Love the Coopers Page #5

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she wanted to...

Percy, stop tilting your head.

Percy, stand with

your legs apart.

Percy, don't smile so big.

I said that I wanted to be...

An explorer.

And now you wear a "Do not

enter" sign across your chest.

You couldn't be a gay man,

so you became a stereotype of a man.

Oh, it's so sad.

The things we do

in our childhood,

just to fit in,

make us stand apart as adults.

Cold, hard truth is, when I was asked

what I wanted to be when I grew up,

I never said, "alone."

You feel alone

with three teenagers?

Oh, them. No. I lied.

I don't have any kids.

I don't even have a husband.

What?

Yeah. I knew you'd think,

"She's alone,

"she's not getting any younger.

Of course she'd swallow a brooch."

I opened up to you

and you lied to me.

No, I lied

before you opened up.

I would never lie to you now.

The conversation part

of this arrest is over.

[SAM AND CHARLOTTE LAUGHING]

CHARLOTTE:
What?

What?

That scream you made,

coming down the hill.

[CHARLOTTE LAUGHING]

Is that the Whitehead kid?

The one we used

to call Schnozzle?

Quick, quick,

what was his name?

Skippy.

Don't say. "Skippy"

CHARLOTTE:
Oh, here. Oh.

Hey. Think you can

drop me at the mall?

Get in.

All right.

Thanks.

CHARLOTTE:
Seriously,

what's his name? I can't remember.

SAM:
Schnozington.

Oh.

SAM:
Get in the back, Rags.

CHARLOTTE:
Does your mom know

you're out hitchhiking?

No, she took my keys away

when she caught me with pot in the car.

Well...

What?

It's not like we never

got stoned, Charlotte.

We grew up in the '60s.

[LAUGHS]

You grew up in the '60s?

Cool!

Hear that, Charlotte?

What?

Schnozzle Whitehead

thinks we're cool.

[SNICKERS]

Wait. What did you call me?

[BOTH MUMBLING]

Yeah we used to...

It was groovy.

We knocked around.

We went to concerts.

Charlotte met Bob Dylan.

Are you serious?

What was he like?

No, I only met him

for a couple of seconds.

Till security dragged you

off of him.

Were you guys hippies?

Yeah!

No.

What do you mean, "No"?

Oh, my God!

She used to speak

at rallies,

in front of anybody.

You should have heard her.

No, it's just that I liked

how loud my voice sounded

over the microphone.

It's nothing at all.

Oh, no. You were fearless,

man, you had passion.

I don't remember much

of that at all.

You don't remember that day?

No.

Really?

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

That was a long time ago,

when...

That was our...

first time, huh?

Your idea to go up

in the woods.

That was not.

I followed you, I did.

Oh, no, I followed you.

SAM:
I couldn't take

my eyes off you.

CHARLOTTE:

Yeah, neither could your dog.

Who could blame him?

You can just let me out here.

If you want.

Right here is good,

actually.

[FOLK MUSIC CONTINUES]

[GIRL OF THE NORTH COUNTRY PLAYING]

Look, I crossed the line.

I'm sorry.

All right.

I came on

a little strong.

No, I shouldn't have said that.

That was below the belt.

I wouldn't let it go.

It's on me. All right?

It's true.

It is your fault.

You're a total hussy.

Look, sometimes

things happen...

when you're not even

looking for it.

He tell you that?

Yeah.

Great.

Hey, I would love to have fallen

for someone as presentable as you.

Okay? Trust me.

No. You just want to fall for me

because you know I'm leaving.

Do you always speak

in country lyrics?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, it's been, um...

Exhausting.

Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Have a good...

Yeah, you too.

I'll think good thoughts

for you in the new year.

Oh, wow! You sound exactly

like my mom.

[LAUGHING]

Cool.

I have four sisters, so...

I can sound

like anyone's mom.

Oh, well,

mine would love you.

Anyway, bye.

Yup.

Come with me.

What?

Look, I know you don't know me,

you're not even sure if you like me, but...

be my boyfriend.

Uh...

Listen, I can't deal with that

look on their faces again.

Okay? Just be my boyfriend

for one night.

Oh, no way.

What are you going to do?

There's no flights

until morning.

Look at this, you're just going to spend

Christmas by yourself,

eating dinner

at Wetzel's Pretzels?

All right. Okay, stop! That's crazy.

You're being deployed.

You deserve a crazy,

pull out all the stops, home-cooked meal

and I can guarantee you that.

You would make

my parents so happy.

I mean, really, isn't it

the Christian thing to do?

Okay, well, fine, but...

It involves

a tiny white lie, yes.

But a lie

that provides comfort.

And it's really perfect

because you are going to war.

And, you know,

that's a win-win.

I'm just...

[PEOPLE GIGGLING]

Sorry.

Wow.

That is, kind of,

a beautiful moment.

Look, hey...

All we would

have to figure out

is how long

we've been together.

And what your name is.

CHARLIE:
I just got you...

It's Christmas, so,

I got you a mistletoe!

[LAUGHS]

It's lame, whatever,

I'm stupid.

NARRATOR:
Never having

French-kissed before,

Charlie felt Lauren's tongue

in his mouth

and he thought she was having

an epileptic seizure.

When he realized she wasn't,

his heart began to soar.

Francis, the mall cop,

contemplated breaking up the young couple,

not because they were kissing,

but because they were doing it so badly.

But, before he could,

not knowing why,

every kiss Francis had under

a mistletoe flashed before his eyes

like a Christmas gift.

Ugh.

Get out!

Get out of here!

Sorry.

Boo.

What's your problem, Lauren?

You're not such a dog.

What are you doing hanging

out with this pus-face here?

Shut up, Brady.

BRADY:
Ooh.

You're going to let your girlfriend

talk to me like that,

Blisters?

Huh, p*ssy?

Mommy ever teach you

about deodorant?

He doesn't smell

that bad, okay?

You smell a little bit,

but not that bad.

I smell?

BRADY:
I can smell you halfway

across the mall.

You leave my brother alone!

Oh, yeah? Make me.

[YELLS]

Yes!

Run!

NARRATOR:
This was the story

Bo would tell his friends for years.

Now, what really happened.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[THUD]

NARRATOR:
His mission to rescue

his brother abruptly terminated,

Bo sat empty handed,

contemplating the cataclysmic

consequences of his failure.

[LITTLE DRUMMER BOY PLAYING]

Okay, we met where?

Airport bar.

Too trashy.

Okay, how about where I do

volunteer work?

Okay, where do you volunteer?

I don't.

But I've always wanted to.

Now I don't have to.

Yeah, I don't think

just talking about volunteering counts.

Pretty sure it does.

Okay, how come

you never mentioned me?

You're a Republican.

When I first saw him,

I thought...

this is never going to work.

But, he was brave.

She was...

plucky.

[LAUGHS]

He uses words like, "plucky."

That laugh.

First time I heard it,

I was floored.

He was open in a way that

I never could be.

I wasn't even put off

by his faith.

I actually thought

it was kinda hot.

The whole time she talked

about "evolution,"

I wondered...

what it would be like

to touch her neck.

You have a great neck.

Oh.

I like the way he touches

his lower lip when he's feeling vulnerable.

I don't do that.

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