Love the Coopers Page #2

---

NARRATOR:
She remembered a moment

she'd wished she could forget,

the day a stolen kiss

caught her eye.

She recognized that kiss.

It was her fianc's.

Eleanor was shattered.

Alas, she could never climb

the wall that built up around her heart.

Still, Eleanor secretly

searched out strangers' faces

for the moment they flickered

with unguarded emotion.

Can I have a Dirty Martini,

shaken over ice, please?

I'd be honored

to buy you a drink.

I can pay for my own drink,

thank you.

Not you.

Thanks.

I'll have a Dirty Martini,

shaken over ice.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

Put the presents

for the kids in the trunk.

And I'll get

your tip next time.

No problem.

And take the Internet,

it's faster.

You got it, Aunt Fishy.

My nephew

called me that.

He and wife

are going to Africa

and I'm babysitting the kids.

I'm your nephew.

Can you remember my name?

Um...

Sam.

Yes. I'm Sam,

that's great.

[LAUGHING]

I know your name.

I'm not a zombie.

You better step on it.

You're going to

miss your plane.

Aunt Fishy,

that was 30 years ago.

Really?

Well, how was the trip?

We didn't go.

Well, you were dying to go.

And you and Charlotte,

saved your money for years.

We had a rough year,

so we postponed it.

Oh, Sammy.

And then you never went.

Weren't you supposed to go,

again this year?

Yes, we were.

NARRATOR:
Who can say

what ends a marriage?

Perhaps it's unreasonable

to ask human beings to grow at exactly

the same rate for 40 years,

six months and three days.

But the canceled trip

was the last straw.

And Sam was moving out.

You seem out of sorts.

Give me the keys, I'll drive.

NARRATOR:
As Hank Cooper waited

for his 17th job interview

in the past month,

he wondered how long

he could keep up

the lie that he was

still taking family portraits at Sears.

HANK:
Big smiles, guys.

You're going to have

this picture for the rest of your lives.

It's going on a wall.

All right, right here. Ready?

[TOY SQUEAKING]

[CAMERA CLICKING]

Oh! Yes.

NARRATOR:
He missed his job helping

unhappy families appear happy.

Love the sweaters,

right? Chipper.

[CAMERA CLICKING]

Yes. And that's beautiful.

NARRATOR:

It was his superpower.

Unexpectedly,

he thought of a woman

he saw just once and never again.

Then he thought of the automated

voice that had replaced him.

Merry Christmas.

Toes on the line. Cheese.

NARRATOR:

Did that voice have children?

Did they now have unaffordable

gifts on their Christmas lists, too?

Dear Santa, please

bring me a blue bicycle.

I'll be waking up at my father's,

but opening presents at my mom's.

NARRATOR:
Hank thought of the unbridled

joy he had Christmas mornings.

WOMAN:
Mister Cooper?

NARRATOR:
Determined, Hank entered

the office with his left foot.

He'd read this was lucky.

I want to thank you for taking

the time to speak with me today.

I really appreciate it.

I know that you're not actually

hiring anyone till the new year,

but just know that...

I'm ready to work now.

You know, I could start today

if you needed it. [SNORTS]

I take pride in my work.

I take a lot of pride

in my work. I...

At my last job, if a family took a bad picture,

I insisted on taking another,

because I care.

I care. I just...

I hated the idea

of anyone sending out

a bad holiday card.

You know, you don't get another

shot at that for a whole year.

You know how many relatives

are going to see that?

Who's going to care

about that now, Bob?

Who's going to care about that?

Dude, you are way too

intense for Staples.

[SNORTS]

[MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY PLAYING]

So what your deal?

What do you do?

I am a writer.

Oh! Wow. All right.

What do you write?

Are you familiar with the Pottery Barn Catalog,

Outdoor Furniture Edition?

All-weather wicker.

[GASPS]

You know my work?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I write plays, actually.

I don't know why... Yeah.

Wow. That's cool.

Yeah.

My last play was

almost produced.

And then...

[SIGHS]

...my lead actor

slash ventriloquist

left for a paying job.

He was a Republican,

naturally.

Republican ventriloquist.

[GASPS]

Oh, no. No.

You're way too cute

to be a Republican.

Ah.

Well, the good news is

I'm not a ventriloquist.

Just tell me you're not one

of those churchy Republicans,

who believes in Fox News,

but not evolution.

Okay. If man evolved

from monkeys and apes,

why are there still,

monkeys and apes?

It's funny because my dog asked me

the same thing about wolves yesterday.

All right.

Look, you believe

in God, right?

Which one?

Any one, just pick one.

They all need too much

validation for me.

It's all, "Love me most

or go to hell."

I have a hard time believing

I'm less needy than God.

Yeah, I have a hard time

believing you are too.

So you don't believe

in much, do you?

You know

what I believe in?

I believe in the sound

of Nina Simone's voice.

I feel like that is the closest

I'll ever come to believing in God.

I haven't heard her.

Wow.

Sorry.

It'll make you a convert.

What are you doing

in an airport bar anyway?

Shouldn't you be with your people

in denying science,

or wherever

you're from?

I'm just trying to get home,

but everything's snowed in.

Isn't that what

you're doing here?

No, I flew in

to see my family.

I have to be there

at 5:
00.

I'm just here to kill

an hour or six.

All right.

Hey. Whoops.

CHARLOTTE:
I hope Eleanor's

plane wasn't delayed.

And something's up with Hank.

He always does that

weird piglet snort

whenever he's trying

to hide something.

People snort, Charlotte.

No. This is not a universal snort,

like [SNORTS].

It's not.

It's a kind of a... It's...

It's specific like [SNORTS].

It's...

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Merry Christmas.

Anyway. All right.

Well... [GASPS]

Oh, my goodness, look.

Oh, I've got a surprise

for you, Madison.

This is genuine,

guess what. Look.

[CHOIR SINGING]

Gingerbread house.

Yes.

CHARLOTTE:
Maybe I should bake

a peppermint cake.

SAM:
Why?

CHARLOTTE:
Because it's Christmas, Sam.

For God's sake,

it's Christmas.

You can't cook this away,

Charlotte.

People are going to look back

on tonight and realize

it was all a performance.

We should have, at least,

warned them

before they came.

No, but I want them to wanna come,

that's the whole point.

This is the only time of the

year when we're all together.

And it's our last chance

to feel like a family

before we tell them.

I want the kids

to have the memory

of one last perfect Christmas.

And I know that you think

that I'm ridiculous...

No, I don't think

you're being ridiculous.

Under the circumstances, yeah,

you are being a little ridiculous.

...Comfort and joy

Comfort and joy

Oh, tidings

Of comfort and joy

We clearly have a major

difference of opinion

and I can understand

why you are wrong.

If you treat them

like they're not resilient,

they're going to be

not resilient.

Hank is still reeling

from the divorce...

and you know...

I'm sorry, okay, go ahead.

No, you go ahead.

Rate this script:4.6 / 5 votes