Love, Simon

---

1

(indistinct conversations)

(The "Oogum Boogum"

song playing)

SIMON:
I'm just like you.

For the most part,

my life is totally normal.

- Happy birthday.

- No!

SIMON:
My dad was the annoyingly

handsome quarterback

who married

the hot valedictorian.

And, no, they didn't peak

in high school.

- (car door closes)

- (horn honks)

I have a sister

I actually like.

Not that I'd ever

tell her that.

And last year,

and 200 episodes

of Chopped ago...

she decided

she wanted to be a chef.

Which means we're pretty much

all her test subjects now.

Cute mini skirt

With your brother's

sloppy shirt

I admit it girl,

That I can dig it

EMILY:
Is it spicy, Jack?

- (spits)

- Oh! Gracious. Oh, my gosh.

SIMON:
And then

there's my friends.

Two of them, I've known

since pretty much

the beginning of time.

- Or at least kindergarten.

- No. No.

- LEAH:
Oh! Sorry!

- Okay. How 'bout that?

(crowd cheering)

One of them,

I just met a few months ago,

but it feels

like I've known her forever.

We do everything friends do.

We drink way too much

iced coffee,

watch bad '90s movies

and hang out at Waffle House

dreaming of college

and gorging on carbs.

(cheering continues)

You got me doin' funny things

Like a clown

Just look at me

When you wear

Your bell-bottom pants...

SIMON:
So, like I said.

I'm just like you.

I have a totally,

perfectly normal life.

Except I have

one huge-ass secret.

Now go on

With your bad self

Ooh, ooh, now mercy,

Mercy on me

- (knocking on door)

- Hey! Morning! Oh!

- Hey!

- Sorry.

I didn't realize

you were masturbating.

Yeah, very funny.

Your sister's downstairs

making some

la-di-da pancake thing

she saw on Top Chef,

so we should

probably go eat that.

Great. I'll be down

in just a second.

Okay. Right after you finish

searching the internet for...

lingerie photos of Gigi Habib?

(scoffs)

It's Hadid.

Right. I didn't realize

she was your girlfriend.

All right, finish up here.

You got me.

(indistinct chatter)

- Morning, guys.

- Simon, have a seat, honey.

- Morning, Simon.

- You gotta eat your breakfast.

Please don't tell me

that breakfast is the most

important meal of the day

because that is just so clich.

You're better than that.

I was gonna say breakfast

lowers LDL cholesterol

and prevents

fluctuating glucose levels

- that lead to type two diabetes.

- Oh!

Touch.

Nora. These are incredible.

Cornmeal pancakes

with blackberry compote.

But they're not crumbly enough.

Stop it. They're perfect.

(Nora sighs)

Eat up, Bieber.

- See you, guys.

- JACK:
See you, Simon.

EMILY:
Hey, honey. Be back

by seven! It's TV night.

(leaf blower whirs)

Hey!

Morning!

It's Simon! I live right here!

I like your boots!

Okay, bye!

- (sighs)

- (horn honks)

God damn.

("Rollercoaster" playing)

It was summer

When I saw your face

Looked like a teenage

Runaway...

- Yo!

- Yo!

Had the craziest dream

last night.

Hey, Nick, you have the

craziest dream every night.

NICK:
You don't understand.

I'm in this cave, right?

Or maybe it's in outer space.

David Beckham is there

with these two contact lenses

and then like, blue one or

red one, like he's a sexy

Morpheus from Matrix.

And I don't know

which one to pick.

I don't know what to do

with these things.

Oh, my God. Have you guys seen

Creek Secrets today?

First of all, you are obsessed

with that blog, so...

LEAH:
Okay, but apparently,

Becca Peterson

got caught giving

Ryan O'Donovan,

an HJ in the pool.

That's the real reason

they drained it.

Man, our janitor needs a raise.

LEAH:
Oh, my God.

- And an HPV vaccine.

- (Nick laughs)

NICK:
Leah, I have this dream,

right?

LEAH:
Nick, we have a rule,

remember?

No analyzing dreams

before coffee.

(indistinct chatter)

Hi, could we get

four iced coffees, please?

Oh, could you get Abby's

with milk? She likes milk.

- One with milk.

- What are you, her barista?

(chuckles) It's not hard

to remember "with milk."

SIMON:
Thank you.

Hey I'm never the same

It's a hundred miles an hour

On a dirt road running away

ABBY:
Hey!

- Hey.

- Hey.

(gasps) Oh, thank you.

I am figuratively dying.

So, Abby, last night I dreamt

I put the wrong contacts

in my eyes.

- Another dream. You're like...

- SIMON:
Hmm.

You're like the love child of

Sigmund Freud

and Cristiano Ronaldo.

- Oh, my God.

- Thanks.

Now, look. I can't see anything

and I'm stumbling around

in this cave,

crashing into stuff,

and then, I wake up.

- That's it?

- NICK:
Yeah.

Maybe it's something that

you're not seeing clearly.

Like something that's, like,

right in front of your face.

What am I not seeing?

(exhales)

No idea.

("Love me" playing)

Ooh! Ooh!

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, would you like to

Look outside sometimes?

No

I'm just

With my friends online

And there's things

We'd like to change...

We should be hot Pokmon

for Halloween.

Oh, yeah.

But I get to be

slutty Charmander.

Cool scarf, Ethan.

Hope it doesn't get caught

in your vagina.

Great choice on

the cargo pants, by the way.

It looks like you got

gangbanged by a T.J. Maxx.

Whatever, fag.

(laughs)

ETHAN:
Honestly, it's just

not even a challenge anymore.

LEAH:
D*cks.

Wish Ethan wouldn't make it

so easy for them.

Yeah, well, at my old school,

that would have been settled

with a knife fight.

- (bell rings)

- Good morning, Creekwood High!

Come on, phones off!

There's a whole world

to look at!

You can look people

in the eyes!

(groans)

Gah! Yeah.

Stop with the selfies.

You're not all that.

- I'll see you guys at lunch.

- Yeah.

Wow! Simonay.

Look at those new kicks,

my brother.

Where'd you get those? Where

could I get a pair of those?

- I forget. Sorry.

- You forget?

Come on, you gotta let me

know the brand!

I want to be sneaker brothers.

Oh, I see more phones!

Who took your phones now?

Me! Me! Me took your phones now!

You can get 'em at my office!

I can't believe we have to be

off book, in like, two weeks.

Seriously, Sally Bowles

never shuts the eff up.

SIMON:
Don't you wish

you were talentless like me?

Here. Let me show you

a thing or two.

SIMON:
Because then you could

just be living the easy life

as company member

number eight.

(Abby laughs)

Well, well, well...

If it isn't my fellow thespians.

Hey, Martin.

Hey, Spier. Hey, Abby.

Hi.

Excited to rehearse

with you later.

Hey, uh, so, fun fact.

You know that Cabaret

was actually based off a play

called I Am Camera?

Then I Am a Camera

was based off

this novel called

Goodbye to Berlin.

And Goodbye to Berlin

was actually based off

Christopher Isherwood's

- early years in Berlin.

- (bell rings)

Wow. That's awesome.

I have homeroom.

Yeah. All right.

Well, I think she

found that interesting.

Bye, Martin.

Bye, big boy.

(chuckles)

Suraj! Now.

Come on. You know the drill.

EMILY:
I've had an inspiration.

How about The Affair?

No. No. We cannot watch

The Affair as a family.

- Why not?

- Because it's all about sex.

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