Louis C.K. : Oh My God Page #2

That's why they do it like that.

"f*** it. I'm eating babies.

This is bullshit."

"grownups ain't worth

the meat."

Whoops, all right.

All right.

sh*t.

Goddamn it.

Idiot.

This isn't a gay voice,

by the way.

It's not.

Shut up.

yeah.

I live in new york city,

and it's ok there.

I live in a nice building.

I never lived

in a nice place before.

When I was growing up,

I had no money.

I mean, my mom didn't.

Didn't matter. I was a child.

But I'm not used to it

'cause it's nice.

There's, like,

a pretty courtyard

With flowers and a fountain

with little marble boys pissing.

I don't know.

What is it with fountains?

Like, all fountain sculptors

are pedophiles, basically.

You can't get a fountain

made without--

"can you make me a fountain?"

"yes, I'll get started

right away!

"Yes!

Yes!

It's finished!"

And it's just little boys

pissing on the face

Of a greek god

that looks like him a lot.

"just piss on me forever!"

Anyway, there's one of those

in the courtyard of my building,

And my first week in

the building about a year ago,

I went down to the courtyard

for the first time,

And I didn't look

too good, you know?

It was a Sunday morning.

That's my

least presentable hour.

There's a lot of, you know,

just stains,

Just like, you know,

food and me and whatever...

And so I'm sitting there.

So? Shut up.

Ha ha ha!

Anyway, but so there I was.

I'm sitting on the stone bench

of this courtyard

And feeling a little

out of place.

You know, there's

these fancy doormen and stuff,

And then there's this guy

looking at me.

I notice he's looking at me

from across the courtyard,

And he's all spiffy-looking.

He's got brown shoes, and he's

looking at me like, ""

I can tell he was thinking

I don't live in the building.

He thinks I just wandered in

off the streets

And sat in the courtyard.

I can tell he's thinking

of coming over

And dealing with me on his own,

and I'm sitting there thinking,

Like, "please do that. Yes.

Please, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on,"

And I'm trying to look

even more gross,

And I'm, like,

pulling up my shirt, ""

And then I see him go, "no.

That's not gonna do at all,"

And he comes over to me,

"" and I'm like,

"Num num num!"

I'm so excited to have

this thing, a confrontation

Where I'm not wrong at all

and he thinks I am.

"rrgh!"

So he comes over, says,

"excuse me,

"do you live in this building?"

And I said, "no,"

'cause why not start there?

I said, "no."

He goes, "well then,

what are you doing here?"

And I said, "I just need

to rest.

I'm having a hard time."

He says,

"this is private property,"

And I said, "well, I don't

really believe in that."

You know, just the worst things

I could say

From his point of view

Is basically all the things

I was saying,

And he goes,

"well, if you don't leave,

I'm gonna talk to the doorman."

I was like, "can I just stay,

like, five more hours?"

So he's--"no,"

and he goes over to the doorman

And I see him talking about me

to the doorman like this,

And then I see the doorman

going, "no.

That guy lives here. It's ok,"

And the look on his face--

mwah mwah! Num num!--

It was just so--

It was this beautiful cocktail

of anger and confusion.

It's like I had invented a new

way to hurt somebody's feelings.

That's how excited I was.

I'm 45 now,

So I'm either halfway through

a healthy life

Or almost done

with a not-so-healthy life.

I don't know which one.

I won't know till it's over

where this was.

I don't know how long

I'm gonna live.

I don't know.

Nobody knows, I guess.

I think human life expectancy

is pretty good.

We get a good run, you know?

Some people die early, you know?

If I die now, people will be

like, "that's too bad."

If I die five years from now,

they'll be like,

"well, all right,"

like it's not even--

It's--

Like, as soon as you're 50,

you're a candidate.

You know, there's

no candlelight vigils

For 50-year-old guys that die,

And you start pushing--

You know, some people get to be

like, 80s, 90s.

You know, there are people

that get to, like, 114,

And then they're in the news,

and it's always some old guy,

"I met napoleon."

No, you didn't, you liar,

You oldest liar in the world.

But 45, you know,

you're not old yet,

But you start having moments

Where you kind of start getting

what old is,

Especially if you didn't

take care of yourself, you know?

I have moments where I'm like,

"wow, this seems early

for this."

Like, this is something

that happens to me a lot.

I'll be sitting watching tv

or doing nothing,

And all of a sudden,

I'll realize,

"I need to wipe my ass

right now."

"I mean, nothing happened,

But I really gotta

wipe my ass right now.

Right now."

Gotta make trips to the bathroom

just to wipe my ass.

How does this happen already?

I'm 45.

Already, my a**hole's just like,

"Just-- "

My a**hole--

My a**hole's like the waistband

on old pajama bottoms,

Just kinda...

Loose and ineffectual.

My a**hole's like a bag

of leaves that nobody tied up.

It's just sitting on the lawn,

full and open,

Puking leaves onto the grass

with every wisp of wind.

Some kid kicks it over

on his way home

From a tough day

at middle school.

"rats."

That's a pretty accurate

description of my a**hole.

Here's another thing

about my age right now.

If I'm--

ok. Say I'm sitting down.

If I'm sitting anywhere,

which--ha ha ha!--

I love sitting so much--

I would take sitting

and doing nothing

To standing and f***ing any day.

This is way better than coming.

This is way better.

This is what--

At my age, if I'm sitting down

and somebody tells me

I need to get up

and go to another room,

I need to be told

all the information why first.

You gotta explain

all that sh*t to me.

"what? Why do I--

no. Why, though?"

"your car is being towed

right now!"

"well, that's what happens

to me, then. That's--

I accept that."

'cause getting up

is a whole thing.

It means first,

I have to decide,

"do I really want

to be alive anymore?"

Like, let's start with that,

And then I gotta, "" start

kind of rocking to get momentum,

"" like I'm trying to get

an old honda out of a snow bank.

"sh*t."

The worst part of my day,

worst part of every day

Of my life, is when

I have to put on my socks.

Putting on my socks

is the worst part

Of every day,

and it always will be.

Even if I have a terrible day

in the future

Where my grandmother is murdered

by my other grandmother,

If that ever happened to me,

the worst part of that day

Will be when I put on

my socks because--

Putting on my socks,

that means I have to--

Here's what I have to do.

I have to get my hands

past my pointed toe.

I don't even know how I do it.

I'm sitting here.

I don't know how I do that.

It's 'cause you have to--

It's like folding

a bowling ball in half.

Soon as I start, I can feel--

I'm pushing all the fat up

into my vital organs,

And I just feel

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