Love Stinks Page #3

---

It's a guy thing.

You see what happened?

Every time Chelsea says...

- I love you.

- You are required by law to say...

I love you too.

And that changes everything.

This might be the best idea

I've ever had.

Ronnie needs an operation.

Juliet walks in on him.

He's getting a sponge bath from

some hot nurse I could help cast...

- The hospital show?

- Come on.

I did not say "hospital show."

- How dare you talk about Chachi.

- I know a lot about Chachi.

People! We're doing

our first 13 episodes.

We cannot steal old plots.

That's right.

Until we get picked up

for the rest of the season.

Then we'll just check

old TV Guides and phone them in.

It's not "the hospital show."

It's the "sponge bath show."

- I need to talk to you.

- What's wrong?

I'm gonna go take a sponge bath.

I'm sorry.

It's an emergency.

Tell him you love sponge baths.

My God, honey, what happened?

Gracie ran away.

Gracie the cat?

Yes.

I'm sorry, honey,

but isn't that a cat thing?

They have their little adventures,

they come home.

This is not "a cat thing."

She has never done this before.

You have to help me

look for her.

Honey, I'm under the gun here.

We need a story

in like a half hour. So...

So what are

all those writers for?

What is more important,

my cat or a stupid sitcom?

Let me see.

There's your cat...

that makes me gasp

for oxygen...

and my body break out

in a horrible rash...

or my livelihood.

Come on, kitty.

That's not how you call her.

She's used to it a certain way.

Now listen.

No, listen to me!

- You are not paying attention!

- I'm trying, honey.

Are you telling me the cat won't

respond unless her name is...

properly enunciated?

Don't give me any sh*t!

This is your fault!

So it's my fault

your cat ran away?

Yes.

Every night...

poor Gracie watched me

pack an overnight bag...

with a sad look

on her sweet face.

Then I would leave her all alone

because of your dumb allergies.

She thought that

I didn't love her anymore.

So she left,

rather than be a burden.

Maybe we should

just respect her wishes.

That is not funny.

I can't stay in my house...

without Gracie.

There's too many memories.

So I'm moving in with you.

What, are you serious?

I'm there every night anyway.

If you really loved me,

you'd want me there all the time.

- I do.

- Really?

Bang! See how she snuck in?

"If you really love me"?

And four hours later...

Hi. Chelsea and Seth

can't get to the phone...

so leave us a message

and we'll call you back.

Won't we, baby?

Sure.

Now, that was smooth.

Chelsea was in the house.

And you know what happened

the next morning.

Look who's back.

- Great. It's a miracle.

- I know.

It's Gracie. Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

I want to make a toast.

A toast.

To my amazing husband Larry...

on our special anniversary.

And to my boyfriend Seth

on our special anniversary.

And to my date Jesse...

on our special anniversary too.

Happy anniversary.

Do you guys have any idea

what we're toasting to?

Not a clue.

Not really.

Baby, what happened

one year ago today?

Something important.

We took our first plane trip

together...

to Hawaii.

Hawaii.

Our first plane trip.

- Important.

- Of course.

What did we do

two months ago?

- Oh, we...

- We moved in together.

Right. I was gonna say that.

- One week ago?

- I've only known you a week.

Yes, silly.

One week ago, you saw me

on Baywatch...

and told my agent

to have me call you.

And I did like an hour later.

Yeah, all right.

Happy anniversary.

Cheers, everyone.

I would also like to make

a special toast to Larry.

For introducing me

to my future husband.

What?

My God,

is this the big announcement?

No ring yet.

I'm sorry, honey.

That kind of slipped out.

It's okay.

My heart has resumed beating.

To Larry.

Thank you.

A little thirsty?

Did you see the look

on Seth's face?

He looked like Wile E. Coyote

hanging in midair thinking...

"I'm f***ed."

Just keep dropping hints,

spoil him rotten...

and screw his brains out.

Believe me,

he will come around.

If that doesn't work?

Never underestimate

the power of tears.

Do you guys think

Jesse likes me?

Honey, yes, he does like you.

He also likes every other girl

in this town.

I'm sorry.

I thought you should know.

That's cool. I just want him

to take me to my prom.

"Love bears all things,

believes all things...

hopes all things,

endures all things.

Love never fails."

And I love you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

A new watch?

This is beautiful.

God, you shouldn't be spending

this much money on me.

I knew you'd say that,

so I put it on your MasterCard.

So I get the bonus miles too.

That's great.

Thank you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Why are you crying?

You haven't even opened it yet.

My God, I know. But it

this is what I think it is...

- It's an amethyst.

- Yeah, it's your birthstone.

- Oh, nice.

- Yeah.

God, that looks beautitul on you.

Hello.

Pretend you just got a present.

I said it's nice.

Thank you.

Don't you want to make love?

Go ahead.

That will be nice.

I'll just lock up when I'm done.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

What did I do?

It's my problem.

I'll be tine.

You want to talk to me?

- You don't want to know.

- Yes, I do.

I'm pretty sure.

It's just that we're at this

romantic vacation resort...

and I thought that

you were going to...

that you were

going to propose.

Propose marriage?

Isn't that what people do

when they're in love?

I thought we were just

coming here to play golf.

I mean, marriage...

That's a big step.

I mean, you're deciding is this

the person I want to annoy...

for the rest of my life.

I never want to make love

to another man again.

And I never want to make love

to another man either.

But I only want

to get married once.

I watched my parents split up,

and it was a major nightmare.

Dad became an alcoholic.

Mom became a lesbian.

Then Dad became a transvestite

to get Mom back.

That was stupid...

but I think my point

about divorce is still very valid.

My parents have been

married 42 years...

and they are so happy.

We can be that happy.

Come on, baby.

Come on.

Let's just get engaged.

Say, "Chelsea,

will you marry me?"

All right,

you don't have to set a date.

Just buy me the ring.

Four carats, colorless, grade E,

Clarity:
VVS-1, emerald cut.

That would shut me up.

We're still getting to know

each other, but at least now...

I know what kind

of diamonds you like.

You are so unfunny.

Come on, Chels,

you're making me crazy here.

Now we should talk.

If I am not the one for you,

just tell me...

so we can stop wasting

each other's time.

What are you saying,

marry me or it's over?

Either we're moving forward

or we're standing still.

What does your heart say?

My heart says

let's make a deal.

How about we live together for

a predetermined amount of time...

during which you agree never

to bring up the "M" word.

When time's up,

if things feel good...

then we get engaged.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes