Louis C.K. : Oh My God Page #3

all the systems failing.

"beep, beep, beep!"

And I have to, like, lay on

my back like an eight-year-old

And go like this,

and I start passing out.

And I know

other people's lives are hard.

Ha ha ha!

I know.

I saw an interview on tv

with michael j. Fox,

And he has parkinson's,

and he was describing

Brushing his teeth, and he said

It takes him two hours a day,

and he said it's agony,

And I saw this and I thought,

"ok. That's hard."

That is hard,

And so is putting on my socks.

Sorry, michael.

Doesn't make it easier to know

about your thing.

Tell you what.

I'll help you brush your teeth,

you help me with the socks.

I don't know.

I like getting older, though.

Life is an education, and

if you're older, you're smarter.

I just believe that.

If you're in an argument

with somebody

And they're older than you,

you should listen to them.

It doesn't mean they're right.

It means that

even if they're wrong,

Their wrongness is rooted in

more information than you have.

They've been there longer.

If you're older, you're smarter.

How many people here,

by applause, are 45 or older?

Ok.

That's about 60 people

out of 2,400.

Here's the interesting thing.

There's way more. I can see you.

There's so many more.

This is arizona.

There are way more people

in that demographic,

But they didn't clap.

Why? 'cause they're smart.

They're sitting in the dark

going, "I don't have to clap.

I don't have to do anything."

They're not doing it,

and they're right.

You know why?

'cause never identify yourself.

Never. Are you crazy?

You don't know why I'm asking.

How do you know what--

Ok. Burn them all.

Burn everybody over 45.

How do you know

I'm not gonna do that?

How many people here,

by applause, are 40 or younger?

That's every time.

"whoo! Whoo!" every time.

That is a weird thing

to celebrate

In a room where you're

not the only people here.

That's like going

to a cancer ward--

"not me! Whoo!

I don't have it!

I don't have it!"

If you're older, you're smarter.

A 55-year-old garbage man

is a million times smarter

Than a 28-year-old

with three ph.D.S,

Especially smarter than him,

'cause this idiot

Has been thinking about three

things for, like, 15 years.

He's worthless.

The garbage man is 55.

He's had some experience.

Things have happened to him.

He went to cape cod one summer.

He saw a dead guy

floating in the motel pool.

He took a bus to montreal.

He got a hand job at a fair...

From a miner.

I mean a miner.

Not a minor, a miner.

You understand? A miner.

A grown man who works in a mine

With dirty hands

jacked him off at a county fair.

That's what I'm saying happened

to the 55-year-old.

You see?

He's had some experience.

He knows more.

More has happened to him.

He's seen more.

He's seen history.

He's witnessed history,

Even if it's not

ancient history.

He saw nixon resign

on live television.

Me and those few people

that clapped,

We saw

the president of america cry

And then quit being

the president.

That sh*t was crazy

'cause none of us knew

what was gonna happen next.

Today people are like,

"the president's

kind of disappointing."

Really?

Our president wept

like an insane person

And then got on a helicopter

and flew away...

And the whole nation

just watched him go.

I like getting older, though,

because for me,

The kind of guy I am,

getting older

Makes my life better, you know,

Like, my sex life,

way better at 45,

Look, 'cause this situation

is ok at 45.

This is not a fun kind

of a 17-year-old to be.

And some people, their life

is better when they're younger.

You know, young dudes,

young, skinny dudes,

Best life in the world

is being a young, skinny dude.

They don't have to do anything.

They just show up

With a big adam's apple

and a smelly t-shirt.

"hey, I'm here for the easy

p*ssy for the rest of my life."

"so where do I--

everywhere? Ok. Cool."

But for guys like me,

this is not a fun youth.

It gets better.

I'd like to make one of those

"it gets better" ads

For just dumpy, young guys.

We could use a little help,

a little encouragement,

Just somebody on tv,

"listen, man.

"I know it's tough right now.

"you're vaguely heavy

with no face.

"you have zero value

on the sexual marketplace.

"you feel invisible to the girls

in school because you are,

"but it gets better

because you'll all grow up,

"and you pretty much look

just like this your whole life,

"and they don't.

"their options start running out

really fast,

"and you're gonna be there.

"as long as you stay

relatively employed and washed,

"you're gonna be amazing

in your 40s.

"you're gonna be--

"you're gonna be the branch

that she can grab

"before she hits the ground.

"it's gonna be so great.

"it just takes time

for her circumstances

"to match your looks,

but it's gonna happen.

"it's gonna happen.

"when real sh*t matters,

You're gonna be the sexiest

motherf***er in the world."

It's just time.

That's all it takes.

There's a formula to this.

It's p*ssy plus time

over income squared.

Everybody has their time.

Everybody has their time.

I mean, not everybody.

There are people out there who

there's just nobody for them.

Yep.

People like to say things like,

"there's someone for everyone."

Nope!

Not at all true,

and stop saying it

'cause it's mean to people

who never find anybody.

There are millions

of people out there

Who we've all

unanimously decided,

They are light speed ugly

And nobody kisses them

on the lips, even.

Nobody touches their genitals

their entire life.

They just wash it,

and then they die.

That's all that happens,

"aww," and if you're

feeling bad for them,

You can go find one

and f*** one tomorrow,

You can just solve the problem

right there

With all that kindness

in your heart.

"aww." well, go f*** one.

"nah." I didn't think so.

That's the one way

we're all mean.

Nobody does that.

Nobody fucks down, nobody.

People f*** up or across.

Some women f*** down

because a guy

Talked them into that it was up.

Some guy, "yeah. No. You should.

I'm totally up. Yeah."

It's a weird selection process

that we have.

Dating really is--

It's how we evolve, is dating.

It's how we

choose each other,

And dating is a real drag

for a lot of people,

But I always think

it's a nice thing.

You know, when I see a date,

I'm always happy when I see

a couple on a date

'cause it means people

are still trying, you know?

You see a couple on a date,

It means there's still

courage out there.

That takes courage, to go

on a date, for both sides,

Two very different kinds

of courage.

The male courage,

traditionally speaking,

Is that he decided to ask.

He went up to a random woman

who he has no idea

If she's gonna like him or not

And he walked up to her

terrified.

Everything in your body

is telling you,

"just go the f*** home

and jerk off.

Don't do this!"

But he walked up and said,

"hi. Yes,"

And she's like, ""

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