Love and Death Page #8

No, no strangers.

You're a major loon, you know that?

Next year I'll expect

to build a guest house.

Oh, a little tiny guest house

with a handball court

and a little, little swimming pool

for fleas or something?

Yes, well, you'll want to get

some rest in your rubber bedroom now.

- Who are you?

- I am an angel ofGod.

- You're kidding.

- Fearnot, Boris.

You have led ajust life,

and at the last minute,

before the execution,

the emperorplans to pardon you.

Really?

He will make a greatpersonal show

ofhis generosity,

and you will have learned yourlesson,

but you will not be executed.

Then there is a God.

Incredible.

Moses was right.

He that abideth in truth

and will have frankincense and myrrh

smeared on his gums in abundance,

and he shall dwell

in the house of the Lord

for six months with an option to buy.

But the wicked man

shall have all kinds of problems.

His tongue shall cleave

to the roof of his upper palate.

And he shall speak like a woman,

if you watch him closely

And he shall...

The wicked man shall be

delivered into the hands of his enemy,

whether they can

pay the delivery charge or not.

And... Wait, I have more

about the wicked man.

I shall walk through

the valley of the shadow of death...

In fact, now that I think of it,

I shall run through

the valley of the shadow of death,

cos you get out of the valley

quicker that way.

And he that hath clean hands

and a pure heart is OK in my book.

But he that fools around with

barnyard animals has got to be watched.

I thank you.

All right, Grushenko, come on. Let's go.

You guys are late.

I've been waitin' here since 6.30.

- You're awfully cheerful.

- You know how it is

when you're extra brave. Probably not.

Busy day, huh?

Are you guys having a sale?

No blindfold. That's forlosers.

I like to see where the bullet hits.

I learned that during the war.

I was decorated, you know.

Wonder what the emperor's doing today?

- Ready.

- You wanna move closer? Don't miss.

Looks bad on the report.

Aim.

Boy, the emperor's really cutting it close.

What a flair for the dramatic...

that old slyboots.

Fire.

It's a very complicated situation,

cousin Sonja.

I'm in love with Alexei. He loves Alicia.

Alicia's having an affair with Lev.

Lev loves Tatiana.

Tatiana loves Simkin.

Simkin loves me.

I love Simkin,

but in a different way than Alexei.

Alexei loves Tatiana like a sister.

Tatiana's sister loves Trigorian

like a brother.

Trigorian's brother

is having an affair with my sister,

who he likes physically,

but not spiritually.

Natasha, it's getting a little late.

The firm of Mishkin and Mishkin

is sleeping with

the firm of Taskov and Taskov.

Natasha, to love is to suffer.

To avoid suffering, one must not love.

But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore, to love is to suffer.

Not to love is to suffer.

To suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love.

To be happy, then, is to suffer,

but suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love,

or love to suffer,

or suffer from too much happiness...

I hope you're getting this down.

I never want to marry.

I just want to get divorced.

Oh, look. It's Boris.

Boris, what happened?

- I got screwed.

- How?

I don't know. Some vision said I was

going to get pardoned, and they shot me.

You were my one great love.

Thank you very much. I appreciate that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

- What's it like?

- What's it like?

You know the chicken

at Tresky's restaurant?

- Yeah.

- It's worse.

Worse than the chicken at Tresky's.

Oh, well, life must go on.

The last traces of the shimmering dusk

are setting

behind the quickly darkening evening,

and it's only noon.

Soon we shall be covered by wheat.

Did you say

wheat?

Wheat.

Wheat.

I'm dead, they're talking about wheat.

The question is,

have I learned anything about life?

Only that human beings

are divided into mind and body.

The mind embraces all the nobler

aspirations, like poetry and philosophy,

but the body has all the fun.

The important thing, I think,

is not to be bitter.

You know, if it turns out that there

is a God, I don't think that he's evil.

I think the worst you can say about him

is that basically he's an underachiever.

After all, you know,

there are worse things in life than death.

If you've ever spent an evening

with an insurance salesman,

you know exactly what I mean.

The key here, I think,

is to not think of death as an end,

but think of it more as a very effective

way of cutting down on your expenses.

Regarding love...

You know, what can you say?

It's not the quantity

of your sexual relations that count.

It's the quality.

On the other hand, if the quantity

drops below once every eight months,

I would definitely look into it.

Well, that's about it for me, folks.

Goodbye.

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