Love, Wedding, Marriage Page #7

- Well, mostly I just liked

the fact she drove a Porsche.

- And I realized

what I liked about Lloyd

was that he wasn't rich.

I knew that if I married him,

it would really piss off

my father.

- Excuse me?

- Once we were finally honest

with each other,

it was like this huge relief.

So we've decided

to get a divorce.

- And we just wanted to come

here in person to thank you.

- To thank me for what?

- If it wasn't for you,

we could be stuck

in a lousy marriage for years

without knowing any better.

- Please, don't mention it.

- Oh, I just got four winks

on Match. Com.

- I already got a date.

- I need the guest list

for the party.

I have to cancel it before

I meet Charlie for dinner.

- You've seen the light.

I am taking Mom speed dating

tonight,

show her what the single life

is really like.

- Genius.

- I have my moments.

- Hey.

- Hi, John.

- Do you guys

have an appointment?

- No, things didn't really

work out with Amy and me.

- Oh.

So you're here to talk about it?

- No, actually,

I was wondering

if Shelby was available

for dinner this evening.

- Mm. No.

I saw your test scores.

- Cares more about your marriage

than you do.

That's why you got to talk

to your woman

and find out

what's the trouble.

- Amen, brother.

Amen.

[Door clicks open]

- Rough day?

- Rough week.

- Why'd you have an affair, Dad?

- You know,

that was a long time ago.

I never would have done it

if I thought your mother and I

were gonna be reconciled.

But...

I'm miserable, Ava.

I can't sleep.

I can't eat.

I just want her back.

- Don't worry, Dad.

We'll get her back.

You and me together,

we'll do whatever it takes.

Why don't you go

get an early night?

- I just haven't been able

to sleep since she left.

My mind keeps me awake,

keeps racing.

- Charlie has sleeping pills.

- You think that's safe?

- Of course.

I'll go grab them.

- Well, how many do I take?

- Two, and you'll sleep

like a baby.

No!

I said two, Dad.

- From what I remember

about babies,

they wake up a lot.

Good night, pumpkin.

[Mischievous music]

[indistinct chatter]

- I'm not sure about this

speed dating thing, Shelby.

- Oh, you'll love it.

You can squeeze in 50 bad dates

and only sacrifice one night.

- Oh!

[Laughs]

Well, welcome, all.

Now, you'll have five minutes

to speak with your date.

When I hit that buzzer,

the man must move on

to the next woman.

Under 35s to my right.

Over 35s to my left.

Ladies, please,

take your seats.

[Laughs]

- Come on, Mom.

Let's go.

[Line rings]

[Phone ringing]

[toilet flushes]

[Phone chimes]

- [snoring]

- [sighs]

[Touch-tones beeping]

[Line rings]

- 911.

Is this an emergency?

- Hi, I think my dad

overdosed on sleeping pills,

and I need an ambulance

right away.

- A marriage is forever.

Fidelity is essential.

A shame my ex-wife

didn't agree.

Yeah, she left me.

- Oh.

- At least she thinks she did.

[Laughing]

[Buzzer buzzes]

- Men, y'all better move.

- I think you're in

the wrong section.

The under 35s are over there.

- A cougar's calling.

Rawr!

[Buzzer buzzes]

- Child, didn't you hear

that buzzer?

Time to switch.

Get over here.

- I really like squirrels.

You like squirrels?

- I think I heard the buzzer.

- I'm so nervous.

I hate these things.

- Hmm.

- Ava!

Ava!

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Bradley.

What happened?

- How many sleeping pills

did he take?

- Uh, I don't know,

but the bottle was empty

when I found it.

- My bottle of sleeping pills?

That was practically full.

- One of you can ride with us.

- I'll follow in my car, okay?

- Okay.

[Phone ringing]

- So do you want to go home

and slit our wrists now

or get drunk first?

- Hi, Ava.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, we're coming.

We're coming.

- I never should have left

my pills out.

I just didn't see this coming.

Did you?

- Me?

No.

- Where is he?

Where is he?

Is he all right?

- It's okay.

Doctors are in with him

right now.

- It's all my fault.

I'm a horrible wife.

- I can't believe he actually

tried to kill himself.

- Shelby.

Not now.

- He's recovering nicely.

- Oh, thank God for that.

Can I see him?

- Of course. Go in.

Nurse, show her in, please.

I have to tell you, though,

we did find

some very small traces

of the drug in his system.

In my opinion, this was not

a suicide attempt.

- Oh, that's a huge relief,

Doctor.

Thank you so much for your help.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

We'll keep him here overnight

just to make sure,

but he should be fine to leave

in the morning.

- Okay.

- All right.

- It's just so strange.

You said the bottle

was empty, right?

- Yeah, I think.

- Either it was empty

or not.

- Mm.

It's not that simple.

- What's not that simple?

It was empty, or why else

would you call 911?

- As a precaution.

- Ava, what are you

talking about?

- I've always wanted to try

the food here.

I hear their Jell-O

is fabulous.

- I may have

slightly exaggerated

the number of pills

that he took.

- Exaggerated?

- I'm gonna go find

the cafeteria

and that hot doctor.

- Oh, you're not

gonna like this.

Um...

I knew my dad didn't take

the whole bottle,

but he was having

a lot of trouble sleeping,

so he took three

to help him fall asleep.

- And the rest of them?

- I flushed them

down the toilet.

- You did what?

- I know.

I'm not proud.

- Jesus, Ava.

What the hell is wrong with you?

- I was desperate, okay?

My dad has been just devastated

since the separation,

and I needed to do something

to bring them together.

- You promised me

you were done interfering.

What you did was illegal.

If anyone found out,

you could lose your license.

You could even go to prison.

- Charlie, you're making it

sound way worse than it is.

- No, Ava,

I'm telling you how it is.

- Their 30th anniversary

is coming up...

- I can't believe this.

- Why are you walking away

from me?

- How dare you think you can

just manipulate people

to get your way?

- I'm sorry, but I did it

for my parents.

- No, you didn't do it

for them.

You did it for yourself.

- I was only trying

to help.

Charlie, where are you going?

- I can't believe

this is who you are!

[Somber piano music]

- I'm dead, aren't I?

- No.

Very much alive.

- Are you sure?

Because for me,

heaven is where you are, Betty.

I love you so much.

And I'll do

whatever you want me to do.

I'll get on a plane

to Thailand.

I'll pick up a tapeworm

in India.

I'll even come clean

with the girls about Ian.

But I want you to be happy,

Betty,

and I want to be part

of that happiness.

- When I got that phone call

tonight,

I realized that you're not

a part of that happiness.

- Oh.

- You are

that happiness to me.

Mm.

- Mm.

- [Laughs]

- [Snorts]

[Laughter]

- Mom's gonna spend

the night.

You need a ride?

If it's any consolation,

I thought it was

an inspired idea.

- Thanks.

I'll remember that when I get

the divorce papers.

- No, I'm serious.

That took major balls.

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