Love the Coopers Page #4

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Uh-huh.

As opposed

to your mistrusting,

sideline-hugging,

passive sort of way.

Right.

Yeah.

How does your family

feel about you leaving?

They're happy I'm finally

getting my life together.

Oh.

Yeah. They haven't seen me

since I looked like...

This.

[GASPS]

Oh, wow!

That's an extreme

transformation!

That's incredible.

Can I keep this?

I'm going to need

to keep this. Wow!

[GOD REST YE

MERRY, GENTLEMEN PLAYING]

EMMA:
How long

have you felt robotic?

I don't.

I see, so you believe

you're in touch with your feelings then?

Yes.

Both of them?

Apparently...

I...

have trouble expressing myself

in relationships.

How old are you?

I just turned 40.

And, uh,

how's your sex life?

How's your sex life?

I have sex

with people, okay? But...

But you don't connect

emotionally?

And what's

your biggest fear?

I don't want to end up alone.

And gay.

What?

You're 40,

you're single.

"People" sleep with you?

Are you serious?

Are you gay?

No!

Only in bed.

You all right, Grandpa?

Yes, yes, exceptional.

Never better.

How did it go?

Exceptional.

Never better.

That bad?

Yeah, what the hell

am I going to do?

I got to find a job

by the new year.

You don't have to find a job

by the new year,

that's an arbitrary deadline.

You can find it January 11th,

March 17th,

it makes no difference.

I'll lend you the money.

I don't want to be

that guy.

I like that guy,

he's a very fine guy.

Now then, what shall

we get Charlotte?

Poinsettias or poinsettias?

How about poinsettias?

Good idea.

I got it,

I'll take care of it.

That's all right.

No, no, I got it.

I got it.

I got it!

Let me...

I got the god damned flowers!

You get the flowers.

$8.99.

I'll get that

back for you.

Hank, you don't have to hide

this from your family.

They're your family.

I don't want to

ruin Christmas for Mom.

Well, then tell Angie.

She will understand if the alimony is late.

No, I was a failure at marriage.

I refuse to be a failure at divorce.

You're not a failure.

Some marriages have a shelf life, that's all.

But you and Angie

were never happy.

Angie was always looking over her

shoulder for what she didn't have.

FOMO.

FOMO?

Fear of missing out.

We fought about it

all the time.

Look, I understand.

There's history there,

you were high school

sweethearts.

No, that...

That's not true.

We were not sweethearts.

That is family fiction.

We were lab partners.

We dissected rats together.

Then, out of nowhere...

band practice at Travis Howard's house,

Angie pounced on me...

while

My Sharona was playing.

I got as far as [SINGS] "My, my, my, my,"

and then, boom! Done.

I became a dad,

same day I failed Biology.

Listen, don't let this one moment

define your entire life.

I'm telling you this

from the heart now.

Angie talks while she chews

with her mouth wide open!

It's like a fireman's hose.

It speaks of her character.

She's worse than my Aunt Edna.

Look, Hank,

I had kids young, just like you did.

I had to raise them

while I was still raising myself.

Trust me, this is one small chapter

in your great, big life.

Go out and get some!

Just get some?

Get some.

It's... The thing is...

Yes?

You've only been with Angie?

Yes, that is the thing.

Mm-hmm.

This is solvable.

This is a solvable problem.

Doesn't it suck how we can

want to run from our families,

but impress them

at the same time?

I just disappoint mine.

I think the build up to

facing their disappointment

is actually the worst part.

"Anticappointment,"

I call it.

I can't face the

anticappointment.

Is that why

you're avoiding them?

I just hate the holidays.

I hate having to reduce

everything I'm doing

down to a sound byte

and then defend it.

And I just...

I hate reverting back to how

everyone saw me.

Maybe you should join the army.

Yeah.

Are you scared?

No.

Here.

Take that.

How about a little

Nina Simone?

[TO LOVE SOMEBODY PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

NARRATOR:
Even though he knew he would

never see her again,

Joe would always remember

this amazing moment,

that only happened in his mind.

You know what, Madison?

Guess what, you can really see

the North Pole from up here.

Did you know that?

This is your daddy's favorite

place in the whole wide world!

[GASPS]

Three for the red lane, please.

You know, or maybe

what we could do is

we could join Aunt Fishy for

a nice cup of hot cocoa.

What a wonderful view.

This was so much fun. Let's go.

Oh, come on.

We're not shooting her out of a cannon.

You used to love those.

Where is your sense

of adventure?

Buried in a good book?

No!

I am not, you are...

That's just ridiculous!

Come on, Madison. Let's just go.

We're gonna show him.

Nice and easy does it,

right, sweetheart?

[MOTOR REVVING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL YELLING]

Every time I go home, I'm told it's so

okay that I am not in a relationship.

It's so okay.

So, how come you're not?

How come you're not?

Who says I'm not?

Oh.

Ooh.

I'm not.

Yeah, I just wanted to see

your reaction if you thought I was.

Okay, Are you?

I don't know.

Sort of.

He couldn't get away

for the holidays.

Prison?

He's with his wife.

[LAUGHS]

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not the kind of

thing you'd want

to share with mom and dad, huh?

No, I don't like to brag.

Wait, look.

I don't believe

in marriage,

okay? Love fades.

Yeah, so?

Every time a face floods,

that's over a new relationship.

Right?

No.

Don't do that.

Don't throw me up to me.

Do you even know any

happily married people?

Yeah, my parents.

I mean, you know what

I'm worried about,

is that I'm never going to find

what they have.

I'm worried that I will.

The second we left the house,

my parents' marriage imploded.

They fight all the time now.

So do mine.

You just said they were happy.

Passionate.

Ugly.

Honest.

Heartbreaking.

So, who was he?

What?

This guy that messed with your head.

I mean it's got to be somebody right?

Otherwise, you wouldn't settle

for a married guy.

You think he's going to leave

his wife for you?

Nope. That was never

on the table.

And, besides,

we live in different states.

That's good.

Wouldn't want to go

wasting your life, right?

You want to know

what's a waste of a life?

A know-it-all with

a freshly shaved mullet,

who slaps on a uniform and thinks

it gives him the moral high ground.

When, really, he's just risking

his life to please his dad.

Best of luck.

EMMA:
Does your mother know?

She knew before I did.

How do you know?

Listen, if it's hard

to talk about,

maybe a little role-play

can free you up.

I could play your mom

and you be you.

Hi, sweetie!

Hi, Mom.

Stop. You're not

doing you right.

What?

You're not a robot yet.

You're still a little kid.

I'll be you, you be Mom.

Hi, Mom.

It was career day at school.

And Odell said that he wanted

to be a podiatrist like his dad.

And I said, I wanted to be...

Percy, don't gesture so much

when you talk.

Well, Kenisha said that

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