Love the Coopers Page #3

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I'll listen.

Well...

I feel like a fraud.

The whole thing feels wrong.

I'm going to tell them the truth.

We'll all be together.

Wait a minute.

No, we made an agreement.

You cannot break an agreement,

mid-agreement.

I disagree.

No, you agreed to the agreement.

You agreed to one

last Christmas

and then you can

just move out.

You want to leave,

you can just go ahead and leave.

Hold on, you're the one

who chose not to go.

You don't care enough about

the marriage to make...

[MAN OVER PA] Will the parents of the

lost child in aisle seven

Please come up

to the front and claim her?

[MADISON OVER PA]

You're such a dick.

[GASPS]

Oh, my God.

[CAROL OF THE BELLS PLAYING]

NARRATOR:

Bo was on a mission.

He had to find the perfect

gift that would bring back his brother,

who had become an alien

since his parents' divorce.

That gift had to have

healing powers

and it had to be cheap.

He even sacrificed

his one-on-one with Santa.

Nothing about this mission

was easy.

But Bo would not be thwarted.

This is a whole

misunderstanding.

Look, I'm somebody's mother.

I have three kids.

They're teenagers.

They're teenagers.

Already, they don't

take me seriously.

My husband's

an ethics professor.

He'll never forgive me.

My entire family is coming over at 5:00

for Christmas dinner,

which I have to cook.

Please. Don't you have

any compassion?

So, it's all a misunderstanding?

Yes.

Okay. So, clear it up.

How'd the jewels

get in your mouth?

Right. This way.

I though it was a lozenge.

NARRATOR:
Shortly after his mother

moved out,

Charlie felt as unclaimed

as a lost Christmas package,

lying in the back corner

of the post office.

In spite of this,

he arrived at the mall,

vowing he would kiss Lauren Hesselberg,

once and for all,

or die trying.

[SNIFFING]

[SIGHING]

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

NARRATOR:
Unnerved, he began

to watch himself.

He told himself to coolly say,

"What's up, Lauren?

What's up?"

[VOICE CRACKING]

Hey, Lauren.

Hey, Charlie.

What you doing here?

I, I work here.

Of course.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

NARRATOR:
When, at last, he stood

in front of her,

a clear directive repeated

itself in his mind,

"Don't look at her b*obs.

"Do not look at her b*obs."

I love the way Stewart does a little

food dance when his meal arrives.

And how Sarah still puts

lipstick on for Hal.

I like the way Paula Anderson

rests her breasts on the table,

as if they were tired.

[BOTH LAUGH]

We were so sad to see you go,

Ruby. I'm gonna miss you.

Take care, okay?

HAL:
Merry Christmas.

RUBY:
Bye, guys.

You're going somewhere?

It's my last day.

What?

Yeah.

You tell the lady with the lipstick on

her teeth and you don't tell me?

I don't...

I didn't know how to tell you.

It's like that movie you gave

me, Born Yesterday, right,

when Billie Dawn walks

out on Harry Brock.

There's a better

kind of life than the one I got.

You told me,

right here, you said,

"Starting over, you could

be the hero of your own life."

You can be a hero, here.

[STUTTERING]

Where are you going?

Hot Coffee, Mississippi.

I found it on a map

when I was 14 years old.

It seems like the perfect place

for a waitress.

Look, I don't understand.

I'm confused.

You've never even been there.

It's the worst idea I've ever heard of.

But I... I want to start over.

I need...

I need a change.

No, no, no, no.

Leaving doesn't change anything.

Everything just

comes with you.

Hot Coffee, Mississippi?

That's a place?

It's like a line from a sitcom.

Bucky.

You're a bird watcher.

You watch us all from a distance.

We're just characters

that amuse you.

Not true.

You love everybody at arm's length,

keep it up and you'll

end up alone, Ruby.

That's a terrible thing

to say to me.

Well, it's a terrible

thing to watch.

It's very cowardly.

So, in other words,

you think that I'm a coward.

No. Not in other words,

those are the words.

You think you can run away,

hiding in Hot Chocolate?

You're a coward.

You can pay up front.

You tell everybody at the restaurant

you're leaving and you don't tell me.

[SOUL CAKE PLAYING]

May I ask you something?

Is this something that they teach

you at the Police Academy?

Or have you always

been a robot?

I can understand

that you need

professional distance

from a hardened criminal.

But when there's a poor,

downtrodden housewife,

sobbing in the back

of your car on Christmas,

one has to wonder.

I'm guessing it's something

they teach you.

No one's born that way.

NARRATOR:
Though Officer Williams never

engaged with suspects

in the back of his car,

Emma unknowingly

pierced his armor.

I'm not a robot.

What?

I have feelings, just

like everyone else.

Would you like

to talk about it?

I'm not talking to you.

[ROBOT VOICE] Take me to your leader.

Shut up.

Listen.

You landed in a pot of jam,

arresting me.

I've been a doctor

for 20 years.

People pay me a lot

to listen to their problems.

You're a head-shrinker?

NARRATOR:
What Emma did not know

was that Officer Williams

had once sought out counseling,

but couldn't get over the fact

that he would have to talk.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

And we're off, with Rudolph,

right here, to see Santa.

And Donner, and Vixen...

And Blitzen and Nixon...

[SILENT NIGHT BELLS DINGING]

Look at this.

It's beautiful.

NARRATOR:
Silent Night reminded

Charlotte of a part of herself

that now felt inescapably

out of her grasp.

She caroled to deflect

the fact that she missed that person...

as much as Sam did.

All is bright

Brown young virgin

Mother and child...

[CLEARING THROAT]

What?

Really? You think it's a song about

a brown young virgin?

And her mother

and her child.

Oh, my God.

I didn't write the song,

Charlotte.

Look, Sam,

I was a music teacher.

Round. That's what it is.

She's a round young virgin.

Yeah, it's much better.

Very Christmassy.

Oh! Oh. Yes.

Don't worry. We're going.

Off we go.

Next stop, where?

To see the one,

the only, Santa.

[BOTH CHEERING]

And Santa's

army of helpers.

CHARLOTTE:
Right.

SAM:
It's Santa's brothers.

SAM:
Anta, Janta, Mylanta...

[CAMERA CLICKING]

[CRYING]

[BOTH CRYING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRYING]

ELEANOR:
Oh, man,

look at that. They...

I love moments where people are

so unchecked, so unselfconscious.

[CHUCKLES]

I know. It's ridiculous.

I like watching people.

I just love that moment when

a face floods with feeling.

Oh, I get it. I do.

All right.

Hit the pool?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Oh, God.

Where'd you go? Bailey?

Bailey?

Oh, God, thank God.

I thought you were gone.

That is very effective camo.

All right.

Did you always want to

join the army?

Uh, it's a long story.

Oh.

Father in the military?

Mm-hmm.

Short story, really.

[LAUGHS]

It was the right

thing to do.

Hey, I admire it.

I can't imagine putting my life

on the line for anything.

What if I was wrong?

That certainty,

that's amazing.

Thank you.

In like a...

corporate-loving, government-trusting,

gung-ho kind of way.

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