Love, Wedding, Marriage Page #6

A night out with the boys.

- Yeah.

I got to tell you,

you got to leave the old ball

and chain at home sometimes.

Although I can't complain.

I love being married.

I have never had this much sex

in my life.

No, forget trolling bars

to get laid.

Get married.

Hello.

- You don't have sex

all the time.

- Oh, yeah.

Whenever I want.

Every which way.

- I miss my wife.

- Aw.

- Look, Bradley, I'm sure

you guys will work it out,

and if you don't...

- Yeah, be a man.

Bradley, there are plenty

of other chicks in the sea.

Eastern Europe is teeming

with beautiful young women

just dying to marry

a rich American.

- Let's not get ahead

of ourselves here, Gerber.

- 60 is the new 30.

I saw you over

at the karaoke machine,

ripping it up,

going to work.

[Tarzan yell]

Dude, Slavic hotties will be

all over your Johnson.

Yeah, they will be lining up

for a man with your experience.

- You think?

- Absolutely.

- Bet you find

a nice Jewish girl.

Uh-oh.

- Wouldn't Betty just love that?

- Oh, I know the perfect place

to celebrate your

newly anointed single status.

- Where?

- Got any dollar bills on you?

- Ah!

Let's have shots for everybody.

- We are gonna put

some b*obs on your face.

Okay?

- Okay, just this one time.

Yes.

- Booby in your eye.

- I know the separation's

hard on you, Ava,

so I really appreciate

your show of support.

I should be netting the web

in no time at all.

- I just figured if you're gonna

be gone for six months,

you need to be

internet and email savvy.

Now we can keep in touch.

- Well, I must admit,

I am a little nervous.

- You are?

- Well, it's been a long time

since I did anything

this exciting or brave.

I can't remember

the last time I did anything

without your father.

- Or you could do this with him.

- Dad travel?

He has a hard time

going to the mailbox.

- [Laughs]

I just know he's devastated

without you.

[Bluesy rock music playing]

- [Slurping]

- Chase it!

- Yeah!

- Oh!

Who's next?

- Oh, my God!

- Here's Bradley!

- Aren't you just a little sad

that your marriage is over?

- Well, of course I am, Ava,

but your father's incapable

of change or even compromise.

And I refuse to be unfulfilled

any longer.

- Why didn't you say anything

before?

- I suppose I was

too busy worrying

about everyone else's needs

to think about my own.

[Indistinct chatter]

Doesn't that sound like...

[loud thud]

What?

- I'm all right.

I'm okay.

No problem.

Oh, you know, Charlie,

you're my bestest,

favoritest son-in-law ever.

- Really?

'Cause you're, like,

my very favorite

most father-in-law ever.

- Oh, come on,

give me a hug.

- Bradley Gold.

- Did you hear that?

That sounded like my wife,

except I don't have one anymore.

[Laughter]

- Exactly what did you have

to drink tonight?

- I don't know, but I'm sure

wasn't Manischewitz.

[Laughter]

- You should be ashamed

of yourself.

- What?

- What the hell

is wrong with you?

- How was I supposed to know

your mom would be here?

- I told you I was gonna try

to get the two of them together.

This is your idea of helping?

- You told me to cheer him up.

Trust me,

tonight he was so happy.

- Please tell me you did not

take my father Hot Chicks Live.

- We didn't go

to Hot Chicks Live.

Gerber's way too cheap

for Hot Chicks Live.

- Gerber was with you?

I hope you took a cab.

- I guess chauffer duties were

in their marriage arrangements,

'cause Gerber's wife

drove us home.

And she's great,

and they're having sex...

great Polish sex,

whatever that means...

whenever he wants.

- Show up at your daughter's

house this time of night,

drunk as a skunk.

I mean, what do you have

to say for yourself?

- [Burps]

- [Snickers]

- Thank you, Bradley,

for validating a very difficult

life-altering decision

I've just made.

I now know

absolutely for certain

that leaving you is the smartest

thing I've ever done.

- Mom, you don't mean that.

- Yeah.

- Do you know that I dis...

I discovered tonight

at this strip club?

- No, please enlighten me.

- I thought you said you didn't

take him to a strip club.

- No, I said I didn't take him

to Hot Chicks Live.

- I learned that there are women

in this world who want me.

- Oh, they don't want you,

you idiot.

They want your dollar bills.

- You know,

there's a nation in Europe

that has a lot

of pretty Russian Jews

who want to have sex with me.

- And time for bed.

- Too bad that you don't have

the balls

to fly out there and meet them.

- Well, then I'll just have

to ship them in.

- [Screams]

- Mazel tov.

- Oh!

I squished my fish.

Oh, no.

- Dude, did you say you were

gonna ship your balls?

- Poor Malcolm.

- This is what I'll be missing?

- Mom, please.

- Hey, Bradley, when I'm

cavorting naked on a Fiji beach

with my Polynesian Adonis,

I shall try to remember

to send you a postcard.

[Door slams]

- Oh...

I think that went well.

- I...

- "I" what?

- I love you.

- Do you realize

that what you did tonight

brought my parents

closer than ever to divorce?

- What I did?

I was just trying

to cheer him up.

I was helping you.

But if you hadn't tried

to interfere tonight,

none of this would have happened

in the first place.

- Charlie, my parents

are getting divorced.

I have real problems.

- You know, maybe we should stop

focusing on your parents...

Nice shelves.

And start focusing on us.

- Uh, what's that supposed

to mean?

- Well, for one thing,

it's been a little difficult

to have sex

with your dad staying here.

- Oh, I'm surprised you noticed.

You've been so busy

texting with Adrianna.

Work must be crazy.

- You're the one

who's too distracted

with everyone else's problems

to even have sex

with your own husband.

- [Sighs]

It's not been that long

since we've had sex,

and I've been busy.

- Well, you're not

doing anything right now.

- Ugh, Charlie,

if you think I'm gonna

sleep with you right now,

you're even more drunk

than I thought.

Oh!

Is it really too much to ask

to replace

the toilet paper roll?

Is it really that difficult?

What is it?

A genetic predisposition

to measure your shits

against the amount

of toilet paper left?

Oh!

And just so you know,

I did not fall in love with you

again today.

[Tranquil instrumental music]

- Morning, beautiful.

I made your favorite.

Black coffee,

two sugars.

Wheat toast with mayo.

Truce?

- Truce.

I have to cancel

the surprise party.

- You can't save

every marriage, Ava.

- I feel like such a failure.

- Promise me

you're done intervening.

- I have no other choice.

- Promise?

Meet me tonight for dinner?

- Mm-hmm.

I can tell that some

positive changes

have taken place

since our last session.

What's going on?

- When we left here, I began

to make that list you suggested.

I dug really deep,

and I realized the main reason

I was attracted to Courtney

was because her family was rich.

- Perhaps you were looking

to Courtney

to provide emotional security.

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