Love Bite

Befit'?

Where are you?

Just a hunch.

I don't think they're coming.

- I really thought we had a chance.

- They didn't speak English.

- That's what I mean.

- Squeezer?

Well, if the girls aren't coming,

does anyone wanna eat my sausage?

Linda, excuse me. I've hardly

touched this. Can I get a refund? No?

Can I just get it battered to go then,

please?

Never mind about that.

Party, tomorrow afternoon, yeah. The four

mighty stud-muffins on their way.

Well, two mighty stud-muffins and two...

Nothings.

- Will we really pull at this party?

- 100%. It will be a beaver safari.

- A beavery.

- Even Spikey'll pull.

Father Jordan. Going out tonight?

You didn't clean up reception again.

We'll talk about it when you're dressed.

Think I can get away with this

on a motorbike or is it a bit cheeky?

Can you see my...

- Mum! Yes, you can.

Hey, get this. Fast Eddie hinted

he might wanna tie the knot.

Great, I always wanted my third stepdad

to be a roadie.

- You alone then?

- Yes.

Again.

- May I make a suggestion?

- Please don't.

If you wait for the perfect girl to walk

into your life, you end up... waiting.

Thanks, Mum. Duly noted.

- Sometimes imperfect girls are more fun.

- Can't hear you.

Are any of us actually invited

to this party?

- We're not not invited.

- Shh.

Hear that?

It's the mating call

of an entire subspecies.

Alright.

Virgees, listen up.

Girls like a man who's confident, right?

So when in doubt, what do you do?

Talk about yourself.

Girls love that. Fact.

Follow me. I'm going to take you down

to P*ssy Town.

Have you got any idea

how crude that sounds?

- Yeah.

- P*ssy Town.

See that one in the black bikini?

Spike, you're dribbling.

Watch and learn, Jamie.

Watch and learn.

Butt naked, skinny dip.

Hello?

- I've been watching you.

- Really?

I don't mean to sound forward, but

I suppose a shag's out of the question?

- Excuse me?

- You know, belly to belly?

Back up the hard drive?

The old hump-lick manoeuvre?

- You're really not big on small talk.

- We can do small talk, if you like.

Or you can just dive right in

and lube up your hog.

Bugger.

- Your party?

- No.

- Is that marijuana I can smell?

- No.

Well, whoever's in charge

of this assembly

I want you to tell them

to turn that racket down.

Don't make me come back.

Got it?

Look at it. Everyone else is pulling.

What's wrong with us?

- It's all about pheromones.

- Telephones?

Male sex hormones.

Women can smell them apparently.

- Is this the way to the garden?

- No, yeah, no idea.

- Pardon?

- Nice tat. Sanskrit, right?

Everlasting Peace.

The waiter at the Curry Inn told us

it actually says, 'Kick my nut sack! '

- Kev.

- Juliana.

I don't know if you know,

but tonight is your lucky night.

It's my job to give the most

attractive woman the time of her life.

Starting with

the alcoholic beverage of her choice.

- What would you like, Sweetpea?

- I'll have a Scotch Mist, please.

Coming right up.

- Is that a real drink?

- Do you think I'd make it up?

Does he often use

that chat-up technique?

Normally he asks girls if they wanna

watch him lick his own eyebrow.

Course, I'd hate you to think all

the boys at Rainmouth are just crass.

I've only pulled, Jamie.

And she is well up for it.

She's probably worth at least a...

Minimum.

So, are you here on vacation then?

Going for a more formal approach now?

If you prefer something more moronic...

Am I on vacation?

No, I'm actually working.

- I write travel articles for a blog.

- Wow.

Wideblueyonder.com.

What you guys call gap year students.

No, over there it just means students

work at Gap for a year, right?

You know, I have to call my parents.

I check in at the same time

every couple of days.

- So I'm gonna step outside.

- OK.

- Why don't you make us a drink.

- OK. Yeah.

Perfect.

- I hope you don't think I'm easy.

- No.

You mind if I put my hand

down the front of your...

- Do you know what you're doing?

- Yeah, why?

Your finger's in my belly button.

- Do you have any, you know, protection?

- Got my crash helmet.

Right.

- I'll go get them, shall I?

- No, let's start a family, Gary.

Fiona?

Fiona?

Hello again?

Wanna suck on my lollies?

Let's whip out the old baps and trumpet.

I thought you and I were gonna...

Sex pest.

Hurry back.

I'm all horned up.

Or I'll have to take care of it myself.

Again.

Juliana. It's Jamie.

I waited for you back there,

but you never came back.

I would really love... like to see you

again and get to know each other more.

Mum, could you get that?

Aarikka.

Double A, double K.

Right, yeah. Room 9.

Nah! I prefer to carry it myself,

thank you.

It's... top of the stairs, turn right.

Thank you.

Come in.

Jamie?

My God.

Are you the bell hop, or something?

No, my mum owns it and I just help out.

Until something else...

till... something else-turns up.

I just got your e-mail. So sweet.

Yum! I'm ravenous.

I couldn't get a signal at the party,

then my boss called.

I need you to put this piece

on the blog.

This is great. Because I wanted

to ask you if you'd go out with me.

- Let's pretend that didn't happen.

- Done.

I need someone

to show me around. This afternoon?

This afternoon? Well, I...

- See you later then. Around two?

- Awesome.

- It's rude to stare.

- Can I give you some advice, lad.

Stay away from that girl.

Do you ever think about

getting out of Rainmouth?

All the time.

Travelling is the one thing

I wanna do most of all.

- What's stopping you?

- It's a bit complicated.

- I have to look after my mum.

- She can't look after herself?

The place tends to fall apart

if I'm not there.

Right, so that's how you see your life,

running a hotel with your mom?

- Kind of like in Psycho.

- What? No!

I'll have a pomegranate and kiwi.

It might say pomegranate and kiwi,

but it doesn't mean they have it.

- What do they have then?

- Usually just milk.

OK, I'll have a shake.

- You could say it's part of the charm.

- You ever been in the States?

- You should. You should come over me.

- Pardon?

You should come over and see me.

You know what was interesting at that

party in an anthropological sense?

How different North American

and British teenagers behave.

In the States teens are busy

discovering who they are.

- While over here...

- Vomiting and flashing genitals.

Exactly. Your friends are still

at the window, aren't they?

If a boy takes a girl he likes out

in Rainmouth, where do they go?

- Probably McBunty.

- And if they wanna be alone?

That's Barnham Woods

and over there is Lookout Hill.

Want to answer a couple of questions?

- Just wondered if you'd seen these two.

- That's Gary. Is he in trouble?

He's missing. He went to a party last

night and didn't come home, so...

That's where I've seen you.

His scooter's still there,

but he's just, well, disappeared.

- Were you at this party too?

- Me? No.

Dilated pupils.

Either he's in love or on the pipe.

- Coat, trousers off.

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