Love Potion No. 9

---

I took my troubles | down to Madame Ruth

You know, that Gypsy | with the gold-capped tooth

She's got a pad | on 34th and Vine

Sellin' | little bottles of

Love Potion | Number Nine

I told her that I was | a flop with chicks

I've been this way | since 1956

She looked at my palm

And she made | a magic sign

She said, | What you need is

Love Potion | Number Nine

She bent down | and turned around

And gave me a wink

She said, | I'm gonna mix it up

Right here | in the sink

It smelled | like turpentine

It looked like | india ink

I held my nose, | I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know | if it was day or night

I started kissin' | everything in sight

But when | I kissed a cop

At 34th and Vine

He broke | my little bottle of

Love Potion | Number Nine

I held my nose, | I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know | if it was day or night

I started kissin' | everything in sight

But when | I kissed a cop

At 34th and Vine

He broke | my little bottle of

Love Potion | Number Nine

I held my nose, | I closed my eyes

I took a drink

I didn't know | if it was day or night

I started kissin' | everything in sight

But when | I kissed a cop?

At 34th and Vine

He broke | my little bottle of

Love Potion | Number Nine

Love Potion...

About once a month,

my friends and I | get together

and do something different | for fun.

Sometimes | we go bowling

or miniature golf

or a movie | or something.

One night,

we went down | to a Gypsy palm reader

on 34th and Vine.

Let me see | your palm.

You do very badly | with women.

No. I... I... I... | I do all right.

No, you don't.

There are | no women here.

What's this?

No women.

Are you | a boy-kissy-boy?

Excuse me?

You a homosexual?

No.

I want my sister | to see this.

No, I don't.

No.

I see no women | in your life

for a long, | long time.

Maybe...

forever.

Well, that's | kind of depressing.

Yes, it is.

But I have | something for you.

Let me see.

Number 17,

number 13.

Where the hell is it?

Ahh.

Number eight.

This is | what you need.

Dilute this with water | 1,000 to 1.

You don't want it | to be too strong.

You take a sip, | and you swallow.

And when you speak,

women will fnd you | fascinating.

I'm a biochemist.

You take this.

You'll be back.

So, tell me, | there was this woman

I saw you having lunch | with the other day.

Huh?

She's just... | just somebody I work with.

Uh-huh.

Were there any | romantic possibilities?

No.

No?

Why not?

No, you see, I'm...

She's, um, | she's not my type.

Oh, she's not | your type.

That was a lie.

Except for the fact | that she had

kind of a boyfriend,

Diane was exactly my type.

I'm a comparative | psychobiologist.

I put, uh, primates...

chimpanzees... | through tests.

I note the behavior | of the subject,

and I hope the results | are analogous to humans.

Do you put electrical things | in their brains?

No.

But that's done, | isn't it?

Yes.

Why?

You can measure | electrical activity,

or, with a minute | amount of current,

you can stimulate a feeling | or... or a thought.

You can stimulate | a feeling?

Yes.

For example,

there was | this experiment

where an electrode | was planted

in the pleasure center | of a monkey's brain.

When the monkey | hit a button,

it sent a signal | to the electrode,

in effect exciting | the monkey sexually.

You're kidding.

No.

Can you guess | what happened?

Was it a male monkey?

Yes.

He slammed the button | till he died.

Oh, so, you know | this experiment.

I know men, honey.

Oh, stop.

I think she is defnitely | Paul's type.

She's got that, | uh...

je ne sais quoi,

that, uh...

Very sexy girl.

You should go | talk to her.

Really.

You should do it.

Do it.

I don't know her.

Well, | that is the point.

You go talk to her,

then you'll | know her.

Well, maybe she doesn't | want to talk to anybody.

Maybe.

Maybe she does, huh?

You got to | keep taking chances,

keep rolling | the dice

till you fnd someone | who does want to talk.

Expert advice.

Go.

I'll tell you what.

I'll pay you $20 | to go talk to her.

$20. Just go | talk to her.

No.

$40.

I don't want to do it.

$60.

$80.

$100?

Oh, O. K., O. K.

?Born to lose ? ?I've lived my...

He trapped me | by the bathroom.

He keeps me | by the bathroom.

He won't let me pass.

Can you believe it?

It's just one ugly geek | after another

in this place.

If one more of these | Radio Shack clerks...

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Uh-oh.

I don't believe this.

Can I, uh, uh,

can I buy you | a drink?

Can I ask you | a question?

Sure.

Why do you think | I'd be interested in you?

Did I look at you | or smile at you?

Did I flirt with you?

No.

Well, then what makes you | think I'd be interested?

Are you somebody special? | Is that it?

Do you do something | really fascinating?

What do you do | for a living?

Uh, I'm... | I'm a biochemist.

Do I look like | a biochemist groupie?

Well, biochemists | don't have groupies.

Why do you think | that is?

Well, it's not | a very glamorous job.

No, it's not one of your | drop-dead glamorous jobs.

I mean,

I'm sure that you fnd chemicals | very fascinating,

but do I look like somebody | who'd be interested

in a...

a... a...

a chemical person?

No. Hey, wait.

I'm doing this | for your beneft.

I mean, you wouldn't want this | to happen again,

would you?

No.

No. What's very | obvious to me

is not to you.

Look at your clothes

and then look at mine.

Do you see any kind | of a difference here?

Clothes aren't | important to you,

but they're | important to me.

Taste is very important.

I like designer clothes. | I like nice things.

I drive a BMW. | What about you?

Uh, I drive | a Volkswagen.

- Fahrvergnugen. | - Fahrvergnugen.

You know what that | really means?

Can't afford | the Mercedes.

Well, you're right.

We're not really | suited for each other,

and, uh, | so I'll just go

and get myself | a chemical girl.

I'm sorry.

I was just trying | to make a point.

I tell you what.

I'll go home | with you tonight

and be your | total sex slave...

if you can answer | one question correctly.

Ahem.

All right.

Who designed this top?

I wouldn't know.

Bye-bye, now.

[Engine Rattling]

[Police Radio]

[Rattling]

You're supposed to come | to a complete stop at the sign.

Can I see your driver's license, | your registration,

your proof | of insurance, please?

Yeah.

What the hell | kind of car is this?

It's an Alta Pazzoli.

My car s-stalls

unless I keep | my... my foot on the gas,

and I was | just trying to get...

I've already had | two moving violations this year,

and if I get a third, | they might cancel my insurance, so...

do you think | that maybe you could...

please make this | a warning?

Is this | your correct address?

Yeah.

[Engine Backfring | And Sputtering]

[Engine Backfres]

Hello.

You have zero messages.

Hello.

You have zero messages.

[Classical Music Plays]

[Same Classical Music | Plays]

Bad.

This is bad.

Bad.

[Meow]

Come here. | Come here.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes