Louis C.K. : Oh My God Page #5

It's the best part.

Marriage is just like a larva

stage for true happiness,

Which is divorce,

Because you just let go

and everything's fine now.

Divorce is forever.

It really actually is.

Marriage is for how long

you can hack it,

But divorce just gets stronger

like a piece of oak.

Nobody ever says, "

my divorce is falling apart.

It's over. I can't take it."

And again, if you're

in a good marriage, stay in it.

If you're in the best marriage

ever, stay in it.

I'm just saying, if you got out,

it would be better.

That's just a fact. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

Everything's better.

My ex-wife and I,

This is the best part

of our knowing each other.

We're good co-parents because

we live apart and we're friends.

Our kids go to her

half the week,

They come to me half the week,

and I'm a good father.

I'm an attentive, focused,

and responsible father.

Do you know why?

'cause I get to say good-bye

to these kids every week.

Are you shitting me?

It's like every parent's

fantasy.

Who can't be a good father

for half of every week?

No matter how bad it gets,

every Wednesday,

I get to go, "good-bye, girls.

"daddy's gonna go upstairs

and pour whiskey

All over his naked body

right now."

"I'm gonna lay in my own filth

Until two seconds

before you come back here."

That's why I'm such a good dad.

My daughter was having

a dance thing at her school.

They had this big dance.

Anyway, we all went,

all the parents,

And everybody's there,

and everybody's got their phone,

Every single parent.

It was an amazing thing to watch

'cause kids are dancing

And every parent

is standing there like this.

Every single person

was blocking their vision

Of their actual child

with their phone, and the kids--

I went over by the stage

and the kids--

There's people holding ipads

in front of their faces.

It looked like we're all in

the witness protection program.

Like, the kids can't see

their parents,

And everybody's watching

a shitty movie

Of something

that's happening ten feet--

Like, look at your f***ing kid.

The resolution on the kid is

unbelievable if you just look.

It's totally hd.

Why are you taping this?

You're never gonna watch it.

In a million years,

you're not gonna watch videos

Of your kids doing sh*t

you missed

The first time it happened.

You don't watch it.

You just put it on facebook.

"here, you watch it.

I wanna take a nap now."

And then you get to read

all the comments.

"my god!

"it's so cute!

Ngaah!"

And guess what?

They're not watching it, either.

They're not watching the video.

These kids are dancing

for no one.

Nobody watches the videos

on your facebook.

They see the first frame

of a kid and they go,

"that's very nice.

Ok. Back to this."

Nobody's watching your kids'

videos on facebook,

I promise you.

I'll prove it to you.

Next time you tape

your kid's dance,

Tape one second of it

and then add

of just your own a**hole.

Just go in the bathroom

and just record your own anus

Opening and closing

for 20 minutes.

Tack it onto your kid dancing

for a second.

Put that on facebook.

Everybody will write

the same thing.

"that's adorable!

I think I see a future star!"

Don't tape sh*t on your--

Life is short.

Life is very short.

I like life. I like it.

I feel like even if it ends up

being short,

I got lucky to have it 'cause

life is an amazing gift

When you think about what

you get with a basic life,

Not even a particularly

lucky life or a healthy life.

If you have a life,

that's an ama--

Here's your boilerplate deal

with life.

This is basic cable,

what you get when you get life.

You get to be on earth.

First of all--my god--

what a location.

This is earth, and for trillions

of miles in every direction,

It f***ing sucks so bad.

It's so shitty that your eyes

bolt out of your head

'cause it sucks so bad.

You get to be on earth

and look at sh*t,

As long as you're not blind

or whatever it is.

You get to be here.

You get to eat food.

You get to put bacon

in your mouth.

I mean, when you have bacon

in your mouth,

It doesn't matter

who's president or anything,

You just--""

Every time I'm eating bacon,

I think,

"I could die right now,"

and I mean it!

That's how good life is.

You get to--

you get to f***.

That's free if you're smart.

That comes with.

That's part of the deal.

Where else are you gonna get

that deal?

You get to put your dick

in there and go in and out,

Pretty good,

And if you're a woman,

you get to just lay back

And just have a dick

Just shoving

in and out of you awkwardly

Anytime you want,

anytime you want.

If you're a gay man, you get to

just fill your boyfriend's ass

With your dick, just fill it

all the way to the balls,

And it's nice and warm

and tight in there,

And he's your buddy.

If you're a lesbian,

You get to do all the stuff

they're doing, and...

It's a great deal.

You get to eat. You get to f***.

You get to read

"to kill a mockingbird."

It's a great life.

So, you know, I'm not worried

about it ending.

It's pretty good,

and I've wasted a lot of time

Just being angry at people

I don't know.

You know, it's amazing how nasty

we can get as people,

Depending on the situation.

Like, most people are ok

as long as they're ok,

But if you put people in certain

contexts, they just change.

Like, when I'm in my car, I have

a different set of values.

I am the worst person I can be

when I'm behind the wheel,

Which is when I'm

at my most dangerous.

When you're driving,

That's when you need to be

the most compassionate

And responsible of any other

time in your life

'cause you are f***ing driving

a weapon amongst weapons,

And yet it's the worst

people get, and I am the worst.

One time, I was driving,

and there was a guy ahead of me,

And he kind of--I don't know--

sorta drifted into my lane

For a second,

and this came out of my mouth.

I said,

"worthless piece of sh*t."

I mean, what an indictment.

What kind of a way is that to

feel about another human being?

"worthless piece of sh*t"?

That's somebody's son.

And things I've said

to other people.

I was once driving, and some guy

in a pickup truck did--

I don't remember, even--

And I yelled out my window,

I said, "hey, f*** you!"

Where outside of a car

is that even nearly ok?

If you were in an elevator

And you were, like, right next

to a person's body

And, whatever, like, he leaned

into you a little bit,

Would you ever turn

right to their face

And go, "hey, f*** you!"?

"worthless piece of sh*t!"

No.

Literally zero people

would ever do that,

But put a couple of pieces of

glass and some road between you,

There's nothing you would not

say to them.

"I hope you die!"

I said that to a person.

"I hope you die!"

Why? 'cause you made me

go like this

For half a second of my life.

You tested my reflexes,

and it worked out fine!

So now I hope your kids

grow up motherless!"

I mean, what am I capable of?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes