose. Nadine's getting married.

Nadine...

It doesn't matter, just f***ing come on.

Come on. F***ing come on.

F***!"

Just want to push her from beh...

She lives ten more years.

Ten years after Richard dies.

And then ten years later,

now she's laying in a bed.

She's dying.

Somebody's there with her, on their phone.

So, Rose is dying, and she says:

"Well, at least now

I get to be with my Richard... forever."

Where did she get that idea?

Where did that come from?

I've looked it up.

No religion teaches

that when you die, you get to ruin heaven

for your dead spouse.

Why is that fair?

Who gets...

Richard's been dead for ten years.

He's been in heaven for ten years.

And somebody comes up to him,

"Hey, your wife is coming."

"What?

Excuse me. What did you just walk up

and say to me just now?"

"Yeah, Rose just died.

She'll be here in about 20 minutes.

They've just got to hose her down

and tape the wings on.

And then you're gonna be together

forever."

"Wait a minute. F***.

You said this was heaven. Why is this...

I have a girlfriend here now.

I don't wanna f***ing... "

"She's the love of your life." "She's not

the love of my death, motherf***er."

That's marriage. Marriage is a big deal.

Marriage is a big deal.

I went to a wedding the other day.

I went to a gay wedding.

I've been to a lot of gay weddings,

which is not true.

It's not true at all.

But... I did go to one.

But I don't go to weddings, generally,

because I don't like them. I hate it.

Don't invite me. Really. I think it's rude

to invite people to your wedding. I do.

Nobody's happy to get that sh*t.

You make it all pretty.

And they're like, "Aw, f***!

This is gonna suck!"

"Here's a helpful list of places

to stay... "

"Oh, great.

I get to live in a La Quinta...

in Reading, Pennsylvania

for three days...

because you want to get married

for a couple of years."

Nobody wants to watch you

start your shitty thing.

Nobody wants to see it.

Everybody's in a shitty thing.

That's what it is to be with somebody.

You're either alone,

or you're in a shitty thing.

That covers 100% of human beings.

I can see there's young couples here.

You're like, "No, we're in a good one...

It's really good."

"Yeah, f*** you.

Who do you think you are?

It just didn't get shitty yet.

So arrogant."

"Yeah, I think we figured it out."

"No... Yeah, you're the first ones."

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