Love Stinks Page #5

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- This is your fault.

- How is it my fault?

Because you said, "Work it out.

It's worth it."

- Obviously, you didn't work it out.

- No sh*t. Look at this.

She claims

I promised to marry her.

She gave up her career

to act as my wife.

- She co-wrote all my scripts.

- I co-wrote all your scripts.

I know. She wants half my income

for the past year...

plus my house

and spousal support payments.

I'm sorry, man.

The girl is crazy!

But she's still fine.

- Holly got other friends...

- I think you've done enough.

Look who's back.

The antichrist.

Hi. How are you?

Good to see you.

What the hell

do you think you're doing?

Making veggie lasagna.

How lovely for you, but considering

this joke of a lawsuit...

It's no joke.

You're in a heap of trouble.

Yeah, I'm scared to death.

Why don't you just get

your stupid, lazy cat...

and get out of here.

I think not.

I get my mail

and phone calls here...

which means this is

my legal residence.

I'm not going anywhere.

You're not moving out?

Why are you doing this?

Couples break up every day.

They don't get lawyers.

They just move on with their lives.

Just go get an apartment.

I'll pay for it.

You'll pay

for a lot more than that.

After everything

I've done for you...

think I'll let some other woman

get all the benefits...

and I get nothing?

Baby, it's too dark in here.

That's better.

Look at you, pretty girl.

- What are you doing?

- Let's brush you before bed.

Get that bad dander away. Yes.

Look at it. It's bad.

You look so pretty, honey.

So this is what hell is like.

You found yourself

a real sweetheart.

She's got no case, right?

One year of cohabitation

is not a marriage...

but the beauty

of American jurisprudence...

is you can sue anybody

for anything.

So who knows? Rich TV producer

versus poor working girl...

sobbing,

"He promised to marry me."

She might get some money.

But, Monica,

I never promised to marry her.

Your word against hers.

And it this

goes all the way to trial...

this could cost hundreds

of thousands of dollars.

Just to break up

with my girlfriend?

Can't I just kill her and get off?

This is Los Angeles.

I'm warning you,

whatever happens...

do not lay a finger on her

or her possessions.

That's fine, but I cannot

guarantee the safety of her cat.

- I didn't hear that.

- I'm just saying, accidents happen.

Lawn darts in the backyard...

"Gracie, look out!"

One from behind.

- Look what Drew Carey is making.

- Yeah, I should be making that.

I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late.

I was at my lawyer's...

dealing with my ex-girlfriend's

palimony suit.

But don't worry

because I can assure you...

this will have no impact

on the show.

So let's read

this week's script entitled...

"Ronnie Smashes Juliet's Skull In

With A Frying Pan."

I heard Monica Harris

is your attorney.

- Drooz will eat her for breaktast.

- We'll see.

You might want to keep yourself

scarce Saturday night about 7:00.

- I have a date.

- Good. I hope you marry him.

I'm so over the marriage thing.

Now I just want to go buck wild.

- You're such a pig.

- I am so sorry.

I had beans and broccoli

for dinner...

and washed them down

with some crab cakes.

Goodness. I am so sorry.

Would you like to spoon me?

I feel like I'm past the worst of it.

- I need some cuddle time.

- Stop it.

I was wrong. Incoming.

My goodness.

I'm keeping the neighbors up.

Your feet are on fire. Wait.

You're so gross.

Man, I've got skills.

I've got game.

- That's my date.

- Could be my date.

Listen, babe, you don't want

to be around when my date shows up.

Same goes for you, babe.

You asked a woman to pick you up?

You have zero class.

It just so happens...

- What's in your ear?

- My diamond earrings.

The diamond earrings

that I gave you?

Yep.

The ones that you threw

in the ocean?

Did you really think

I would throw away...

$10,000 worth of diamonds?

Slipped them

in my little pink bra.

Goddamn.

As much as I hate you right now,

that was a good move.

My God.

Did the network fire me?

They love you, as long

as the ratings stay up.

Come in.

You look adorable.

Look at these.

They're beautiful.

Come with me.

Let's put them in some water.

All righty.

- These are so gorgeous.

- I'm glad you like them.

Wait a minute.

You're her date.

Marty's your date?

You weren't supposed to be here.

I begged him to stay upstairs.

You can't go out with her.

You're my agent.

You're supposed to at least

pretend to be my friend.

Come on, Seth.

You know I hardly ever get laid,

for free.

You guys broke up.

I just want to bang her

a couple of times.

You don't mind, do you, buddy?

Excuse me.

He says he wants

to bang you...

because he never gets laid...

because he's a lowlife,

f***ing worm!

She doesn't even like you.

She's just using you

to get back at me.

I have no problem with this.

She's a bloodsucking,

inhuman creature of the night...

spawned from Satan's seed.

Yeah, once again,

not a problem.

Hello?

Bad time?

Come on in.

You look adorable.

Look who's here,

sleeping her way to the bottom.

She's just jealous because

you're a stunning actress...

and her date

is a slimy bottom feeder...

sponging off of people

who actually have talent.

By the way, Marty,

you are so f***ing fired.

Fine by me. I'll still

commission Ronnie and Juliet...

and make a fortune off of you

by doing nothing.

So nothing will change.

- What is she doing here?

- I live here.

Did Seth forget to tell you

he's just using you...

in a pathetic attempt

to upset me?

Look who's talking.

By the way, Marty,

when she gets into your pants...

she's just looking

for your wallet.

Playing with your dick

is just to distract you.

Works for me.

All I ever wanted to do...

was spend my life loving you...

you disgusting sack of sh*t!

Then why did you hire

the sleaziest lawyer in town...

you pathologically deluded,

morally bankrupt...

in denial, self-esteem deficient

b*tch on wheels?

I am not in denial!

- I'm getting my purse.

- You are a freak of nature!

- Get away from me!

- You don't like me following you?

- Then move out!

- You move out!

- This is my house!

- Not for long!

- I dropped my last name.

- I saw your guest shot on ER.

Loved the way you overdosed.

But now my character

can't come back.

Please. You should have

your own series anyway.

I'm with Inventive Artists.

- Maybe we should do lunch.

- You need psychiatric help!

- You're beyond help!

- How about dinner tonight?

It's like you're reading

my mind, pretty lady.

Sad, really.

You smell fantastic.

Do not tell me to shut up.

Say, "Be quiet."

Just stop talking.

Nice job.

You f***ed up date night.

Gracie sleeps with the fish

under the pier.

Somebody needs a bath.

Baby, Mommy's coming!

Yeah, here comes Mommy.

Oh, my God!

She's coming to save you

because she loves you so much.

I, on the other hand,

couldn't care less.

God, this is a long pier.

Sh*t.

Mommy's flagging a little.

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