Louisiana Purchase Page #9

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I just stopped off

on my way to the capitol.

What was that you

were going through,

your daily dozen?

I was just going over

the speech I'm gonna make

against you fellas.

It's a pip, too.

Wanna hear it?

No, thanks,

I never go to previews.

Oh, just gonna

plead guilty, huh?

No, I think I've got

an ace in the hole.

Well, no matter who wins,

I want to thank you

for what you've done for me.

I guess if it hadn't been

for you, I wouldn't be married.

I take it Madame Bordelaise's

made you very happy.

Ohh...

I don't know whether she's

made me happy, exactly, but...

she is interesting.

I've seen more gadgets

that I didn't know about.

Gadgets?

Yeah. My wife

wears a, uh...

A...

a contraption that looks

like a straitjacket.

I think they

call it a "griddle."

A griddle?

Yeah.

Oh, you mean a girdle,

don't you?

Girdle, yeah!

How did you know?

You never been married,

have ya?

No, but I read a lot.

And besides, the Louisiana

Purchasing Company...

also manufactures griddle...

I mean girdles.

Maybe you can tell me

how she gets into this thing.

It puzzles me because

there don't seem to be

any opening in it anywhere.

It can't go

over her head.

Oh, no, she'd

strangle to death.

All she does is put her hands

in the girdle like that.

Yeah?

To open it. She couldn't

do it like that.

She'd break her wrist.

Oh, yeah.

Tear 'em right off. So, she

puts her hand in like that.

Then she puts one foot in

and then the other foot in.

Yeah.

And there she is,

in the girdle.

Yeah?

[Chuckling]

She can't walk in it!

She takes the one side

and she pulls it up.

Then she crosses her leg.

That makes it smaller.

Oh, yeah.

Then she pulls

the other side up.

Yeah.

Then she...

[Grunting]

[Laughing]

Now it's on.

Well, this part's up, but

that part's still down there.

Goes up in the back.

Yeah, it's coming.

[Laughing]

And there it is,

all one piece.

Equal distribution.

By golly,

that's very ingenious.

Oh! There are two things on

the sides with snappers on the

end of'em. What are they for?

Oh, those things

are to hold her

stockings up, too.

How can she walk

with that harness on?

It's easy. Just try it.

Follow me.

[Murmuring]

The House will

please come to order.

Next on our agenda...

are certain charges

brought against the

Louisiana Purchasing Company...

and members of

the local government.

Gentlemen, please.

Please.

Charges brought by Senator

Oliver P. Loganberry...

of a northern state.

[Murmuring]

Mr. Speaker...

Mr. Speaker!

[Gavel Pounding]

The chair recognizes

the gentleman from New Orleans.

But, Mr. Speaker,

I raised my hand first.

And besides,

I'm bringing the charges.

Don't worry,

this won't take forever.

What is this?

It's a filibuster, Senator!

[Murmuring]

Hey, Ed,

it's a filibuster. Yeah.

If Taylor holds the floor

for three days,

he's got Loganberry licked.

The senator's due back

in his home state

for a political rally.

You can't do this!

Oh, yes, I can.

I got special permission

from Jimmy Stewart.

Gentlemen, I want to start

this auspicious occasion...

by reading a brief statement

on the glories of the South.

Gone with the Wind...

[Laughter, Gavel Pounding]

By Margaret Mitchell.

"She could get Rhett back,

she knew she could.

"There'd never been a man

she couldn't get once she set

her mind upon him.

"I'll think of it all tomorrow,

at Tara. I can stand it then.

"Tomorrow I'll think

of some way

to get him back.

After all, tomorrow

is another day."

Oh, the glorious South.

[Murmuring]

Mr. Speaker!

Quiet, Yankee!

[All]

Quiet, Yankee!

But I have to get home.

I've got business to attend to.

You better give up.

I'm gonna be talkin' a long

while and I know how to talk.

My father was

a tobacco auctioneer

and my mother was a woman.

You better give up.

Never. Never!

Okay. Let's see

what's in the paper.

Ohhh.

I tell ya, this is a wonderful

country we're living in.

You can always get help.

You can get cooperation

any time you...

Hi, Mr. Taylor.

Oh, hiya.

Thank you.

This'll just give you

a rough idea.

"Friends, do you need money?

We can help you.

"You can have as high as $500.

No security, no endorsers.

"You don't even

have to have a job.

Pay the money back any time.

And when paid back,

we let your mother

out of the dungeon."

Now, I just...

Back in vaudeville.

[Clapping]

Good morning, good morning.

A funny thing happened

on the way to the senate.

There was a lady standing

in the rain, holding her

dress up over her hat.

I said, "Lady, you're

gettin' your legs wet."

She said, "I don't care.

My legs are 50 years old.

The hat's brand new."

"Mother bear cooked

a pot of porridge

and poured it into three bowls,

"a big bowl, a middle-sized bowl

and a small bowl and left it on

the table to cool.

"Then the bears

went out for a walk.

"They had such a good time,

they stayed until...

"the small bear got

quite tired and hungry.

"While they were away, a

little girl called Goldilocks,

because of her golden hair,

"passed by the bears' house

and knocked on the door.

"There was no answer,

but Goldilocks saw an open

window and climbed through it.

"The first thing she found

was a table with three

bowls of porridge.

[Amplified]

"The porridge smelled so good,

it made her hungry.

"She tasted the porridge

in the big bear's bowl.

It was too hot.

"She tasted the porridge

in the big bear's bowl.

It was too hot.

"But the wee, small bear's

porridge was just right,

so she ate it all up.

"She tried the middle-sized

bear's chair.

That was too high.

"Then she tried the wee,

small bear's chair,

"and it broke

all to pieces.

"Goldilocks went

into the bears' bedroom.

"The big bear's bed

was much too big,

"and the middle-sized bear's bed

seemed a little hard.

"But the wee, small bear's bed

was so comfortable,

"Goldilocks went

right to sleep.

It was just about then

that the three bear..."

[Clears Throat]

Huh. Can you imagine?

Another drink.

And with the chalk in hand,

the vagabond finished

the sketch...

of a face that well might

buy the soul of any man.

And as he placed another lock

upon that shapely head,

with a fearful shriek,

he leaped and fell across

the picture, dead!

[Shouting]

[Murmuring]

Only acting, Senator. I hope.

[All]

Ohhh!

Ah. Beautiful hair.

Dandruff.

"Invention number 9,412

is a snood for a chicken.

"You slip the snood over

the back end of the chicken...

and when she lays an egg,

she brings it to ya."

Let's forget inventions

and take up cooking.

Jim Taylor's epic struggle

has been going on now

for three days...

and this remarkable man

shows some signs of weakening.

Water! Water!

Water, water, everywhere

and not a drop to drink!

That's all, folks!

[Murmuring]

[Indistinct Talking, Shouting]

Jimmy!

Jim!

[Indistinct Talking Continues]

Are you still

acting, Jim?

[Man]

Rub his hands!

Rub his hands!

Mr. Speaker!

Gentlemen!

I have absolute proof

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