Lower Learning Page #8

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- Billings's voice: 40 thou.

- 45,

- and I get to see that big hog of yours.

- I'm on it.

(unzipping sound)

Billings's voice: Your hands

are so rough.

Okay, now let me see your vag.

(squishy sounds)

- (people groaning)

- Old Curt:
F***ing embarrassing.

It's gross.

- (Billings moaning)

- Parpadelle's voice: We got a deal.

That's enough.

Yeah, it sure is.

You disgust me, Miss Parpadelle.

Me too.

But you should really get that checked out.

I mean, that sounds horrible.

That's no way to talk

to the chairwoman of the school board.

Oh, I don't think you are

in any position to tell us

what to do, Miss Parpadelle.

Here's what's gonna happen:

You're going back to the board.

You're gonna tell them

that we are headed

in the right direction

and as of tomorrow we will be

under new management.

You're in

way over your head, Tom.

- Shut up, Harper.

- Okay.

And the tape?

You do all that

and I'll destroy the tape.

I'll take the tape.

The failed negotiator

learns to negotiate.

Touching.

And I'm assuming

you'll want the principal job?

Actually, no,

not even if you doubled

my miserable excuse

for a salary.

No no, I think

we need someone

from the outside,

someone who is smart,

passionate,

and has just been waiting

for the chance

to stand up

and prove themselves,

someone like you,

Rebecca.

Me?

She's just some drug-addled...

agh! Agh!

Is that all?

And show us your vag.

(all groan)

Okay, maybe that's...

no, we don't need to do that at all.

And your butthole!

Tom:
We don't need to see that either.

And your titties!

I'm so sorry.

I don't know what's happening.

We don't need to see any of that.

It's all inappropriate.

- We don't want to see...

- You have a deal, young man.

The school remains open.

(cheering)

Everybody shut up.

Good on you.

Are my eyes closed?

Are my eyes closed?

There are styrofoam peanuts in this.

Sh*t.

I think I'm ready for that beer now.

I think I'll buy it for you.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Radio announcer:
putting the handy

back in handicapped.

And breaking word on the story

we told you about this morning:

A scandal is unfolding

at Geraldine Ferraro Elementary

involving millions of dollars

of embezzled district money.

Police raided Principal Harper Billings's

condo late this afternoon.

Students and faculty

were victorious

in their fight to save the school

from closure

and they celebrated with a dance

in the school cafeteria.

- One...

- Two...

Three!

(sighs)

Hey.

You were really great out there, Frankie.

I know,

but that's how you separate a man

from a second-grader, right?

I have no idea, but it turns me on.

Say it slower, girl.

Hello, Nurse Gretchen.

Hi, Mr. Abernathy.

May I have this dance?

Sure.

Oh, sh*t. F***, yes.

Oh. Oh, f*** me, yes.

I thought you'd be totally

creeped out by me now, so I wasn't sure.

Yeah, well, Turner,

you are intense,

but you've got a lot of heart

and your students really love you.

I also love my turtles.

I know.

I love my turtles so much.

Okay, why don't we slow it up a bit,

take it one step at a time?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Whew.

Um...

Oh. Okay.

There.

(Gretchen chuckles)

(fast song playing)

# I was once a young man,

smart and patient #

# Went to work,

took an average vacation #

# Now I'm into booze and procrastination

'cause I'm in education #

# Look at me now,

barely paying my rent #

# Got 100 grand in gambling debt #

# Got a bottle of Jack

stashed in my desk #

# Yes, I'm in education #

# I'm an educator, baby,

a teacher of young minds #

# We're gonna watch "Big Lebowski"

today, kids #

# Suzie, shut the blinds #

# I phone in my lesson plan #

# I take three months of vacation #

# Yeah, I'm in education #

# Well, I teach my kids

to avoid drugs #

# But I got a closet

full of nugs #

# Got arrested for giving

a young girls a hug #

# Yep, I'm in education #

# Been divorced twice

for sleeping around #

# I'm wanted in two other towns #

# Just had sex

in the teachers' lounge #

# Yep, I'm in education #

# I'm an educator, baby,

a molder of young minds #

# I think we'll watch

"Three Amigos" #

# So, Suzie, shut the blinds #

# I'm completely underqualified #

# For this job I'm dead wrong #

# I phone in my lesson plan #

# And get drunk all summer long #

# Well, I organize field trips #

# To the beach #

# Sell kids cigarettes

for 25 each #

# They say, those who can't do well,

we teach #

# I said, yeah, I'm in education #

# Where every day I come in drunk #

# The kids' parents think

I'm a monk #

# If I took my own class

I'd probably flunk #

# Yep, I'm in education #

# Make 10 Gs a year,

I'm full of sorrow #

# My school's named after

Geraldine Ferraro #

# I know I owe you cash, kid,

I'll pay you tomorrow #

# I'm in education #

# I'm an educator, baby #

# A teacher of young minds #

# We're gonna watch

"Animal House," kids #

# Suzie, shut the blinds #

# I phone in my lesson plan #

# And get three months of vacation #

# Yeah, I'm in education #

# Well, our principal takes himself

chocolate baths #

# Let's blow off science

for some arts and crafts #

# Got a 9 on my SATs,

but I teach math #

# I'm in education #

# The day goes faster

when I'm on speed #

# 28, and I can barely read #

# But I'll give your kids

what they need #

# 'Cause I'm in education #

# Well, I'm off

to the teachers' lounge #

# For some masturbation #

# Yeah, I'm in education... #

E-D-U-K-A-S-H-U-N,

or something like that

How many years

till my tenure?

What?

God damn it.

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