Lust for Life Page #2

I don't know.

We've grown apart, Theo.

Look, you found what you wanted in Paris

and I'm glad for you.

I've found nothing anywhere.

I've made one bad start after another.

One mess after another.

I thought I was on my way here

by doing God's work.

That was the worst failure of all.

But no matter how often I fail,

there is something in me.

- That I am good for something.

- But this is not the way to find it.

Hiding away here, wasting your time.

You've become an idler.

An idler? Yes.

But there are two kinds of idlers.

There's the man who's idle

because he wants to be, out of laziness.

How easy that is. I envy him.

There's the other kind...

the man who's idle in spite of himself.

I want nothing but to work.

Only, I can't.

I'm in a cage, a cage of shame

and self-doubt and failure.

Somebody believe me.

I'm caged. I'm alone.

I'm frightened.

Vincent, listen to me.

When we were children,

I used to follow you about.

If I was frightened, I'd run to look for you.

If I got lost, you'd always come to find me.

We're still brothers, we're friends...

we can trust one another.

That's stronger than any cage.

Whatever you do, from now on,

wherever you go...

promise me, make me part of it.

Don't ever cut yourself off from me again.

- What is it?

- My pipe.

Let me take you home...

where you can live and be cared for.

Until you find your way.

Tell me, if you were me...

which would you want

to have your money in?

These are both accredited canvases.

Both were exhibited in last year's salon.

Perhaps you'd prefer to be left alone

for a moment to make your choice.

I shall be in the next room.

Dear Theo...

you were right. It's so good to be home.

To live in peace for a time.

Once again, thanks to you,

life seems precious to me.

Something to be valued and loved.

Once again I'm working.

You know how for years,

whenever I saw anything that moved me...

I felt the need to draw it.

To get it down on paper,

no matter how crudely.

Now, for the first time,

I've begun to wonder...

could this be the way for me?

A man or a woman at work.

Some furrows in a plowed field.

A bit of sand, sea, or sky.

These are subjects so difficult,

and at the same time, so beautiful...

that it's worth spending one's whole life...

trying to capture the poetry

that's hidden in them.

Vincent, have you lost all track of time?

Father's upset,

we're practically through dinner.

You go ahead. I just want to finish this.

Couldn't you try to be on time

just once in a while?

Especially with Cousin Kay here.

She brought little Jan with her.

And, Vincent, try not to argue with Father.

Not today.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Vincent, aren't you going to say hello

to your cousin Kay?

Hello, cousin.

Hello, Kay.

You must pardon Vincent.

He's so interested in his new work,

he forgets where he is sometimes.

- Vincent is an artist these days.

- Draws on paper.

Lovely things:
Swamps, woods, people...

He's made a drawing of me.

He makes us all pose for him.

If you don't watch out,

he'll make you pose, too, cousin.

And Jan.

You should see the way

he makes people look.

Vincent, you're looking at me

as though you've never seen me before.

It's been a long time.

Not since before Vos died.

I'm sorry.

I guess I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Even though it's been almost a year.

Vincent.

One doesn't measure such things

in weeks and months, Vincent.

No, of course not. See, I only meant that...

I was gonna write to you, Cousin Kay,

but I'm not very good at those things...

and then so much time went by that I...

Jan's being very quiet.

I hope he's not getting up to any mischief.

Excuse me.

- Vincent, really...

- Couldn't you see how she felt?

You know how it was with her and Vos?

It's not right to grieve that long.

God didn't intend the living

to mourn forever.

I hardly think you're the best judge

of God's intentions.

Do you realize you haven't been to church

once since you got back?

You, the minister's son.

What do you think

they're saying in the village?

I act out of my beliefs, Father.

Not because I want to please the village.

I happen not to believe

in the God or the clergymen.

For me, he's as dead as a doornail.

Children, if you've finished,

leave the table, please.

Go into the other room.

Vincent, before the children?

Do you realize what you said?

Yes, Mother. But I must say what I feel.

I'm not an atheist. I do believe in God.

A God of love, Father, and I believe

there are many ways to serve him.

One man does it from a pulpit,

another through a book or a painting.

Let's not discuss it.

I'm sorry, Father,

but I was just telling you my opinion.

Did you have a good morning

in the fields, Vincent?

Like any other.

Do you feel the drawing's going well?

You work so hard and...

I can't help noticing

you go over and over your drawings...

and often as not, you throw them away.

What Mother means is, we'd hate

to see you keep struggling, Vincent...

only to realize in the end,

it was just another failure.

Maybe he could visit Cousin Mauve

in The Hague. He's a successful artist.

Ask him his opinion of your drawings.

I'm sure he'd be glad to help you.

I'm not ready to show my work to Mauve.

When I am, I'll go to him.

I'm sorry, Vincent.

- How's Jan?

- He's all right. Thank you.

I'm glad you're here, Kay.

Please, Theo, send more paper

and drawing ink.

I'm afraid I quickly used up

what you sent last month.

As I work at my drawings day after day...

what seemed unattainable before...

is now gradually becoming possible.

Slowly, I'm learning

to observe and measure.

I don't stand quite so helpless

before nature any longer.

Come on, Jan, you rascal.

I know there's still something

harsh and stiff in my style.

Although, to tell the truth, I believe

the presence of Kay here this summer...

is beginning to have a softening influence

on my work.

Time for your nap, now.

There we go. Cover you up.

He fell asleep almost as soon

as I put him down. Thank you.

He's getting to be such a boy.

It's been a wonderful summer

for him here.

It's been a wonderful summer.

- How did it go today? Well?

- When you're with me, it always goes well.

I'm glad, Vincent.

You work so hard.

I see your light on often,

halfway through the night.

There's so much to learn,

not only about drawing, but people.

How they feel and think,

the world they live in.

Before you can paint them,

you have to know that, too.

So I read everything

I can get my hands on.

Dickens, Zola, Michelet.

You know what Michelet says?

"Blessed is the man

who's found his worth...

"and one woman to love."

- I need love, Kay.

- Of course you do.

I need it to be myself,

to be able to breathe it.

I want a home. I want children.

Vos felt the same way. He made

Jan and me the center of his existence.

- Nothing else counted for him...

- Stop talking about Vos. He's dead.

And we're alive, Kay. In the present.

The present.

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