Love Sick Love Page #3

---

the help of American Express.

I wanna open it!

No! I wanna open it!

Careful. Careful.

Ooo, pretty.

Look Albert, a sparkly bear!

It goes right over here.

And I know what

you're thinking...

That it's June.

But all the men are wearing

these things too now.

They're all the rage.

It's okay. You can go

outside and play now.

Finally. This guy is so boring.

So, what do you think?

I uh... wow! So many questions.

What? You don't like the kids?

So many questions.

I know you might

think this is crazy.

And maybe I went about

introducing them

the wrong way, but...

Those are my kids,

and they are part of me.

I'm sorry I didn't

tell you sooner

but I was just afraid

of how you'd react.

Aww, come on. Look at us.

A young couple, nice house,

a couple of kids,

just one thing missing...

I got you. You should've

seen your face! Priceless.

Boy, you are a nut!

A bona fide nut!

So you'll stay?

Dori. You can't expect me

to get excited about -

excited...

The kids go to bed early.

They do?

Yes. They do.

How early?

Real early.

Real early?

Real, real, real early.

Dori?

Yes?

How did the kids get here?

So this is Grandpa Ed

and Grandma Edna.

Dori says you sell houses.

That's nice.

A realtor? What is that?

A six weeks of school

before they give you

a crappy red jacket?

I have a B.S. in finance.

B.S. is right.

Norman buys homes whose

loans have been defaulted on

then he renovates

before reselling.

It's very profitable.

What do you do with the

family that's defaulted?

Um? What?

I mean what do you

with the families

that no longer have a home?

Yeah. What do you do with them?

Um, well, that's not

really my responsibility.

Making someone homeless

isn't your responsibility?

Well it doesn't

exactly work that way.

If you don't have a

home you're homeless.

How exactly is it

supposed to work?

You know, Norman, you should

really think about trying

to find these families homes.

Noted.

So what are your intentions?

Come again?

Your game plan, son.

What the hell's your game

plan when it comes to Dori?

Um, to be honest

we're not really

technically boyfriend and...

We just celebrated our

two month anniversary.

Oh! Congratulations!

Anniversaries are such a hoot.

So you both are intimate

with each another already.

That's always fun.

Grandma!

Dr. Fisher says

that a robust sex life

can lead to a long

and loving relationship.

And he wasn't just talking

about heavy petting, neither.

He was talking

about actual penetration

and a whole lot of it.

Ed penetrates me all the time.

What the hell

were you thinking?

What I was thinking was

that it would be nice

for you to meet the family.

I didn't even know you had

a family until ten minutes ago.

Everybody has a family.

Jesus Christ, Dori.

A relationship is a give

and take proposition.

You can't just have

sex from a woman

and expect to give

something in return.

What on earth are

you talking about?

You know very well Albert is

struggling with percentages.

He could use your help.

Oh, you need my math skills?

Listen! Dori,

you're a lovely girl.

And I'm sure you're going to

make someone very happy one day.

But man o' man,

you need some f***ing

big time professional help.

That song?

It's about a stalker.

And Pralines and Cream?

It's disgusting.

So have a nice day,

an even better life.

I'll see you on the other side.

What the?

What happened

to my steering wheel?

What?

What the f*** happened

to my steering wheel?

Your language, Norman.

Where's my f***ing

steering wheel!

Oh boy. We have some

degenerate teenagers in town-

You sawed off

my steering wheel!

Are you accusing

me of stealing?

I'm accusing you of

being out of your mind!

You know how much this

is going to cost me?

I'll go find Grandpa, see if he

can give you a ride into town.

There's a general store there.

A general store?

This is a f***ing Porsche

not a stage coach!

They have lots of stuff.

You'd be surprised.

'Keep it together.

Where's my phone.

F***! My phone's inside'

Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Come on?

Okay Andrew, pick up.

Pick up Andrew. Pick up.

Hola, que tal?

Oh thank God.

This chick is out of her gourd.

Mom?

Is that you?

Stop f***ing around.

It sounds like you're in a well.

More like

another planet. Listen..

Dori. She's a

complete whack job.

Oh, Dori, right.

How's that going?

Uh. Well, she's crazy, man.

Are we talking "takes it

in the two-hole" crazy?

Skye, not too far.

Or "brings a friend

into bed" crazy?

More like sawing off my

steering wheels crazy.

Nah. Can't hear you.

Dori thinks today

is Valentine's Day.

Did you say she thinks

today is 'Valentine's Day'?

Yeah. She's got hearts

all over the house.

It's June.

That's what I said.

Karma's a b*tch

don't say that word, honey.

Yeah, you know what?

Your sympathy is heart-warming.

Well what do you want to hear?

You leave me with all the work.

That's not a very

kind thing to do.

Oh my god?

Dude, this sh*t is

getting weirder by the minute.

You gotta get yourself up here.

Eh. Back in the well.

Can't hear ya.

Get yourself up here!

Well where's up here?

Who are you talking to?

Just checking

my voice-mail on speaker.

And I can see how

a lot of men can feel...

Well... Cramped,

or even trapped,

in a relationship.

I don't blame them.

Some girls, my God,

they expect their boyfriends

to give up everything

to be with them.

Not me.

I understand the need

for Saturday night poker

with the guys.

"Don't smother your man",

that's what I always say.

Just let me love you, Norman.

Let us love you.

Is that so hard?

Ouch!

That looks like it hurt.

Are you okay?

What the f*** is going on here?

It's Easter!

Don't use that language

in front of the kids.

F*** you and your kids!

Untie my hands.

Kids, leave the room.

I wanna watch.

Let's go wake up Grandpa up

and find some Easter eggs!

You're getting yourself

into big trouble.

You've gone too far, Dori.

I'm calling the cops.

What are you doing?

Do you know how hard

it is for a woman

with two kids

to meet a decent guy,

let alone have him

fall in love with her?

Try E-f***ing-Harmony.

When a guy first meets a girl

he's all, 'You're so

beautiful, la, la, la. '

Then the girl gets

excited and thinks,

'He might be the

one, la, la, la. '

Then she lets her guard

down, invites him in,

cooks for him, cleans for him,

swallows for him, la, la, la.

Then he sees the kids and POOF!

He's gone.

La. La. La.

You never even told

me you had kids.

Had I told you then you

would have never said 'yes'

to coming up here, right?

That's what I thought.

See, the problem with men is

that they tend to react more

to the situation

rather than the person.

You should fall in love

with the person regardless

of the situation.

Now, you might be

asking yourself,

'How do I get to know someone?'

Good question.

That's where

Dr. Fisher comes in.

In 'The Twelve Steps to a

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes