Louisiana Purchase

---

Take a letter to

Paramount Studios, Hollywood.

Gentlemen, I've read

the book of your show,

and as your legal advisor,

I'm writing to let you know...

that it really

can't be done.

I know it's all in fun,

but there is a state

called Louisiana,

and anyone can tell that

they're gonna be sore as...

Well, you won't

get away with it.

They'll sue you...

and the writers

and the actors too.

Because there are laws,

laws that specifically

say...

you can't write a book

or a play...

based on characters

living today.

Yes, the cast

will go to jail,

of that I have no doubt.

But speaking

as your attorney...

? Let me say that

there is a way out?

? You can make

the whole thing legal?

? Without changing

a line in your book?

? It can still be

Louisiana?

? You can call

a crook a crook?

? But you must say

it's based on fiction?

? And everything

will be fine?

? Yours truly

Sam Horowitz?

? Of Rafferty, Driscoll

and O'Brien?

? Before the picture starts

we say with all our hearts?

? The characters portrayed

in our musical charade?

? Have not been based on

persons living or dead?

? They've all been made up

out of the author's head?

? The politicians

we investigate?

? Could come from Kansas

Maine or Indiana?

? So we laid our story

in the mythical state?

? A mythical state

we call Louisiana?

? Within our simple plot

you'll notice quite a lot?

? Of references to crooks

who have monkeyed with

their books?

? The law says

shows like this one?

? Can get by

with one restriction?

? It must be fiction?

? We've tried to stay

within the law?

? That's why

we laid the scenes?

? In New Orleans?

? A city we've invented so that

there would be no fuss?

? If there is such a place

it's certainly news to us?

? Yes, it's certainly

certainly news to us?

? Mythical, mythical

fiction, fiction?

? Mythical, mythical

fiction, fiction?

? Mythical fiction,

mythical fiction, ah??

Ohh.

You're tellin' me. Huh!

Where's Whitfield?

I've got to get back

to the commencement

exercises.

Oh, no, you don't. We're

all in on this together.

Now, keep calm, son.

Keep calm.

We've been investigated before,

and we'll be investigated again.

Yeah, but we've never had

Oliver P. Loganberry before.

They don't call him the watchdog

of the senate for nothin'.

Senator Loganberry.

Where does he

hail from?

[Young Man]

Some New England state.

I thought so. Nothin' but

a doggone Yankee carpetbagger.

He'll give us

a fair trial.

If we get a

fair trial, they'll hang us.

But think

of the college.

If it ever comes out

that the head of the

English department...

signs his name

with an "X"...

Well, let's drink up.

They tell me the liquor

at Leavenworth...

ain't fit for man

nor beast.

[Door Opening]

Well, Captain Whitfield,

I'm glad you're here.

I always feel a lot safer

with the police force around.

Well, boys,

we're in for it.

We're in for it?

Now wait a minute, fellas.

Don't pin it on me.

But after all,

they expect it

from you, Captain.

What? Whose idea was it...

to make the football team

share their salaries with us?

Gentlemen, gentlemen,

don't let's fight

among ourselves.

A house divided

must fall.

If it's gotta fall,

let it fall on Jim Taylor.

Taylor?

But he doesn't know

what's going on.

That's the point.

Being innocent,

he won't seem guilty...

when they get him

on the stand.

That's right.

We made him president

of the Louisiana

Purchasing Company.

We even got him elected

to the state legislature.

And what's he ever done?

Nothing but sit on his seat

at the state capitol,

taking our honest money

and acting like a big shot

while we do the dirty work.

We put him in there

in case a situation

like this came up.

Now let him

earn his keep.

You'd better figure

something out quick.

He'll be here any minute.

It's simple. Jim Taylor

gave us his power

of attorney, didn't he?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Every deal we've made,

we've made in his name.

Hello, Mr. Taylor.

Hello, Sam.

With you home again,

New Orleans looks

more like New Orleans.

What did it look like

without me?

[Both]

New Orleans!

I'll be back

in a few minutes, boys.

Here's the cards.

Play a little rummy.

Cut out the gin this time.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Jim.

Glad you're back.

So am I. Thanks.

Hello.

Hello.

[Laughter]

Whoa,

that's wonderful!

Well, hello, fellas.

What's cooking?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Well, well...

nothing's changed.

You're just the way I left you.

Jim, I have

bad news for you.

Looks like

your trial's

coming up.

My trial?

[Captain]

You know, for all that lumber

you sold the college?

When did I sell

the college lumber?

The day after you left.

Oh, we paid

for it, all right,

but the following month

you sent the college

another bill,

and through some mistake,

the college paid your

company again.

Wait a minute. Why do you

keep calling it my company?

It is your company.

We used your power of attorney

to put it all in your name.

Maybe if I sent back

the second check with

a sweet little note...

they might think

it's an oversight?

We could

explain the second check.

What you've got

to worry about

is the third check.

Yeah... I do?

Uh...

does anybody got a funnel?

How much lumber

did I sell the college?

$25,000 worth.

$25,000 worth?

Say, the Louisiana

Purchasing Company...

wasn't in the lumber

business when I left.

Where did I get all

that wood?

It's a little

complicated.

You remember the lumber

the government gave

the city...

to build

that new high school?

Don't tell me I swiped

the lumber from the government.

You shouldn't have done it.

Why monkey with

the federal government?

Oh. The rough idea is

I swipe the lumber,

then I charge them

for swiping it,

then I sold it every month.

Am I a genius. Hey,

that's crooked, ain't it?

Yeah. Well, I'll never

forget you boys...

for the way

you've trusted me,

but the responsibility

is too great.

You can sell my seat

in the legislature

to the highest bidder.

I'm learning to rumba,

so I'm flying to Havana tonight.

So long, fellas. Ha.

Pardon me, I'd...

Is this him?

[Captain]

Yep, that's him.

Okay, you're pardoned...

with pleasure.

I got his fingerprints.

We ge...

That's about it, Jim.

Do you see what

we mean?

I see. I'm gonna get

a convoy.

All you've got to do

is to get the senator

in a compromising situation.

Compromise him? He doesn't

drink, smoke or play cards.

Every time he lies down,

they muffle a bugle

and play "Taps."

Well, how about women?

Loganberry's 60 years old

and has never kissed a woman.

He's been in "Ripley"

three times.

Get him a girl,

we'll make him think

he's 19 again.

You expect me to do that

with a power of attorney?

If you don't,

you'll regret it...

for the next 20 years

of your life.

Okay, I'll try.

After all, if the government

could fertilize the dust bowl...

I ought to be able to do

something with Loganberry.

Will you join me?

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