Love Stinks Page #4

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And exactly how long is this

predetermined amount of time?

- Two years.

- What?

I am not waiting two years for you

to see it things "feel good."

How about 18 months?

Six months.

One year.

But that's starting today.

No credit for time

already served.

Deal?

Deal.

That was so beautitul.

Yeah. I'm feeling the love.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks

for coming to another taping of...

Ronnie and Juliet.

Now, let's meet the stars

of our show...

Jesse Travis

and Rebecca Melini!

Ladies and gentlemen...

we just found out...

we were picked up

for the entire season!

Good morning.

Are you ready

for your sponge bath?

I am so ready.

It's very good that

you're here because...

I'm filthy.

I can clean everything...

except that dirty mind

of yours.

- Sh*t!

- What?

Seth hired that bimbo.

Thank you, nurse.

I can take over from here.

I'm sorry. Only medical personnel

can perform medical procedures.

Look here.

Either give me the sponge...

or the proctologist

will have to remove it.

You think he's doing her?

You are the coolest, hottest

little honey dip in this town.

Only a complete schmuck

would cheat on you.

I do not need to be

this close to your head.

Here's an idea.

Why don't we get another sponge?

Then the two of you

can give me a sponge bath?

Bad idea.

I told you the sponge bath

would work.

- And cut!

- I am going to kill him!

Seth, how was I?

You were terrific, lady.

You're such a doll.

Good job, Tawny. You give

one heck of a sponge bath.

You are such an a**hole!

Hi, honey.

A million bimbos

in this town...

and you hire the one

I asked you not to.

Tawny gave the best reading...

and she's not a bimbo.

Thank you, sweetie.

No, don't help.

Oh, my God,

this is such bullshit.

Could we maybe

talk about this at home?

Don't bother coming home.

God.

It's okay.

We have these pretend fights...

so that we can pretend

to make up...

so that we can have

pretend-fight/make-up sex.

It's fun.

- Good show.

- Great show.

Can we talk to you?

Break up and run for your life.

It's not that simple.

I love her.

You love a jealous, controlling,

possessive b*tch!

Shall I leave?

- Definitely not.

- You guys need help.

We'll get you

a little couple counseling...

and get her a whole bunch

of anger management.

- You'll be tine.

- Larry, don't you get it?

That chick is a ticking time bomb.

Seth, get out of the building.

It's true.

Chelsea can be a tad dramatic.

And, yes, she's got

a bit of a temper.

But for the most part,

I think she's sweet...

fun...

heck of a homemaker

and, come on...

the sex is f***ing outstanding...

as in outstanding f***ing.

We'll get you someone new.

Jasmine is it?

What about that redhead friend

of yours at the tanning salon?

- Gina?

- Yes.

- Single and a freak.

- Great news.

Tell her to be

at the planetarium in an hour.

- Call your cousin Eddie.

- Do you want to be single forever?

How cool will you look,

rolling in your walker...

chasing some toothless old lady?

You get better blow jobs

it they're toothless.

- I hear.

- I say commit to the long run.

All couples have problems.

Work it out.

It's worth it.

Gina's out of gas, but it you

bring a can of unleaded...

to the Pinto stuck

in the middle lane...

of the Hollywood Freeway

near the Melrose exit...

she'll follow you home.

Go.

Knock, knock.

Is it safe to come in?

Yes.

I'm so sorry.

I saw that girl, the next thing

I'm Glenn Close...

Iooking for a rabbit to boil.

Look, honey,

nothing's going on.

I forgot all about that night

that you met that girl.

Can I please make it up to you?

What did you have in mind?

Back rub, blow job,

breakfast in bed.

The three B's.

Yeah, that's got

a shot at working.

Why are guys so easy?

And that was pretty much

how the year went.

You guys would fight, make up

and have make-up sex.

The next thing you know,

it's Valentine's Day again:

The deadline.

Isn't it a little early

to be in our pj's...

cuddling by the fire?

Because it makes it

more romantic.

And 3:
00 is the perfect time

to exchange gifts.

And I can't wait any longer.

Are you ready? Yeah?

Happy Valentine's Day.

F*** you.

I'm sorry. I thought

I just heard you say...

You're not proposing, are you?

Not today.

But... Don't you even want

to try them on?

They're so beautiful in the box.

I bet on an actual earlobe...

That would just be magnificent.

You son of a b*tch!

You promised!

I did not promise.

Our deal was it and only it

everything was great...

then we would get engaged.

You have to admit, honey,

it was a pretty rocky year.

Because you won't marry me.

What is your problem?

I am pretty.

I am sexy. I am fun.

And nobody will ever love you

as much as I do.

So why won't you marry me?

What's the rush?

I don't get it.

Can't we just be together?

- You are never gonna marry me.

- What?

Honey, I never said never.

That's it!

Where is my bag?

I am out of here!

I need more time.

Big deal. Wait!

Would you be happier

if we weren't living together?

You know what?

For once in your dysfunctional...

emotionally constipated,

fear-filled...

spiritually crippled existence...

say what you want.

You know what I want.

Don't tell me

I would be happier moving out.

It you want me to leave,

open your fat mouth...

and say the f***ing words!

I think a little space might be

good for the relationship.

You want space.

I will give you

the f***ing galaxy!

And here's what I think of your

pathetic attempt to buy more time.

Wait! Those cost $10,000!

Fishy, here's $10,000 worth

of fish food!

That's it! You have officially

pissed me off!

You haven't had it so bad:

A free place to live,

all expenses paid...

vacations, clothes, more shoes

than I've ever f***ing seen.

You just threw away the best thing

you'll ever have! You suck!

F***!

Hi, it's Seth.

Leave me a message.

It you want to talk to Chelsea,

you should really ask yourself why!

God!

You thought you were finished

with Chelsea...

but the fun was just starting.

So Juliet says,

"Ronnie, guess what?

My mom's moving in with us."

- And Ronnie says...

- "Your mom?

That's not exactly

what I had in mind...

when I suggested you, me

and another woman."

That's comedy.

I suggest we end on a high note.

Take the rest of the day off,

start fresh in the morning.

I have a delivery

for Seth Winnick.

- Yeah, that's me.

- Right on.

- Who's this from?

- Looks like your agent.

Just sign right there.

So this is the think tank?

- This isn't from my agency.

- It's a lawsuit.

You signed proof of service.

I'm sorry, dude.

But I really dig your show.

If you're looking

for new writers...

I brought my spec Frasier script.

- See? It says "Frasier."

- Get out.

Right.

So, should I call you then?

- Should I leave it on your desk?

- Leave it in your ass!

Right on.

Walter Drooz? Isn't he that

scumbag lawyer, which is redundant.

- Right.

- He's an expert in...

Palimony.

- Hello!

- Sh*t.

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