Love at First Bite Page #3

You tell me.

Love.

I love you.

And I can give you eternal life.

Sh*t. I knew it, an insurance salesman.

I've already got Prudential.

I am Count Vladimir Dracula.

I do not sell life insurance.

Don't get so hostile.

I mean, you walk over here...

and you start to tell me you love me?

How could you?

You don't even know me.

Maybe the only thing you know...

is I don't want to get married,

or something like that.

I know many things about you.

Secret things.

Really?

Like what?

Like...

you enjoy having your ankles licked.

Listen...

maybe we can go back to my place.

Or your place? Whichever.

I can't believe I said that.

Come on in.

Can I get you anything?

A broom, perhaps.

I hate housework. It killed my mother.

I'll see you in a minute. I'll be right back.

Make yourself comfortable.

Room 903, please.

What time does the sun rise in the morning?

6:
48?

I want you to call me at 6:00.

A wake-up call.

Something sexy

Et voil.

What do you think of the real me?

I'll be right out there.

I've got the thing to put us in the mood.

Hold on. Don't go anywhere.

So that's where you've been

for the last two days.

And I thought you were lost, you little devil.

There you go.

Hi.

I got us some champagne

and a little Maui Waui. Really heavy sh*t.

I do not drink wine...

and I do not smoke sh*t.

So much for that.

How sweet.

I've got just the thing for you.

We'll get you a half a lude,

a Perrier water, a twist of lime...

and a Perc chaser. Perfect. I'll be right back.

There's just one thing I want to tell you

before we do it.

This is purely physical.

I don't expect to see you after tonight...

and you are not obliged to call me,

there is no commitment.

- Are you listening to me?

- No.

Why not?

Because you're not saying anything

we want to hear.

I don't know what you mean.

- I'm just trying to be honest.

- Don't be honest.

What should I be?

Beautiful.

Be romantic.

Be mine.

There's just one more thing,

I'm not on the pill.

They were giving me migraines.

But I'm all right. I mean...

I'll be all right from the 14th to the 19th,

and today's the 16th, right?

Is it the 16th? I'm not sure if it's the 16th.

What are you doing?

That's so kinky! Are you biting me?

I don't know, Jeffery.

It just wasn't like what we have.

You mean, dinner, the movies,

occasional sex to relieve anxieties.

- More than that?

- More, it was...

It was wild...

it was crazed.

It was the most unbelievable

sexual fulfillment...

I've ever experienced.

Why don't you come to the office

next Monday for a shot of penicillin?

Don't be snide, Jeffery.

I want to get to the bottom of this.

All right, let's analyze this.

- That's what I'm here for.

- That's right.

Let's see...

the first time this happened,

you blamed it on low blood sugar.

The glucose tolerance test...

which I paid for, proved negative.

The time before that, you said

you were having a double-crisis day...

- according to your biorhythm chart.

- I was.

You were? No...

last night you were on a

definite optimistic upswing.

- That's true.

- So much for that bullshit.

Doctor, I think

you're losing your objectivity.

- Really?

- Yes.

Moving right along, the time before that...

you claimed the CIA had planted

a mind-bending drug...

in your feminine hygiene spray.

But we checked it out...

they never heard of you.

So what's left?

What is it that causes you to behave

with such rampant promiscuity...

little Miss Hot Pants?

- It couldn't be that?

- What, Jeffery?

Spit it out. Just say it.

Well, either you're angry with me...

because of my ambivalence about

committing to a definitive relationship...

after nine years.

Or, this is probably the case here...

it's a fantasy.

- A fantasy?

- Yeah.

You call this a fantasy?

Did you ever see a dynamite hickey

like that before?

Well?

- Oh, my God!

- What?

- No!

- What?

- No, it can't be.

- It can't be what?

- Dracula!

- How did you know his name?

Dracula, alive.

Of course he's alive.

I told you, I was just with him last night.

- Cindy, darling...

- What?

You met him a long time ago.

You were a little girl.

He was a very great man.

- Count Dracula?

- No, my grandfather, Dr. Fritz Van Helsing.

He was the first man to discover the thing...

- you slept with last night.

- Thing? Excuse me.

Last night, tell me,

how many times did he do it?

Two and...

a half. I fell asleep.

No, I mean,

how many times did he bite you?

Just once.

I told you, it was our first date.

I was just sitting there, at the disco,

talking to Lisa on the phone...

Quiet.

It was your first date and your last date.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're a jealous toad, Jeffery.

Page 58, yes, here it is.

"Three bites from the vampire,

and the victim is doomed."

Darling, if that monster

bites you two more times...

you will become a vampire, a living corpse.

Look, if last night was any indication

of what it's like to be a corpse...

it sure beats the hell out of living.

- Cindy, I'm serious.

- Jeff, you're crazy.

Vampires in New York City,

in the 20th century? Really!

Sweetheart, darling...

trust me.

Your life is in danger. I almost love you.

Can I just see him?

Meet him, with you, I mean?

I don't know.

He's meeting me for drinks at 8:00

and then he's taking me for dinner.

- Don't you screw it up.

- No. Thank you.

- That's time.

- Really? Already? Gee, time goes so fast.

Where's my lighter?

- Sweetheart.

- Yes?

There's one other thing.

You haven't paid for any of these sessions...

in over a year.

It's not for me.

The accountants are all over me...

and so I would like a little, you know.

Oh, God, I forgot my checkbook.

It's on the sink, I remember.

Jeffery, do you think it'd be all right

if I paid you Tuesday?

I'll remember my checkbook on Tuesday.

Sure, darling...

because you know what Freud said:

"If you don't pay for it, you don't get better."

I remember.

- Thank you, Jeffery. Bye.

- Bye. Later, pumpkin.

Dracula! Alive! In New York!

I won't let him get her.

I won't.

Why don't you go and get yourself

something to eat...

and be back in an hour.

Uncola for me, please.

- Well, where is he?

- He'll be here.

Another fly-by-night character.

Good evening, my beauty.

Roses.

They're beautiful.

- Aren't they beautiful, Jeffery?

- Flowers.

Don't touch the thorns.

Vladimir, I'd like to introduce you

to my psychiatrist, Dr. Jeffery Rosenberg.

Jeffery, Count Dracula.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Rosenberg.

- Likewise, Count.

- Please call me Vladimir.

And I will call you Shrink.

We are in America.

Did you have a nice day, my beauty?

Ren ran my ass off all day.

He may be the best photographer

in New York City, but he's still a b*tch.

- They've a right to their life.

- Yes, I know, Jeffery.

They love in their way, we love in ours,

who's to say which is right?

By the 21st century, homosexuality

will probably be the normal lifestyle.

Excellent. Cigarette?

I do not smoke! Thank you very much.

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