Louis C.K. : Oh My God

Fade the music out.

Let's roll.

Hold there.

Lights.

Do the lights.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that.

I don't necessarily agree with

you, but I appreciate very much.

Well, this is a nice place.

This is easily the nicest place

For many miles

in every direction.

That's how you

compliment a building

And sh*t on a town

with one sentence.

It is odd around here,

as I was driving here.

There doesn't seem to be

any difference

Between the sidewalk and

the street for pedestrians here.

People just kind of walk

in the middle of the road.

I love traveling

And seeing all the different

parts of the country.

I live in new york.

I live in a--

There's no value

to your doing that at all.

I live--

I live in new york.

I always--

Like, there's this old lady

in my neighborhood,

And she's always

walking her dog.

She's always just--

she's very old.

She just stands there

just being old,

And the dog just fights gravity

every day, just--

The two of them, it's really--

The dog's got a cloudy eye,

and she's got a cloudy eye,

And they just stand there

looking at the street

In two dimensions together,

and--

And she's always wearing, like,

this old sweater dress.

I guess it was a sweater

when she was, like, 5'10",

But now it's just,

like, this sweater

And her legs are--

her legs are a nightmare.

They're just white with green

streaks and bones sticking out.

Her legs are awful.

I saw a guy with no legs

wheeling by,

And he was like,

"yecch, no thank you.

"I do not want those.

"I'd rather just have air

down here like I have

Than to look down at that sh*t."

I see these two all the time,

and I always look at them,

And I always think,

"god, I hope she dies first."

I do.

I hope she dies first,

for her sake,

Because I don't want her

to lose the dog.

I don't think she'll

be able to handle it.

If she dies--

If the old lady dies first,

I'm not worried about the dog

Because the dog doesn't even

know about the old lady.

This dog is aware of

three inches around his head.

He's living

in two-second increments.

The second he's in

and the one he just left

Is all he knows about,

But if he dies, this lady,

she's gonna be destroyed

Because this dog is all she has,

And I know he's all she has

because she has him.

There's no--

If she had one person

in her life,

She would not keep

this piece of sh*t little dog.

Even if just some young woman

in her building one morning

Were to say,

"good morning, gladys,"

She'd be like, "good,"

And just flush him

down the toilet, just--

Poom! Poom!

The dog just keeps

bumping on the drain.

Poom!

"" she gives up.

Ends up just shitting on her dog

for the rest of her life.

P-p-p!

Poom!

You ever flush a pet

down the toilet?

I had to flush my daughter's

fish down the toilet.

I came home, the fish was dead.

She wasn't home from school yet,

so I just flushed the fish,

And that's a weird moment, too,

'cause fish live in water.

So you put it in the toilet,

floats to the bottom,

Like, "yeah, he's dead,"

And then you flush,

and it looks like he goes,

"wait a second! Aw, sh*t!

"I was taking a nap! Jesus!

"you gotta be in constant motion

To get any respect

in this house."

And then my daughter comes home.

"why did he die, da--"

Come on. What am I gonna say?

Why did he die?

Because who gives a sh*t?

That's the reason.

That's the actual reason,

is because didn't matter

That he was alive.

That's why he's dead.

He didn't know his name,

and he didn't love you back.

These are the facts

about that fish's life.

My daughter likes fish.

We took her to the aquarium.

I took both my kids

to the aquarium in boston,

And we were looking

at this seal, or sea lion.

I don't know which one.

I don't care.

I don't think they need

to be separate things.

I really don't.

They don't care,

and we don't care.

There's, like, three scientists

Who give a sh*t

what we call all those things.

The scientists could

go on tv tomorrow

And say, "ok, everybody.

"from now on, seals

and sea lions and walruses,

And--you know what?--Penguins

are all seals now,"

And we would all be like,

"yeah, all right. Fine. Yes.

Whatever, man."

Anyway, so we're looking

at this seal/sea lion thing,

And he's looking back at us

through the plexiglas,

And he's going--

They're really disgusting

in person.

Most animals are

when you really see them.

You ever go to a farm?

You think you're gonna see

little, white sheep

Going, "baa," but they're

all fat and sh*t-colored,

And they're like--

Jesus.

That thing is awful.

Anyway, seals don't go--

They go--

My daughter's like,

"what is he saying?"

I don't know!

"I'm a slave!

Kill me!"

Must be awful to be

other kinds of stuff,

You know?

I'm glad I'm this.

This is a pretty good deal when

you consider the alternatives.

Anything else, any other kind of

thing, you're in the food chain.

You're in the food--

we are out of the food chain.

I don't know if we

fully appreciate the fact

That we got

out of the food chain.

That is a massive upgrade

Because for every other

living thing,

Life ends by being eaten.

That's how all life ends, is--

Every single life

except human life,

Every life ends like this.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

We're the only ones that get

to just die old in a bed,

Just "I love you. Bye."

I mean, imagine if we were

still in the food chain

On top of everything else.

Imagine if we were

in the food chain.

It would just be another thing

you gotta deal with.

You're already having a bad day.

You wake in up in the morning.

You're making breakfast.

You burn your toast,

and it's too late to try again,

And your kid comes in and says,

"beh," and you're like, "fine,"

And it's just, "why?"

You get a thing in the mail

That says that

your phone's different,

And your mortgage

is another company now.

What? I don't get it!

Then you're walking to work

like, "why do I even bother?

"sh*t! Goddamn it!

"there's always f***ing cheetahs

at the train station!

Stop it!"

You think that sharks--

Do you think that sharks

would be embarrassed

If they knew that we could all

see their fins

Sticking out

the top of the water?

I think they'd be bummed

'cause I don't think sharks

are aware of that at all.

I think sharks think

they're slick.

They swim around like,

"hey, nobody has any idea

what's down here,"

And we're all up here like,

"there's totally a shark

right there."

It wouldn't be fun

being a predator, either.

If you're a predator, imagine

if every time you're hungry,

You gotta chase a guy

Who's running for his life.

You gotta-- "come on, dude!

Sh*t, get over here!"

And just hold him down

and bite his neck

Till he shuts the f*** up

for a minute

So you can just sit there

and eat his stomach

Before you go to work.

That would really suck.

That's why animals just--

They go, "let's do this

together, man.

"you chase the parents away.

I am gonna eat the kid,

and you circle back."

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes