Louis C.K. 2017 Page #7

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Penises are very disgusting to me.

To me. I don't want to yuck your yum.

I just think they're gross.

I always hated penises.

I hated my father's penis. I did.

I did. I hated my father's penis.

When you're a little boy,

you're gonna see your dad's dick.

If you go to a restaurant,

you're probably gonna see your dad's dick.

I should explain that, right?

That sounds like I have a weird father.

"All right, we're going out to eat.

Everybody take a look."

No, sometimes if you go

to a restaurant with your family,

when it's time to pee, you go pee

with your dad if you're a little boy.

If you go to a ballgame with your dad,

there was...

There were never urinals.

It was just a trough.

And the little boys and the men

stand there together.

And the men are just standing there...

And we're down here, the little boys.

And the d*cks are eye-level.

Just horrible, pissing d*cks.

In both directions,

like a chorus line, just...

And my dad had the worst dick.

He had the worst.

'Cause my dad...

First of all, my father's Mexican.

It's true. My father is Mexican. I'm not.

I'm not Mexican. My father is.

Just 'cause some Mexican f***ed my mom

for years... doesn't make me a Mexican.

It just makes her a whore.

But, anyway... my dad...

My father had a Mexican, Catholic,

uncut, raw, organic...

local, f***ing free-range Mexican dick.

It was just so basic.

It was like a farmer's market yam,

just sticking out like a tamarindo pod.

And the pee would spray out of it.

I'm like, "Dad, open your dick

before you pee out of it."

It's like you're pissing out

of the corner of a pillowcase.

And my dad's life is...

My dad's had a weird life.

Too.

When I was ten years old, my parents got

divorced, and my dad turned into a Jew.

I mean, he converted...

to Judaism. He didn't turn into a Jew.

It's not like my dad was like...

He...

converted... to Judaism.

And I had friends who were Jewish.

And I knew that they had little

clipped d*cks, little... little neat...

And then I remembered

my father's alligator claw of a penis.

I really hate penises.

That's really my problem with being gay.

That's why I'm not gay. Men are fine.

I'd like to have a boyfriend,

that would be nice.

I would. Every time I hear somebody say

"my boyfriend,"

I'm always like, "I want a boyfriend."

Why can't I have a boyfriend?

I'd like to have a big, tall boyfriend.

That's my boyfriend.

I'm mad at my boyfriend.

I get to wear his jacket.

It's all big on me.

I'm like, "This is my boyfriend's jacket.

I feel safe."

I know I would like it.

I would like to have a big dude

in my life.

Comes up behind me like this.

I'm like, "Hi."

Like, I know that would be nice.

But in order to get all those parts,

you have to have a f***ing cock

shoved up your a**hole.

Like a hard dick ramming in your...

Ow!

"Oh, f***.

Oh.

I just wanted to wear your jacket."

Thanks a lot, you guys. You were great.

Thank you very, very much.

In the days of my youth

I was told what it means to be a man

Now I've reached that age

I've tried to do all those things

The best I can

No matter how I try

I find my way to the same old jam

Good times, bad times

You know I've had my share

When my woman left home

For a brown-eyed man

Well, I still don't seem to...

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