Louis C.K. 2017 Page #5

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Of course it's going to get shitty.

That's part of it.

It's like going to a horror movie,

and in the first minute, you're like,

"I think they're all gonna be fine."

No, they're all gonna die.

And you're gonna hate the person

you love right now.

That's the way it works.

Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

That's just the way it goes.

I'm not saying don't do it.

You should do it.

It's the best thing.

It's the best part of life, love is.

But don't be greedy and expect it to last.

Don't be amazed that a butterfly died

'cause you shot it in the face.

Just fall in love, make a f***ing mess.

It goes shitty,

you don't realize it until too late.

And then you cry a lot and move on.

It's the best part of life.

It is. I've always loved love.

It's always been my favorite part of life

is meeting somebody and going, "Oh, sh*t!

That person!" That's the best feeling.

Now, why the f*** would that just,

"Oh, yeah!

For years, for our whole lives,

just, aw, yeah!"

That's insane to expect that.

It's a little thing you get to catch.

And then it rots and dies.

That's just the way it goes.

It's like if you see a person in the park

making bubbles with a big wand with soap.

And sometimes they make a really big one,

and everybody goes, "Oh, yeah!

Sh*t. Okay, that's all."

You don't stand over it, "Liar!"

You don't get mad at the soap stain.

It gets so shitty, man.

It does.

Whoo!

All the little intricate parts.

Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently.

You ever been in an e-mail fight?

Some of you are in an e-mail fight

right now.

You know, an e-mail fight.

Not a text fight.

A text fight is like, "F*** you." Boop!

"Yeah, f*** you." Byew.

"Dick." Boop!

"A**hole." Byew.

That's a text fight.

An e-mail fight is like, "In June

when I told you that I had this issue,

I was very disappointed

in the way you didn't listen."

You know, those e-mails,

you just work on it all night.

Like it's the closing argument

to a murder case.

It's so important, your f***ing e-mail.

You're pounding it out like Beethoven,

and you're pouring water on your head,

and going deaf and still working on it.

And then you send it somebody.

"Can you read this

and tell me if it's fair what I wrote?

Start at the bottom."

And they write back,

"I made a few changes."

"Oh, thank you.

That really captures my voice. And yet..."

You send it to somebody else,

they're like:

"I would take out 'Eat sh*t, f*** face, '

because it clouds your better points."

And you're like,

"F*** you, I'm going to keep it."

And then finally, you send it.

And you're like, "Hmm."

And then you feel really good.

"I finally said it. Finally."

And you have this fantasy that they're

at home reading it right now going...

I'm wrong about all of the things.

During the day,

they haven't written back yet,

and you know

it's 'cause you just bewitched them.

And you decide,

"I'm going to read my e-mail.

I'm going to read the e-mail

that I wrote."

Is there any more disgusting

modern human behavior

than reading

your own already sent e-mails?

Is there any more scratching your a**hole

and smelling your finger than that?

I do it all the time.

So, that's what I did.

I was in an e-mail fight.

And...

And I looked in the sent folder,

where it's all...

That's it. It's in stone.

You can't change that anymore.

I realized I left something there

by mistake.

I left something at the top of the e-mail

by mistake.

And it said, "This is my latest draft.

What do you think?"

So, now the rest of it is just sh*t.

It's sh*t now!

'Cause she knows

I have a writing staff and a focus group.

There should be credits

at the end of this f***ing e-mail.

Approved by mother and sister.

I don't know.

Love is worth it, though. It really is.

It's worth it. It is.

I mean, I've always been...

I've always pursued love my whole life.

Even when I was a kid, I loved girls.

I loved them.

And there was all...

When I was 12, I discovered

that girls are the greatest thing.

I would ask them out. That's what I did.

I walked up and asked them out.

I had no fear.

I'd go up to any girl I liked,

"You want to go out with me?"

And she was like, "No!"

You weren't supposed to do that.

You weren't supposed to ask her out.

There was a system.

My daughters told me

it still works this way in school.

There's a thing

where the boy asks his friend

to ask her friend to ask her

what she would say...

if he asked her out.

How do children just know this...

Elizabethan parlor thing?

Twelve-year-old boy.

"Please inquire after her maiden friend.

Were I to request her presence...

what might be her answer?"

"Indeed, my lady would enjoy...

your company, sir,

were you to make your desires known."

"That is well.

May I finger her?"

"You are bold, sir.

And finger her, you may."

"And finger her, I shall."

Anyway,

I didn't do any of that myself.

I just would just ask them out.

They always said no. Girls said no to me.

Until Rachel.

Rachel was the first girl who said yes.

I asked her to the dance

in eighth grade, and she said yes.

Happiest moment of my life, even to now.

I never beat it.

Anyway, Rachel said,

"Yes, I'll go to the dance with you."

So, we went to the dance.

I was 13.

It was my first time with a girl.

About five minutes into the dance,

she comes to me and she says,

"Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?"

I was like, "Okay."

'Cause what other moves did I have...

at 13?

What else are you gonna say?

"Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?"

"Yeah, I do. I mind very much.

What the f*** do you think this is,

Rachel?

You know what? Get your sh*t.

We're leaving right now.

Shut the f*** up, Rachel.

I swear to God."

I didn't have any of those tools.

So, I said, "Okay,"

and she danced with Jeff.

And made out with Jeff and left with Jeff.

That was it.

And I learned...

That guy Jeff... this is a true story.

That guy Jeff, he's a woman now.

That's what happened.

It's true.

I was looking up on Facebook people

from my past, and he's a woman.

And she has a whole blog on Facebook

about becoming a woman.

I was up all night reading it.

I was crying. It was amazing.

I was like, "This is incredible."

And then at the end,

there's a picture of her with hair.

And she says, "I didn't change.

I knew what I was all along.

I knew I was a girl

since I was 6 years old."

And I read that, and I thought,

"Why did you take my f***ing date then?

You knew? You piece of sh*t!

F*** you, Jeff!

F*** you and your journey.

I don't give a sh*t now.

Hooray for transgender, but f*** you,

because you're just an a**hole.

Who became a c*nt. That's what happened."

I envy transgender people, though. I do.

It's a tough road,

but I envy them on this level

that they figured out what's going on

with them, and they fixed it.

What an amazing gift,

to know what the f*** is wrong with you.

Who else gets to have that?

It's just a mushy,

I don't f***ing have any idea!

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