Love Stinks Page #2

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- Smart man.

- Yeah.

So just tell me what you want,

and I'll make it happen.

Really? I can think

of one thing that I want.

Stop. I have a rule.

A rule? Already?

Let me guess.

"Never kiss a client."

You're fired.

My rule is

I never sleep with a man...

unless we've had at least

three meals together.

Three?

We had dinner at the rehearsal.

That's one.

And I'm ready

for a little breaktast.

Meal number two.

Breaktast at a mini-mart.

I don't deserve this.

That's where you're wrong.

You do deserve this.

This is the best microwave

egg burrito in town.

Plus, I needed gas,

so it's pretty convenient.

Here you go.

Take two. They're small.

There you go.

You know, I know

what we should do next.

- We are not eating lunch.

- Man.

Tiger, I found your ball.

I guess I used

a little too much club.

After 18 holes of professional

miniature golf, I'm famished.

You're hungry.

What a surprise.

It's actually lunchtime

in Paris.

So that would be

meal number three.

All conditions satisfied.

It we do this, it means

that I stop dating Richard...

and you stop dating Amber

or Turquoise...

or whatever crayon

she was named after.

So you want

an exclusive relationship...

after six hours?

Or I can just be your decorator.

It's up to you.

You can have the wildest night

of sex in your life...

or a few nice throw pillows.

Oh, God!

- What'd I do?

- Good morning, Miss Littlejohn.

What in God's good name

is going on here?

You know what?

I opened the showroom

a little bit early...

and this customer wanted to know

how well the bed performed.

So this is

the new Sealy Posturepedic?

I like it.

After one night,

you had yourself a girlfriend.

Chelsea quit her job to work

full-time decorating your house.

And she also decorated you.

She even got you

to take allergy shots...

so you could build up

a tolerance to her cat.

Meanwhile, we were shooting

our new sitcom...

Ronnie and Juliet.

Chelsea, this is my agent.

Where do you find these babes?

Hi. Marty Mark.

With a name like that,

I should be modeling underpants.

The man's show is

on the tall schedule.

- We haven't shot the pilot yet.

- Irrelevant.

I spoke to Bloomstein,

president of the network.

He said it looks terrific.

Bloomstein never says that.

He says, "Looks fantastic."

Which doesn't mean squat.

But he said, "Looks terrific,"

which is fantastic.

Ronnie, we have to stop.

Why? What?

Was I moving my tongue too fast?

I have this rule.

I can't have sex with a man

until we have three meals together.

I said that to Seth.

Get used to it.

Our men write sitcoms.

If they had original thoughts,

they'd be novelists.

They don't make any money.

Baby.

That was such a great show...

but next time you steal my lines,

I want a credit that says...

"Cute dialogue by Chelsea Turner."

It's a done deal.

- Mr. On-The-Schedule!

- Yeah.

I really like this guy.

I think that Seth

could be the one.

Are you serious?

Does he feel the same way?

Please, he's a man.

He has no idea how he's feeling.

I know your man Elvis gave

Colonel Parker a brand-new Cadillac.

I want a Jaguar

with two phones and a fax.

The show was fantastic.

No, it was terrific.

I knew you guys

had a hit in you.

I'm glad you saved it for us,

instead of wasting it on NBC.

It is so over for those guys.

Girl, it's about time.

I'm so used to you

with these...

GQ-looking, just feel like

going bare-chested...

bicycle riding through

Central Park kind of men.

And they always break my heart.

And they always will.

That is why Seth is perfect.

He's so sweet.

He makes me laugh.

I finally found a nice guy

that's ready to settle down.

Lunch tomorrow, okay?

We'll go over strategy.

Now remember, it took me three

breakups, seven ultimatums...

and God knows how many

not-so-thinly-veiled threats...

before Larry

coughed up this ring.

Okay, whatever it takes.

I'm gonna marry that man.

Just the man I want to see.

Rum and Coke, Vodka cranberry.

And it's all on this man.

Coming right up.

Hi, Tawny.

If you ever need an actress

that looks like me...

don't forget,

I look like me.

Yes, you do.

You never know when

we might need a sexy neighbor.

Gee, you think

I could play sexy?

- I guess I could try.

- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Chelsea,

Seth's girlfriend.

I'm Tawny.

Your boyfriend is so cute.

I'll see you later.

Did I hear you say you act?

Why didn't she know

you had a girlfriend?

You know, you got me.

Been handing out flyers

all over town.

Just do me a favor.

Don't ever give that bimbo a part.

What if the part is for a bimbo?

Then hire another bimbo.

- I just don't like her.

- No?

Chelsea had her fish

on the hook.

Now she started

reeling you in.

Wow.

This place is fantastic.

This looks like

an actual house.

You're not Chelsea.

Where are you going, Batman?

- I hope you like dogs.

- I like anything that chases cats.

Hello. Nice to meet you too.

My God. He's so cute.

What's his name?

Say, "It ain't Tom Jones, Papa."

Elvis!

- What do you think of the house?

- It's fantastic.

You did a great job.

Reminds me a little bit

of your place.

Yeah, I do feel right at home.

You'll love what I did

to the guest room.

Surprise.

It's one of those baby rooms.

You said you wanted kids.

I'm good to go.

My God!

This place looks terrific.

Thank you very much.

Man, you are the greatest woman

in the world.

- Look at you.

- Sit down, boy.

My God.

That's Viva, Las Vegas.

That's my favorite movie.

Come on, everybody

and snap your fingers now

That's it.

Come on, everybody

and clap your hands real loud

That's right.

Come on, everybody

take it really fast

And repeat after me

I love my baby

And my baby loves me

Well, there ain't nothing wrong

with the longhaired music

Like Brahms

Beethoven and Bach

But I was raised

with a guitar in my hand

- And I was born to rock

- Audience participation!

Come on, everybody

and turn your head to the left

Come on, everybody

and turn your head to the right

The funny thing is

I do this every night.

Take a real deep breafh

and repeat after me

I love my baby

And my baby loves me

Bring it home.

Big finish.

- You know what?

- What?

I love you.

Already?

Wrong response.

It's just that

it's only been four weeks.

I knew after four minutes,

you dope.

So say it back.

It back.

Seth, you ruined it.

That could have been so romantic.

What happened to Mr. Planetarium?

Sh*t.

Honey? Crap.

Where are you going?

Are you leaving?

If you don't love me,

it's better I know right now.

But I never said

that I didn't love you.

The words every woman

dreams of hearing.

It's all right. Maybe I'm

just not the girl for you.

- But maybe you are.

- Maybe. Way to commit.

Wait.

I love you.

- Do you mean it?

- I think I mean it.

It you don't know you mean it,

don't say it.

Then I mean it.

Say it again.

I love you.

Again.

Louder.

All right?

Why didn't you just say it

in the first place?

I tensed up.

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