Love at First Bite Page #2

His grandfather was a Watusi.

A Watusi. A warrior.

The time is late, the man is tall...

but I got a date, so he must fall.

Let me have the mother.

It's thanksgiving time, turkey.

I ain't with these guys.

These brothers were just standing here.

Now I know my way home,

so you don't have to show me.

It's dudes like you

that give the neighborhood a bad name.

Raid!

Raid, house and garden bug killer.

Indoors or outdoors,

Raid hunts bugs down like radar.

And kills them dead.

- I win!

- You lose.

Master!

Happy to see you, too, master.

You psychotic, bungling moron.

There is a dead schwartz in there.

That's impossible!

Don't tell me impossible.

Look, go on, look for yourself.

Maybe he's just a late sleeper.

I'll have them get rid of it

immediately, master.

- After that, you'll arrange to get my coffin.

- Yes, master.

Meanwhile, I'm resting.

You will go to make discreet enquiries

as to the whereabouts of Miss Cindy.

I bought an American suit...

so I'll look just like everyone else.

I seriously doubt that, Renfield.

Nevertheless.

By the time I arise tomorrow evening...

the sun sets at...

7:
52, master.

By 7:
53, I want to know

where Cindy Sondheim lives.

But not for long. Right, master?

You can go in now.

Didn't I see him on Fantasy Island?

Now, you expect me to introduce my most

successful model to your employer...

this Count something.

- What did you say his last name was?

- Dracula.

- Count Dracula?

- Correct.

- The Count Dracula?

- Yes.

Bob Evans from Paramount sent you,

didn't he?

I mean this is a joke, right? It's a gag.

Crazy Bob, what a lug.

No. I'm not joking.

My master would like very much

to meet Miss Sondheim.

I'm sure he would be willing to give you

a commission if you could arrange it.

How much of a commission?

Well, he might make you a colonel

in the Royal Transylvanian Army.

That is, when the next

free elections will be held.

All right, you freak.

You have 30 seconds to get out

of my office or I call the security guard.

You have 30 seconds to tell me

where Miss Sondheim is or...

Or what?

You will eat your lunch in my office?

No, my lunch will eat you.

What is that? Oh, my God.

Central Park, 9:
00. Christ!

Pose like that. I like that.

You're angry. You're not angry.

You're a happy woman.

Now you're angry.

Smile.

Beautiful. Little to the left.

Pet the dog.

Smile.

Come on, buddy. Step back.

I've come a long way to see her.

You and about 1,000 other schmucks.

Now, step back, buddy.

What the...

Get that dog!

Hold still, Cindy. He's not going to bite.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Stop that. That tickles.

Would you stop it?

You're cute.

- Come on.

- Wait. Hey!

Nobody pees on New York's finest.

Right to the dog pound.

Renfield.

You will do two things in the morning.

You will locate Miss Cindy Sondheim...

and you will go to Dunhill Tailors,

and buy me three new tailcoats.

Yes, master.

Better make that six.

This city is like living in a jungle.

They drove me too far tonight.

Don't worry, master.

I'm sure you'll meet her someday.

It's not that.

It's the $8 I had to pay for

this lousy dog license to get out of there.

I'm going out to get a bite to drink.

If you are hungry, master...

we could ring for the night maid.

The roof, please.

Morty, I love you.

- Morty.

- Yeah, honey.

Honey, how many times

do I have to tell you, if you want to do it...

off with the cufflinks.

Cufflinks?

I'm not wearing any cufflinks.

Well, then what's scratching my neck?

Morty, what is it?

It's my first wife.

I told you the check's in the mail.

You freaking skinny-legged yenta.

That's it.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Why don't you go to work, old man?

We have nothing to eat.

We do now. Look, a chicken!

A black chicken.

Boil the water.

Come back, black chicken!

Give us an egg or something.

Yesterday, dinosaurs...

and then elephants, and now, bats.

Well, why not?

Hi there, little fellow.

Are you all right, master?

No, I'm not all right.

What was that maniac drinking?

Tastes like the Volga river at low tide.

Let me help you out, master.

You'll be all right in a moment.

No, Renfield, I'm finished. I'm through.

I couldn't even scare

a field mouse at 20 meters.

In a city where...

taxicab drivers live in little cages,

who's afraid of a bat anymore?

Here, let me help you.

I'm not even a bat. I'm a black chicken.

I'm a yenta with skinny legs.

Take your hands off me, you myopic dwarf.

Renfield, I am finished.

Over, I'm a has-been. O-V-E-R.

But master, you are Dracula, son of Dracul.

You've been the reigning

Prince of Darkness...

for over 700 glorious years.

700 lonely years, Renfield.

Lonely, master?

But I thought you were happy living...

I mean, dying...

I mean, existing all those years.

I thought you were having fun.

Fun?

How would you like to go around...

dressed like a headwaiter

for the last 700 years.

Just once, I'd like to go to dinner...

dressed in a turtleneck and a sports jacket.

Happy?

How would you like to dine on nothing

but a warm liquid protein diet...

while all around you, people are eating...

lamb chops...

potato chips...

Mallomars.

Chivas Regal on the rocks with a twist.

How would you like

to not have Christmas presents.

Easter egg hunts.

Garlic toast.

No, Renfield...

help me back in the coffin.

I'm not going out tonight...

- or any other night.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

Oh, yes, I am what, you idiot?

Going out tonight, master.

What is that? Another little bug?

This is where she is tonight.

This is where she is every night.

You got this from the head

of the modeling agency, didn't you?

I got this from her secretary, when

I showed up at noon with my lunch pail.

Another snake, Renfield?

No, master.

A scorpion, perhaps?

No, better, master.

What could be better

than a scorpion, Renfield?

Six black widow spiders...

twelve fat earthworms...

two hairy caterpillars...

on rye bread with a slice of onion.

A triple-decker!

Was it something I said, master?

Are you a member?

I'm looking for somebody.

Aren't we all?

I'm telling you, Lisa,

he did a complete dump on her.

Good evening.

- Permit me to...

- No, thank you. I already ordered.

She put him through four years

of medical school...

two years of residency,

and a year of internship...

and now he won't even take her calls.

I tell you, my way's better.

You meet him, dig him...

you ball him once

and then adios, muchacho.

Lisa?

I am not a waiter.

I am an admirer.

Permit me to...

Go ahead. Have a seat.

Don't tell me, let me guess.

Let's see, you are either a magician

or you're into handwriting analysis, right?

Neither.

I've adored you from afar, Cindy Sondheim.

How did you know my name?

How does one know

the wind's name is Mariah?

You're weird. You know that?

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see.

They're bloodshot

and you had too much to drink last night.

- What else?

- I don't know.

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