Love Hard

---

Love Hard script

*music intro*

[woman] It's been said that, according to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces But fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning humans to spend the rest of their lives searching for their other half, their soul's equal.

*music*

[woman] And if that's true, then Zeus is an a**hole.

*music*

[woman] Sure, dating has never really been easy, but modern dating online is even harder, I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just one click away,

-Someone kind, and honest, and ideally.

- [man] Honey? [woman]

.someone that doesn't already have a wife. Am I right?

*music*

[woman] Despite my gut telling me that maybe I should give up altogether, along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies and offers to take me on a sunset sail until he ghosts me.

-But on a positive note, I've turned my horrible love life into a successful online writing career. For years, I've been chronicling my disaster dates under the pseudonym "Always a Bridesmaid. And people seem to love that I can't find love, But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't? Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world, or my picker is broken.

Natalie’s friend: It's both. What's the one common denominator in all of these dates? It’s you.

Natalie:
I beg your pardon? The common denominator is that it's a bunch of LA a**holes.

Nf:
That's your other problem. You're only looking local. I had to import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes. You gotta think bigger. Jesus, Nat! You only have your dating radius set to five miles. You gotta look outside West Hollywood.

Natalie:
Gas is so expensive. I mean, it'd be 40 bucks to get to Glendale, and that's only one way.

Nf:
It's cheaper to do cocaine and then run everywhere.

[chuckles]

Nf-Okay. Fixed it. I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

Natalie:
Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

- [chuckles]

Nf-Okay. Fixed it. I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?

Nataly:
Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.

Natalie-Oh, but no kiwi because I'm-.

Nf-I. I know, you're allergic. No kiwi.

Natalie-Sorry. Habit. The last time an intern forgot, I almost died.

Natalie’s boss-Natalie, where's my next story? story? I'm assuming your next date is lined up.

Nat- I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'1l try something different. Like…Something a little bit more upbeat?

Nb-Why the hell would you do that?

Nat-So I don' spend another evening with a guy who was featured on an episode of Hoarders. It's making me miserable.

Nb-Oh, I'm sorry. [sucks in air] Everyone's miserable, though. But that's why Social Media exists to either distract people from their own lives, or to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse. Remember, a disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay? Got food in your teeth. You might wanna.…. Iclicks tongue] (walks away) Get it to me!

[traffic rumbling]

[Natalie grunting]

[grunts]

[sighs deeply]

[phone chimes]

[music playing]

[Roy] I'm a nude yoga instructor. Namaste.

[Rick] Semi-finalist on Dancing with the Stars.

[Vinny] Devoted feminist. Favorite movie: The Noteb-

[Greg] This could be yours, girl. Why don't you come over and play with--

[Josh] Passionate about life and all things outdoors. When I'm not traveling for work, you'1l find me at home in Lake Placid, New York, planning my next move.

Nat-Wow.

[Josh] Looking for a woman who's spontaneous and drama-free. [

Natalie] Love Actually? Worst Christmas movie ever!

[Josh] Hey, Natalie. So how do you REALLY feel about my favourite movie? [

Natalie] It's a movie about people falling in love based on how they look.

[Josh] I like to think it's a story about the triumph of love over reality.

Nat-I can work with that.

Josh- What’s your favourite Christmas movie?

[Natalie] That's easy. Hands down, Die Hard.

[Josh] You really think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

[Natalie] Yippee Ki Yay, I do!

[Josh] Okay. Convince me. Nat-Okay.

[Natalie] Fine. I can give you seven reasons, to be exact.

[Josh] You've studied this in depth.

[Natalie] One, it takes place during a Christmas party. –

[Josh] Doesn't make it a Christmas movie –

[Natalie] I have more evidence. Two, it snows at the end. Number three, there are presents involved.

[Josh] There are presents involved in most movies ever made! You know what? I'm willing to reconsider this. I might actually-

[music]

Nf- Holy sh*t! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot. He knows the difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by. He's Asian-American and speaks three languages. He's a world traveler but hasn't been to any places on the watch list. -So really there's only one con.

N-What?

Nf-You've never seen him.

N-Come on. [chuckles] There's six pictures on his profile.

Nf-That means nothing. Remember the last guy you met up with in public?

N-Yeah

Nf-Yeah. He ended up being 20 years older than his photos. This guy could be old. He could be a waiter from the Last Supper.

N--What? Nf-Look at me. Look at me. You do not trust anybody unless he sends you a photo holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay? Yeah. Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.

N-You cannot get this phone. NO.

Nf-Yeah, try me. Oh! Okay, fine! N-No. Oh!

Nf-Yeah. What?

[Josh] Sounds like I'm missing a fun party.

- [both gasp]

N- Hello?

-[woman laughing]

J- Hello? –[Josh] Hey, Natalie.

N--Hey,

Nf- [woman] Mm-hmm.

N-I… I actually didn't mean to call you. I was, um, hiking and….I tripped and accidentally hit "Call.

Nf-What the f*** are you saying? - [

Josh] Glad you're still alive.

N-What?

Josh] I'm happy to be your emergency contact, even with the three-hour time difference,

Nf- [whispering] I'm sorry.

