Love, Simon Page #2

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Oh, well, God forbid we should

watch people make love.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

You guys are so repressed.

Don't therapize us, okay?

We are not your patients.

- We're your family.

- EMILY:
That's true.

If you were my patients, you'd

be much more well-adjusted.

- Oh. Nice therapy burn, baby.

- Thank you.

- She got you.

- You know what?

We didn't see last week's

episode of The Bachelor.

Yeah, how did that guy

even become the bachelor?

Why?

Well, he's clearly gay.

- NORA:
No, he's not.

- Really?

- He's handsome.

- That date,

where he took the girl to

the "make your

own perfume" place?

Dad! The producers

plan those dates.

He is so fruity.

He's so fruity.

He's a one-man pride parade.

Are you kidding me?

- He has more chemistry

- Just stop it.

with Chris Harrison,

than any of those girls.

(whispers) After this, I gotta

show you something.

Okay?

Let's watch The Americans.

EMILY:
Every single episode,

you here next to me.

So your mother decided

that we should make

each other anniversary

presents this year.

You know, so they came

from the heart, or some crap.

Anyway, I decided to come up

with this bad boy.

Look at this.

I present to you,

a Jack Spier production.

- (mouse clicks)

- ("Heaven" playing)

I don't need to be the king

Of the world

Wait, wait.

Look at that!

Oh, it's so good.

As long as I'm the hero

Of this little girl

Look at this.

Wait, wait, wait.

Heaven isn't too far away

SIMON:
Yup. Okay.

(stops video)

What are you...

Look, this is your

20th anniversary,

so I'm gonna be super real

with you right now.

This looks

like a fourth grader made it.

And not even the smartest

fourth grader in the class.

Just, like,

a deeply average fourth grader.

What are you talking about?

This is amazing.

I got fade-ins.

I got dissolves.

- This is beautiful.

- Get up for a second.

I'll help you. Trust me.

We can make this good.

We just gotta put in...

you know, some home video.

Maybe put in some better music.

"Better music"? This was huge

when we were young.

Yeah. So was Bill Cosby.

("Waterloo Sunset" playing)

(cell phone ringing)

Hey.

Have you seen the new post?

No. What? Oh, my God.

You know, I'm never getting

back in that pool again.

Wait, no. About the closeted

gay kid at school.

What?

LEAH:

Yeah, it's on Creek Secrets.

People so busy

Makes me feel dizzy

Taxi light shines

So bright...

- Who do you think it is?

- (exhales)

I bet it's that sophomore

with the rimless glasses.

I get a vibe.

- Actually.

- Hmm.

Maybe it's Parker O'Malley.

I've heard he's, like,

obsessed with Les Mis.

Oh, gosh. Jeez. I gotta go.

Bieber just took a dump

on the floor.

LEAH:
Aw, Beebs.

- Feed him some rice...

- Can I call you back?

SIMON:
"Sometimes, I feel like

I'm stuck on a Ferris wheel.

One minute I'm on

top of the world,

and the next,

I'm at rock bottom.

Over and over, all day long.

Because a lot of my life

is great,

but nobody knows I'm gay.

Blue."

(exhales)

As long as I gaze

on Waterloo sunset

I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world

From my window

But chilly, chilly

Is the evening time

Waterloo sunset's fine

Waterloo sunset's fine

Terry meets Julie

Waterloo Station

Every Friday night

(clears throat)

But I am so lazy

Don't want to wander...

Blue. Okay.

(exhales)

But I don't feel afraid

SIMON:
Dear Blue,

I'm just like you.

For the most part,

my life is totally normal.

My dad was the annoyingly

handsome quarterback

who married

the hot valedictorian.

And no, they didn't peak

in high school.

I have a sister

I actually like.

Not that I'd

ever tell her that.

And then, there's my friends.

We do everything friends do.

We drink way too much...

So, like I said,

I'm just like you.

I have a totally,

perfectly normal life.

Except I have one

huge-ass secret.

As long as they gaze on

Waterloo sunset

They are in paradise

Jacques.

Waterloo sunset's fine

Waterloo sunset's fine

(panting)

Hey. Morning.

(cell phone chimes)

(sighs)

Nothin'.

TEACHER:
Math is what

we're talking about.

Can anyone answer for me

how we find the value

of "d-y by d-x" that I have

written up on the board?

Does anyone want to...

Yes! Simon.

Can I go to the bathroom?

Sure, it's fine.

Thanks.

(sighs)

Simon. Simon.

- Yeah.

- Can I get some fries?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

GARRETT:
I'm telling you,

the Oakwood Tigers

score so many goals

because they shave their legs.

Garrett, I'm not gonna

shave my legs.

It makes their kicks

more aerodynamic.

We can just do

extra burpees, man.

Whatever, Bram.

Guys, I just found

a press-on nail in my salad.

BOTH:
Debbie.

(indistinct chatter)

Why is there no cell reception

at this school?

I swear to God.

- Simonay, Simonay.

- Hey.

What are you doing?

You can't text in the halls.

How many times

have I told you that?

I can't have all my students

Tindering it up.

That's my department.

- Right.

- (laughing)

It actually is.

I got a really hot date

on Tinder tonight.

She is cute!

"Ew! Vice principals can't go

on dates. That's gross."

We're people too, Simon.

We like to go out.

We like to have a good time.

We like to have sex.

That's not a big deal, right?

Yeah, no. No biggie at all.

Actually. You know,

I totally see you as a person.

- Thank you. I appreciate that.

- Yeah.

- Thank you very much.

- You're welcome.

- Seriously.

- Yeah. Yeah.

Could I just get

my phone though?

No. Unfortunately, I'm gonna

have to keep it

until after play practice.

But you will get your precious

after play practice, okay?

I promise.

So how's play practice going?

- SIMON:
Great. Yeah, it's...

- MR. WORTH:
How's Ms. Albright?

SIMON:
She's good.

MR. WORTH:
She's good?

She doesn't like men.

Willkommen, bienvenue

Welcome im cabaret

(laughs)

Au cabaret, to cabaret

[claps]

Okay.

Those aren't actual claps.

My hands are tired! (chuckles)

Okay! All right.

That was...

Cal, help me. That was...

That was a start?

That was a start!

Is what it was.

That was a start.

You know, when Mr. Worth

told me that no student,

regardless of talent...

(chuckles)

...was to be left out of

my production, I had my doubts.

Yes, I did.

(chuckles)

Yeah.

That's it.

That's my whole speech.

TAYLOR:
Ms. Albright.

Hi. That was

the biggest train wreck

our stage has ever seen.

And Rob and Brianne

were practically dry

humping the whole song.

MS. ALBRIGHT:
Oh, I saw.

Save the kissing

for the cast party. All right?

This is war. You're Nazis.

Okay? More anger.

Suraj, stop pretending

that trumpet is your penis!

- My boy.

- (all laughing)

It is a rental.

I was an extra

in The Lion King,

and this is where I am.

Hey. What time is it?

Ten minutes since the last time

you asked. Go.

One! Two! Three! Four!

ABBY:
Welcome...

MS. ALBRIGHT:
I will kill you.

Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yo!

- Mr. Worth.

- Hey, what's up, my brother?

Hey, just here for my phone.

Oh, of course you are.

Of course you are.

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