Love and Death Page #6

or extras. Nothing like that.

And me, what am l? He's a great man.

He thinks like the superman

and I'm just a worm,

an insect, some kind of crawling,

disgusting, creeping little vermin.

- You know, you can stop me.

- I will when I disagree.

Sonja. Who are we to kill somebody?

Boris, for the first time in my life

I feel free. Weightless.

I have an exhilarating feeling

of human freedom.

It's called the guillotine.

Oh, look, Boris.

The soft golden dusk is

already transmogrifying itself

into the blue star-sprinkled night.

Careful, cos that gun may be loaded.

Several days later

we set out forMoscow.

We took Berdykov with us partway.

He was on his way to Minsk.

There was a village idiots' convention in

Minsk. Berdykov was planning to attend.

Village idiots from all overRussia

were meeting there.

We drove through

small villages and tiny hamlets.

We had no greatplan, but when we

stopped at an inn, fate provided one.

Pardon me. Could you tell me

who those people are behind that screen?

That's Don Francisco of Spain

and his sister.

They're en route to meet Napoleon.

- Don Francisco, I presume.

- Do you know me, seor?

Oh, let's just say

your name is legend in these parts.

- It is?

- Well, perhaps not legend,

but it never fails to get a big laugh.

And you must be the Don's sister,

the noted Spanish countess and mieskeit.

Who are you?

Just a humble servant

who wishes to buy His Excellency a drink.

I would be honoured.

Waiter, a bottle of your best red wine,

please, and two straws.

Two straws.

Word has it

the Don is en route to visit Napoleon.

Word travels fast.

Not as fast as good news.

No news is good news.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make him drink.

- Your turn.

- We would invite you to join us,

but the difference in social rank and

wealth, it makes it silly.

Oh, yes, I threw this on.

It's a knockdown.

You guys know Napoleon, or what?

Hardly.

A joke, Your Nothingness?

We're friends with his brother,

who arranges the affairs of Spain,

but this is our first meeting

with the great emperor.

It's all I wanted to know.

- Don Francisco?

- Pardon me?

I'm having trouble adjusting my belt.

You think you could come over here

and hold my bosom for awhile?

Of course, seorita.

No, no, no, it's not what I had in mind.

It should have more cream

between the crust and no raisins.

- But at our last meeting you said raisins.

- No!

If this pastry is to bear my name,

it must be richer! More cream.

- Yes, but is there time?

- Very little.

My spies tell me

that my illustrious British enemy

is working on a new meat recipe

which he plans to call Beef Wellington.

It will never get off the ground.

We must develop the Napoleon

before he develops Beef Wellington.

The future of Europe

hangs in the balance.

Yes, Your Highness.

We must see you, Your Highness.

We believe there is a plot

to take your life.

Vraiment?

So we've made up an obscure private

from the ranks to look like you. Look.

How do you do, Your Highness?

- He looks like me?

- You're seeing him without his rug.

- Come.

- Just let me get this on, Your Highness.

And now I take your place.

I will teach you to walk like me.

I have a great walk.

With the emperor out of the way,

all that remains is to kill Don Francisco.

That will destroy His Highness'

stupid dreams of a treaty with Spain.

Then I'll sail to Austria,

and form an alliance with the crown.

Not the king, just the crown.

They call me mad,

but one day,

when the history of France is written,

they will mark my name well.

Sidney Applebaum.

We're here to see the emperor.

Who is calling?

- Who? Oh, that's droll!

- Droll, yes.

He's not familiar with the list of

the hundred most important Spanishers.

Yes.

It is only Don Francisco and his sister.

Yes, the Donessa.

We have an appointment with Napoleon.

Napoleon Bonaparte.

The noted international tyrant.

- You are Don Francisco and his sister?

- Oh, for sure.

- We have had a long... a hot journey.

- A hot journey.

- Our throats are parched.

- They're parched.

- We seek succour. Succour.

- Succour!

Yes. Is Succour here by any chance?

I never knew your name, madam.

The boys usually just call me Juanita.

The emperor appreciates

magnificent women.

- He'll be much taken with you.

- Oh, good! I wore my flats.

We are, of course, all most anxious

to hear your proposal for a treaty.

Good. I've given it a lot of thought

and I've come up with all the little details.

If I can just think of the main points,

we got something!

Let's leave business,

you've had a wearing journey.

- We should say hello to the emperor.

- Shorts gets touchy if we bypass him.

Later. First, you'll be wined and dined

in a manner befitting Spanish nobility.

Oh, wonderful! But go easy on

the champagne. The Donessa has gout.

Well, if you'll proceed,

your needs will be attended to.

Thank you.

While you're here with your sister,

should you desire a French love dream

to be sent to your room,

it will be arranged.

Good. Maybe I'll have two

to keep the symmetry perfect.

- I prefer two myself.

- I prefer three, but it's hard to get one.

Is this room big enough,

or would you prefer a suite?

- Boris, I'm scared.

- You? I'm growing a beak and feathers.

- What are we gonna do?

- I say we get outta here now.

I'm not leaving here

until we shoot Napoleon. Here.

Oh, I see. Thanks. I'm the hit man.

Remember, you can't take any chances.

Now, make sure the barrel of the gun

is pressed against his head or his chest.

And don't pull the trigger, Boris.

Squeeze it.

Where did you go to finishing school?

On a pirate ship?

Let's just make sure

our plans are straight.

OK. You flirt with him,

bring him back here after dinner,

Iull him into a state of satisfaction

and I'll shoot him.

"I'll shoot him."

Can you believe I'm talking like this?

Yes. Spain is quite warm this time of year.

Barcelona is warmer than Madrid,

but, then, the people are so different,

the Barcelonians and the Madridniks.

Are all the ladies in Spain

as beautiful as you are, madam?

Well, not all. You gotta have some beasts.

Oh, General.

Do excuse me, madam.

Take it easy.

You're making a fool of yourself.

- Hey, this is good champagne.

- Are you gonna drink another case?

I'll be fine, all I need is a few solids.

A few solids? You should drink a blotter.

Oh, I believe I had the pleasure

of meeting your sister once.

- My sister? Which one?

- I thought you only had one.

One? Oh, no, no.

Actually, well, I have a half-sister.

Well, no, not exactly half. It's two-fifths.

Ladies and gentlemen,

His lmperial Highness,

the Emperor Napoleon.

- So you are Don Francisco?

- Yes. I have regards from your brother.

Says you went away, you don't write.

He never hears from you.

You took his razor,

you never returned it.

- This is an honour for me.

- It's a greater honour for me.

- No, a greater honour for me.

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