Louis C.K. : Oh My God Page #6

I'd like to think

that I'm a nice person,

But I don't know, man.

A lot of it is context.

There's a lot of things I wonder

if the world was different.

Like, if murder was legal, I

might have killed a few people.

I don't know.

I'd love to think,

"I would never do that,"

But we really need the law

against murder

For one simple reason.

The law against murder

Is the number-one thing

preventing murder.

We'd like to think it's 'cause,

Like, "I would never

do that."

No. It's 'cause it really sucks

getting caught murdering, a lot.

If murder was legal,

or just a misdemeanor--

Like you get a thing

in the mail--

"sh*t, they had

a camera there.

Well."

If murder was legal,

there would be so much murder.

Regular people would murder.

Murderers would murder

even more,

And then really nice,

sweet people

Would murder a few people,

But nobody would murder

no people.

You wouldn't trust somebody

who didn't murder

If murder was legal.

You wouldn't like them.

"I never killed anybody."

"ok. Nice meeting you.

Yecch, what a creep.

"I mean, not even a hooker?

Live a life.

"what's wrong with that guy?

He's like a mormon or some sh*t.

I hate those guys."

"I think he's nice."

"shut up, janet."

They would just--

If murder was legal,

there would be a lot of murder.

Children would behave

very differently

Because mostly parents would be

murdering their own kids,

That's mostly what would happen

if murder was legal.

You know, you'd go to a mall,

there'd be,

Like eight, different moms

in the mall just--

"I told you to stop it!

You didn't listen to me!"

Just--pbbt!

There'd be just--

You'd be stepping

over dead kids.

There'd be, like, a new problem.

"you have to clean up your kids

"when you kill them

'cause it's gross.

"it's bad for the environment.

"if you murder your child

in a public place,

"please use one of the red bags

that are in the dispensers

"every three feet of america.

"put your murdered child

in the red bag

"with a logo

of a murdered kid on it

"next to the other logo

that tells you

"not to let your alive kid play

with the plastic bag

"because they might suffocate,

In which case you could just

leave them in the bag."

That is a whole bunch

of horrible thoughts

Right in a row, right in a row.

That is a compressed area

of bad thought.

You know, you have

your bad thoughts.

Hopefully you do good things.

Everybody has a competition

in their brain

Of good thoughts

and bad thoughts.

Hopefully,

the good thoughts win.

For me, I always have both.

I have, like, the thing I

believe, the good thing--

That's the thing I believe--

and then there's this thing,

And I don't believe it,

but it is there.

It's always this thing

and then this thing.

It's become a category

in my brain

That I call, "of course...

But maybe..."

I'll give you an example, ok?

Like, of course children

who have nut allergies

Need to be protected, of course.

We have to segregate

their food from nuts,

Have their medication available

at all times,

And anybody who manufactures

or serves food

Needs to be aware of deadly

nut allergies, of course,

But maybe...

Maybe if touching a nut

kills you,

You're supposed to die.

Of course not.

Of course not. Of course not.

Jesus.

I have a nephew who has that.

I'd be devastated if something

happened to him,

But maybe...

Maybe if we all just do this

for one year,

We're done with nut allergies

forever.

No. Of course not.

Of course, if you're fighting

for your country

And you get shot or hurt,

it's a terrible tragedy,

Of course, of course...

But maybe...

Maybe if you pick up a gun

and go to another country

And you get shot,

it's not that weird.

Maybe if you get shot by the

dude you were just shooting at,

It's a tiny bit your fault.

Of course, of course slavery

Is the worst thing

that ever happened.

Listen, listen.

You all clapped for dead kids

with the nuts.

For kids dying from nuts,

you applauded,

So you're in this with me now.

Do you understand?

You don't get to cherry-pick.

Those kids did nothing to you.

Of course, of course slavery

Is the worst thing

that ever happened.

Of course it is,

every time it's happened--

Black people in america,

jews in egypt.

Every time a whole race

of people has been enslaved,

It's a terrible, horrible thing,

of course...

But maybe...

Maybe every incredible

human achievement in history

Was done with slaves.

Every single thing where you go,

"how did they build those

pyramids?"

They just threw human death

and suffering at them

Until they were finished.

How did we traverse the nation

with the railroad so quickly?

We just threw chinese people

in caves and blew 'em up

And didn't give a sh*t

what happened to them.

There's no end

to what you can do

When you don't give a f***

about particular people.

You can do anything.

That's where human greatness

comes from,

Is that we're shitty people,

that we f*** others over.

Even today, how do we have

this amazing microtechnology?

Because the factory

where they're making these,

They jump off the f***ing roof

'cause it's a nightmare

in there.

You really have a choice.

You can have candles and horses

And be a little kinder

to each other

Or let someone

suffer immeasurably far away

Just so you can leave

a mean comment on youtube

While you're taking a sh*t.

Thanks a lot, folks.

You guys were great.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

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