N-Nope. Nope. I'm still alive. So anyway, I…. I better get back to it. -Sorry to bother you. Bye. –

[disconnects]

N-I'm gonna kill you.

Nf- [laughing] I'm sorry!

- Itext tonel

Nf-What? -What?

N-Are you satisfied?

Nf-Yeah, Yeah, she's satisfied. Oh my God.He is so cute!

Josh- Isighs] Oh.

Nat-What is.…. like.… what is this?

[Josh] „but when you start making toast in the tub, that's when we' ll worry. [

giggling]

Nat-You know, when I first saw your profile, I thought you'd just be another guy who's really hot and has a dick pic on standby.

Josh- -Well, what makes you think I'm not?

- [text tone]

Nat--Ah. Josh-Your turn! Tit for tat, Nat.

Josh-- [laughing] Oh! That's a weird Dick!

Nat-[chuckles] At least mine's not crooked.

[music]

[Josh] My parents got divorced when I was three, but I got a pretty great stepmom now, so.

[Natalie] My mom passed away last year. You would've loved her. [chuckles] Everyone did.

[music]

Natalie-Honestly, I'm so over eating out. I prefer to just stay in and cook.

- [Josh] Oh! You cook?

-Oh yeah. All the time. Tonight I'1l be assisted in the kitchen by Chef Boyardee and my good friends Ben and Jerry.

[Natalie] No way. You were chubby as a kid too?

[Josh] I swear to you. Kids in middle school used to ask me which chin I really used.

Nat-Ugh, kids can be so cruel.

[Natalie] You're telling me it's really Tom Cruise flying these planes?

[Josh] That was him driving the car in Days of Thunder,

Tv-him hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible-- Oh, drink!

Nat-Ugh. I had no idea that this movie was so homoerotic.

[Josh] Yeah, actually I think Maverick and Iceman get married in the sequel.

Nat-Ugh. "Bottom Gun"? Oh! Maverick just disobeyed an order! Chug!

[Josh] What was your favorite book as a kid?

[Natalie] It was a book of poems called Where The Sidewalk Ends.

[Josh] "I cannot go to school today. said little Peggy Ann Mckay.”

[Natalie] I can't believe that you know that.

[Josh] Before there was Ferris Bueller there was Peggy Ann Mckay.

Nat-my, um, my mom, she used to read that to me when I was little. It used to help me sleep, but I ho

nestly can't think of a single thing that's more comforting than being read to.

[Josh](starts reading)

Nat (falls asleep)

Nat(wakes up)- Josh?

- [Josh] Good morning.

Nat- [chuckles]

[Josh] Oh, I guess I really should have gotten the Verizon Unlimited plan.

Natalie laughs

Nb-Natalie. My office, now. [man] It's been two weeks. Where's my next Disaster Date story?

N-Um. Could you just pause for a second? It's a little distracting.

Nb-[panting] No. I can't stop. I won't stop. Now, where's my next story?

N-Here's the thing. -I met someone. [exhales] I think this might be the real deal.

Nb-- [man] Oh boy. Here we go.

N-I'd like to write about that instead.

Nb-I'm not buying it. Just go out with some Tinder tool and complain about him, please.

N-I don't complain.

Nb-Why'd you dump the guy with the quinea pigs?

N-They freaked me out.

Nb-And the guy who smiled all the time?

N-You could never tell if he was actually happy.

Nb-How about the guy who kept calling your relationship a collab?

N-Do I really need to explain?

Nb-[breathing heavily] Natalie, here's the deal, okay? Your dating life is a disaster. But you should be thankful because it's why you have a job.

N-What if I write a piece about a girl on the verge of completely giving up on love when she comes to find that the perfect guy might actually exist? So she risks it all. Her sanity, her common sense, her ability to ever be on The Bachelor, and it's worth it because they fall in love just in time for Christmas.

Nb-[man] 0oh, I like it.

N- [chuckles]

Nb-I just don't think you're the one to write it. You gotta leave the serious stuff to the real journalists, like Steve.

N-Screw Steve.

Nb-I did. Hastag don't tell HR. Low-key.

N-You know what? As of this moment right now, my disaster dating days are over. I'm gonna fly to Lake Placid, New York. I'm gonna surprise Josh, and I'm gonna get my happy ending.

Nb-I'm sorry. So, you haven’t even met this dude yet?

N-Well, no t. not in person, but—

Nb-Oh, I take it all back. No, I take everything back. You should write about this. You should fly across the country and surprise a virtual stranger for the holidays. This is gonna be your most epic Disaster Date yet. Uh-oh. Who's doing the dance?

N-You're wrong, Lee, and I'm gonna show you. Because this is going to be the most epic love story that you have ever read. Now, if you'11 please excuse me, I have bags to pack

. (Music)

N-[exhales] Okay. N-Is this insane? It's kind of insane.

N -Am I insane? I'm insane. What am I doing?

Nf-No, no, no, no. Hey- Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You, my friend, are about to fly 3,000 miles to meet up with a guy who is literally the polar opposite of anybody you've ever dated before, so--Oh my God. The mother of all ironies is this might be the most sane thing you've ever done.

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