Louis C.K. : Oh My God Page #4

"no, no, no. A second.

Give me a second,"

And you try to get through

this membrane of, you know--

And then, if it works

And you say,

"you wanna go out sometime?"

Sometimes she'll say yes,

and if she says yes,

That's her courage,

and the courage it takes

For a woman to say yes is

beyond anything I can imagine.

A woman saying yes to a date

with a man is literally insane

And ill-advised,

and the whole species' existence

Counts on them doing it,

and I don't know how they--

How do women still go out with

guys when you consider the fact

That there is no greater threat

to women than men?

We're the number-one

threat to women.

Globally and historically,

we're the number-one cause

Of injury and mayhem to women.

We're the worst thing

that ever happens to them.

That's true.

You know what

our number-one threat is?

Heart disease.

That's the whole thing.

That's it, just our own heart

going, "dude, I can't--

"you can't keep doing this.

I told you three strokes ago

that this is not smart,"

But women still--

"yeah. I'll go out with you

alone at night."

What are you, nuts?

"I'll get in your car with you

with my little shoulders.

Hi. Where are we going?"

"to your death, statistically."

How do they still do it?

If you're a guy, try to imagine

that you could only date

A half-bear, half-lion,

And you're like,

"I hope this one's nice.

I hope he doesn't do

what he's going to do."

I always--

I love when I see a date.

You know, when you see a date,

you can tell it's the first date

'cause of the way they're

walking together

And she's looking up at his face

trying to figure him out,

And he's just a mess.

A guy on a first date

just has no actual personality.

He's just a mishmash

Of different kinds of dudes

for a couple of seconds each,

Just anything, no cohesive--

Just like a ransom note

cut out of a lot of magazines,

Just, you know, "well...

"ha ha!

"well, yes. I think so, too.

Ha ha! Rrgh..."

Whatever, just like

a blind dick in space

Just thrusting

in infinite directions

Hoping to find pay dirt

at someplace,

And then sometimes

you see a date

That's later down the line

and something has happened.

There's something

that happens in a date

That I never get to witness

'cause women do this.

They get to do it inside.

They get to just decide quietly,

"I'm gonna let him f*** me."

They just get to decide.

Something he says,

and she's like,

"that was good.

He's gonna f*** me later,"

And he has no idea.

He's still, like,

trying all this sh*t.

He still has no idea

he's already in there.

Guys are--

We love women a lot--

all men do--

And we just look at you.

That's what I do.

I just look at women.

I just--""

Like they're, you know,

cakes in windows.

I just--""

I was walking in new york once,

And there's these two very cute

women walking behind me,

And I was trying to walk slowly

so I could hear

What they were saying

to each other, you know,

'cause they were cute,

so I wanted to hear them,

Like that's gonna help me

in any way, to hear their--

"don't you wish the guy

walking in front of us

Would squeeze our tits

for, like, one second?"

Ok.

Here.

Here I go. Thank you.

It's really a flaw in men

that we would all do that.

If you're a woman, you could ask

any guy on planet earth,

"could you squeeze my tit

for one second?"

And 100% of us will go,

"yes, of course."

That doesn't matter.

I could be doing

open heart surgery.

"yeah. Ok."

Beep! "don't worry.

He's not your tits.

Don't worry about it."

I don't know why

we love tits so much.

Some people say it's because

we breastfeed, but so do women,

Or, you know, baby women.

Not grown-up women,

don't usually--

You don't see, like,

a 68-year-old woman,

Like, a stately look--

You know, like sigourney weaver,

Like, sucking milk

out of a young woman's tit.

"thank you, deborah.

I'll see you tomorrow at 2:00."

It's not usually the thing,

Is the elderly breastfeeding

from the young,

Except for at the end

of "the grapes of wrath,"

Which I don't mean

to ruin that book for you,

But you should have read it

by now.

I don't know if you read

"the grapes of wrath,"

But that's how it ends,

with an old, dying man

Sucking milk

out of a young girl's tits,

And then the book is over,

and you're like,

"jesus! What happened

at the end there?

That's crazy."

There's no other book

in that genre.

There's no dense,

historic classic

That ends with a weird,

porny paragraph at the very--

"and then anna karenina

shat on his chest."

"holy moly with that!"

"the end."

"my god!

"that is a violent shift in tone

at the end of that book.

I've been reading this book

for three months."

But we do, we love tits,

And you always know a tit.

You always know a tit.

You know, like you ever been

in a crowded place--

Like a subway or like,

you know, a sports stadium--

And you're smooshed in

with other people

And your elbow touches a tit

behind you, you're like,

"that's a tit.

I just touched it.

I know that was a tit.

I know it!"

Because the sensitivity

of the male elbow

To tit flesh specifically

is unbelievable, just to tits,

'cause you could drive a tack

in there, I'm not gonna feel it,

But a tit--

Through a shirt and a sweater

and a jacket

And her jacket, sweater,

shirt and bra, somehow...

"it's a tit! I touched a tit!

"I touched a tit!

I touched one tit. One tit."

That's rare, to touch one tit.

It's like a four-leaf clover.

Usually, you touch two.

The only time you touch one tit

is when it was an accident

Or you didn't have permission,

But otherwise...

When tit access is granted,

It's usually good

for two tits at a time.

It's, once you're on one--

You really have to screw up

really badly and quickly

To lose tit access

between tits one and two.

You must have said something

really dumb on the first tit

That you didn't get

the second one.

"yeah, it's like your mom's

dirty whore tit."

"why? What? I said I liked it.

"that's what I meant,

is that I like it.

"I like your mom's

dirty whore tit,

And I like yours,"

And if it's up to the guy,

we're gonna touch both tits.

No guy touches a tit

and then goes, "you know what?

"I'm good with the one.

That's fine for me.

Everything in moderation."

We're gonna touch both,

Even if something terrible

happens in the middle of--

"yeah--"

"there's a bomb!"

"sh*t! Come on, let's get--

"come on!

Let's get your tits

out of here!"

I've seen a few tits.

I've seen--I don't know--

I don't know.

I had my history

in my life, you know?

I've been divorced

for five years,

And it's been the best part

of my life, being divorced,

Easily my favorite part

of my life.

I love being divorced.

Every year has been

better than the last.

That is the only time

I can say that about,

And by the way, I'm not saying

don't get married.

If you meet somebody,

fall in love and get married,

And then get divorced

because that's the best part.

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