Lucky Them Page #6

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I mean, no one answered

when I knocked.

I know how to break

into his room.

Done that before.

This used to be easier.

There is a door here...

That's unlocked.

Let's just... let's

go in this door.

It's exactly as I remember it.

It even smells the same.

Luckily, for the documentary,

I don't have smell-o-vision.

This is where I

lost my virginity.

Maybe that shouldn't go on

record.

Oh, no. That's great.

That's just the kind of, uh,

detail we're looking for in

hard-hitting documentary

filmmaking.

How was it?

Eh. What do you expect

for the first time?

How was yours?

Oh, man.

I lost my virginity

about 200 or 300 times.

Uh... just answer the question.

All right.

If you must know, I was 14.

It was our 46-year-old

Jamaican housekeeper.

What?!

She was very tender.

She had a lot of moles.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, I'm gonna leave you and

the ghost of Matthew

alone for a second.

I got to pee.

Holy sh*t.

I don't know he had these.

Hey, I just found a bunch

of issues of stax.

I think he was a subscriber from I think

he was a subscriber from way back.

His mom must have... sh*t.

Ellie?

Mr. Smith.

What are you doing in my house?

Uh, I just... I-I knocked on the

door, and there... there was

no answer, so I...

So you broke in.

Well, I thought you

might have moved or...

Oh, for the love of God.

Check it out... potty cam.

Who the hell is this?

This is, um... this is

Charlie.

He and I are making a

documentary together.

A documentary?

Oh. On that?

This is cutting-edge

Japanese technology, sir.

I am... I am so

sorry we broke in.

Obviously, it was a very stupid

idea.

I just want to apologize again.

I mean, it must be unpleasant to

be reminded of everything.

Yeah.

You guys know the way.

Yes.

And you have a beautiful home.

It's really lovely.

He always hated me.

Really? Why?

Yeah. I don't know.

He... he didn't want Matthew

to be famous, and I think he

thought I encouraged Matthew

too much with his music.

He held me responsible when...

He rebelled and left home and,

eventually, when he...

Would you come back with me

to my house?

I have something for the wedding

being delivered.

Ooh! Your tux?

No.

The ring?

No.

What? Cake?

No.

Lingerie?

No.

What is it?

$2,400. It's all there.

Is it one of those things

you can't get water on?

Uh, it's galagos bush baby.

He's endangered, though, right?

'Cause that's the

more expensive one?

Yeah, it's a girl,

actually, but, yes.

Does she get lonely in there?

Galagos is not puppies.

They don't want love.

They just want to be left alone.

Lucky them.

Oh, Lucas, it's, uh...

You-know-who calling you

again... and again and again.

Uh... just call me.

When do you start serving?

Good. Come in.

Oh, you look so nice.

Thank you.

You look quite elegant yourself.

Oh, yeah, that's me.

Have a seat.

What's happening?

Oh. I just needed to talk

about something before I

actually go through with this.

I'm not a religious guy, so I

hope you don't mind sitting

in for my confession.

I'd be honored.

It's dark and sordid.

Really?

No, not at all.

I'm excited.

You know, after I got

divorced, I went through...

A period of... failed

relationships.

And now, recently, I see you and

Lucas, realize that something's

missing in my life.

So I did something out

character, something

I'd never done before.

I called an escort service.

You'd never done that before?

No, no.

I was always too afraid that

something would go wrong.

Worry about diseases or...

Of course.

They're everywhere.

No, it was more the

protocol of it all.

If you don't take up all your

time, do you get to snuggle

for the rest of the hour?

Or if you need more

time, do you pay extra?

If you run over, is there a

bell, and they just

shove you off of them?

There's a bell?

As it turns out, there was

not a bell, which was a relief.

But one night...

...there was a knock at the

door, and I opened it.

And... and there

stood Charlotte.

Wow.

I thought she was a socialite.

Like, all the charity work

and... she loves animals.

She has a big heart.

She wasn't cut out

for that life.

She said that I was her first

client as a prostitute.

I'm not naive, but... yeah.

Anyway, I love her.

And, uh... I'm gonna marry her.

I don't know, Ellie.

I know I'm not a deep guy, but

I'm not a shallow guy, either.

Eh, what can I say?

Life's pretty weird.

I got to agree.

So, here before your family

and friends and everyone who

knows you best, I pronounce

you husband and wife.

You may kiss the each other.

Where's Lucas?

I haven't heard from

him in two days.

Well, just pick somebody out.

There's a lot of guys here, a

lot of available man cake.

You can do a lot of damage

with some of these guys.

Charlie.

Come on. Piece of man cake.

You see that big hunk of

rock 'n' roll man back there?

Are you calling him rock 'n'

roll because of his hair?

No, seriously, that's

my buddy Craig.

He's a good guy.

I'll hook it up.

No. Charlie, no.

Why not?

He's a good guy.

You and Craig.

Charlie, no.

You and Craig.

You and Craig!

Yes, I have the jaw

of a superhero.

Yes, I could light up a

dark room with my smile.

Yes, I have the hair

of an '80s rock star.

But this... this is what

I'm really proud of.

This is God-given.

I can't do anything about this,

but this, I feel, is... is

something that I've... I've earned

through hard work and determination.

And I'll tell you something else

that I think is going to impress

you.

What is that?

I am 14 credits away from an

online degree... from the

university of Phoenix no less...

To be a therapist.

Wow.

A licensed,

accredited therapist.

Okay. I am gonna let you give

me a free like five-minute

consultation.

How do you feel about that?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, so, I have this

boyfriend... or maybe had.

And, uh, well, he was supposed

to meet me here.

But I think the gig is up.

Ah! See?

Now, why do you call it a gig?

See, gig is a very

temporary term.

It's very, uh, transient.

It's here today, gone tomorrow.

I think that you get on that

stage knowing that you're going

to get off that stage quickly.

Quickly, like maybe after a

couple of songs, hmm?

Are we, uh... are

they still serving?

I mean, either whiskey or cake

or... something sweet.

Oh, here we go.

Charlie, what is this?

Well, Charlotte, it's

something that I know you've

always wanted and thought you

would never, ever get

in this lifetime.

From the Galapagos islands in

the South pacific...

It's so beautiful!

Oh, God. Is it dead?

Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

Hey. Surprise.

What are you doing here?

Uh... this... this was our

plan... I thought.

You didn't... you

didn't even show.

You didn't call me back.

Yeah, well, I got held up.

Well, some of us know some of

us.

Um, who is this?

He's sort of my... therapist.

Great.

You two should probably talk.

No, no, no.

You stay right there.

I mean, what could possibly be

said that could make this any

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