Louis C.K. 2017 Page #6

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I would give a million dollars

to just wake up,

"Oh, I'm an owl.

That's what the thing is.

I've just got to blink slow

and eat a mouse."

'Cause life is very confusing.

Even I'm 49 years old, and I haven't found

a cruising altitude to my identity.

I'm still f***ing confused.

I get new feelings, and they upset me.

I don't like new feelings.

I want to know what I like and get it

and just die.

That's what I want to do at this point.

Like I have a weird relationship

with this movie that's on cable sometimes.

It's called Magic Mike.

You ever seen this movie? Magic Mike.

For those of you who are watching this

on video many years from now,

Magic Mike was a movie

about male strippers

starring Matthew McConaughey

and Channing Tatum.

Whoo!

It was a very different country

when it was made

from whenever you're watching.

But anyway...

We had a whole other thing going on.

This building's not here anymore.

But...

You're watching it on a dusty thing,

and it's all rubble.

And you're watching this.

I don't know why you're watching this

out of everything.

But when things were real easy,

we made movies like Magic Mike.

It's just a nice movie

about men who strip.

And every time I'm flipping around

and it comes on, I always stop.

And then I play a little game of chicken

with this movie.

I stop because it's a good movie.

It's well made,

directed by Steven Soderbergh,

good director.

And so I get into it, I get into

the story, and then they start stripping.

And then I start having

all these feelings.

My face gets a little hot.

At first, I just get hostile

for no reason.

I just... f***ing... f***ing...

But then there's one part of the movie

that I like.

I have a favorite part... of Magic Mike,

so, I always stick around for that part.

It's the part where Matthew McConaughey,

he's wearing leather pants, no shirt.

And he goes,

"The law says you cannot touch.

But I think I see a lot

of lawbreakers out there."

Like, just that...

It's, like, perfect.

Just the way it rolls out of him.

"I think I see a lot

of lawbreakers out there."

I just really like that.

I like it.

When the movie comes on, I'm always like,

"Let's get to where he says that."

And then he says it, and I'm like,

"F***ing good, that's really good."

I like it a lot.

Here's how much I like it.

I don't do impressions,

and I kind of nail that one

because I think about it all the time.

I'm walking around my house, like,

"The law says you can't touch.

The law says you can't touch."

Then I go up to my dog,

"But I think

I see a lot of lawbreakers right here."

I like that part.

After he says it,

all these strippers come in.

Matthew McConaughey

and all these strippers.

Channing Tatum comes out, f***ing...

And then I go, like, "F***!"

And then I have to stop.

I'm starting to get a feeling.

I'm starting to get, like, a feeling.

It's not a boner.

It's not a boner.

But I can feel my dick starting

to turn over a little bit.

Just starting to...

You know when you can feel

your dick kind of unfold?

It's like a pool toy

that's been blowing up for a while.

The wrinkles are starting

to come out. It's taking shape.

Just that early...

My dick's just waking up.

What are you guys doing here?

I've never watched the whole movie.

I've never seen Magic Mike

in its entirety.

Because I don't wanna see it.

I don't wanna see the end of Magic Mike.

I know what the end of Magic Mike is.

I'm pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike

is that I'm gay.

I'm pretty sure that's how it ends.

I don't want to see the ending.

I want to stay like this.

You know why? 'Cause I'm 49 years old.

I don't want to enter

the gay community now.

This is not the version of me

that's gonna have an awesome time

as the new gay guy.

So, f*** that.

And that's my right, by the way.

Because that's about me.

That is my life.

I'd never discriminate

against another person for being gay.

I wouldn't dream of it.

But I have every right to oppress

and discriminate against

my own possible budding homosexuality.

That's mine to just violently push down.

Like it's a dude

I'm trying to make blow me right now.

And you know, I haven't become, like,

generally attracted to men.

I'm not sexually attracted to men.

Just Matthew McConaughey

and Channing Tatum.

Those two guys? F***.

F***, seriously.

Matthew, with his, like, leathery skin.

He's like, "Hey..."

Just...

F***ing sexy.

And Channing, kind of dumb face, like...

Like, oh, sh*t!

F***. I like it.

But men, in general, I'm not into it.

You know what I think it is?

I'm only gay for the best.

I'm top-shelf gay.

I'm not retail gay, you know what I mean?

I'm not off-the-rack gay.

I'm not gonna go to JC Penney's

and suck a bunch of d*cks.

I'm going to go to Neiman Marcus

and get the signature collection.

Platinum dick.

The best.

The best dick.

'Cause I'll try the best anything.

If it's the best one, I'll try it.

Like, I don't like cognac.

I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy

and keep it in my house.

But I've never tried the best cognac.

If somebody was like,

"Would you like to try this cognac? It's...

This cognac was 500 years old

300 years ago."

Like, "Yeah. F***ing give me that."

If somebody asked me

to go to a Kenyan restaurant,

I don't want to go to a Kenyan restaurant.

I know all the foods that I like.

If somebody was like,

"This is the best Kenyan restaurant.

It takes six months to get a reservation.

I can get you in.

They fly live turtles in.

And you eat it, you bite off

its screaming face while it's alive.

And every turtle you eat is the last

of his species."

I can't wait to eat that f***ing turtle.

I'm going to end his people with my mouth.

The best, I'll try it.

If somebody was like,

"We have a guy here, he has the best dick.

The best dick ever.

His dick has been soaking in olive oil

since he was five years old.

We've been feeding him nothing

but butter and penises his whole life.

He has the best dick,

and you can suck it right now."

"Well, let me see it.

Can I see it?

Can you take it out?

Oh, sh*t. That's beautiful. Oh, my God.

That's my favorite thing now.

F***, I shouldn't have looked at it.

Bring it closer. I don't know what I'm

gonna do, but bring it closer, please."

I think, at that point,

you put it in your mouth, right?

If you're looking at the best dick ever,

and you're not sure... you wanna suck it,

just put it in your mouth.

And then decide.

Just for like 20 seconds.

Whoo!

That's a long time.

That's 20 seconds.

That's a long time

to have a dick in your mouth...

that you're ambivalent about.

It's 20 sec...

If you have a dick in your mouth

for 20 seconds, you are not deciding.

Twenty seconds.

This is... I'll show you. This is

20 seconds with a dick in your mouth.

No.

No.

Yeah, I decided not to suck that dick...

that's been in my mouth all day.

I don't like d*cks.

That's why I'm not gay.

That really is the reason. I hate d*cks.

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