MacGruber

Right on time.

Zeke! Hurry the f*** up!

Almost there!

Nighty-night.

Open it.

Load it up.

Sorry, I don't

speak Russian.

Wait!

MacGruber

Making life-saving inventions

out of household materials

MacGruber

Getting in and out

of ultra-sticky situations

MacGruber

The guy's a f***ing genius

MacGruber

MacGruber

He made a f***ing movie

MacGruber

Sir, I still don't

understand why we had

to come all

the way out here.

Because, Lieutenant,

we need the best.

And this guy's

that good?

Yeah. He's that good.

Then why isn't he

on active duty?

Because

he's been dead

for 10 years.

Hello, Colonel.

Hello, MacGruber.

MacGruber?

How did you find me?

You forget I taught you

everything you know.

Not everything, Colonel.

Hello, Jim.

MacGruber.

This is Lieutenant Dixon

Piper. Lieutenant, this is...

The legendary

MacGruber.

Former Navy SEAL, Army

Ranger and Green Beret.

Served six tours in Desert

Storm, four in Bosnia,

three each in Angola, Somalia,

Mozambique, Nicaragua and Sierra Leone.

Recipient of sixteen

Purple Hearts,

three Congressional

Medals of Honor,

seven Presidential

Medals of Bravery,

and starting tight end for the

University of Texas, El Paso.

That was

a long time ago.

Listen, Mac...

Colonel, with

all due respect,

whatever it is

you're here for,

the answer is no.

My life is here now. Everything

I care about is in these walls.

I'm a man of peace. This is

my home, these are my people.

Hey, hey! Sh*t!

He'll give it back.

Look, MacGruber. Two

days ago, a Russian convoy

carrying the X-5 nuclear

warhead got jacked.

Yesterday, reliable sources informed

us it made its way to US soil.

That's not

my problem anymore.

MacGruber, the X-5 is one of

the most powerful nuclear...

Yeah, I know

what the X-5 is.

Lieutenant, give us

a minute, will you?

Yes, sir.

Mac, you're

our only hope.

Your country needs you.

I think I've given more than

enough to my country already.

Mac, if this is

about Casey, she...

It's not about Casey. It's

about a promise I made to myself.

Listen to me, Mac.

No, you listen!

I'm out of the game.

Well, the game has changed.

But the players are the same.

MacGruber,

it's Cunth.

What?

We have reason

to believe

the X-5 is now in the

possession of Dieter Von Cunth.

Cunth.

Mac.

This is your chance

to finally take him down.

Sorry, Jim.

I can't do it.

If you

change your mind...

Lieutenant.

Do you,

Casey Janine Fitzpatrick,

take MacGruber to be your

lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, MacGruber, take

Casey Janine Fitzpatrick...

F*** you.

...to be your

lawfully wedded wife?

Casey!

MacGruber!

I'm in.

What?

I'm in.

MacGruber.

Thank God.

Your God can't help you,

Jim. But I can.

So what do we

know so far?

Very little,

unfortunately.

We think Cunth smuggled

the X-5 into the US,

but we lost the trail before we

could pin any hard evidence on him.

I was actually talking

to the Colonel. Colonel?

Everything Piper

just said is correct.

Thank you, Colonel.

Well, then,

if you'll excuse me,

it's time to go

pound some Cunth.

Mac. It's not

that easy.

Sure, to us, he's a black market

arms dealer. But to everyone else,

he's become

a respected businessman

and a major

political donor.

He's untouchable.

Oh, I'll touch him, rookie.

I'll touch him

wherever I want.

Now, Mac, one thing we

have working in our favor

is that Cunth needs passcodes

to make the X-5 operational.

It is imperative that Cunth

does not get those codes.

Oh, thanks. Because

before you said something,

I thought it'd be fine

if he got them.

Now, I'm not gonna

lie to you, Mac.

This is a very tall order.

Word on the street is

Cunth's put together a team

of the most ruthless criminals

this planet has to offer.

Zeke Pleshette. Constantine

Bach. The Culebra brothers.

It's a veritable

dream team of killers.

Well, then, I'll just have to

put together my own dream team

of killer-stoppers.

Regarding that, Mac,

Lieutenant Piper here is

one of the best men we have.

He'll be your

second-in-command on this thing.

I got a better idea.

No f***ing way.

MacGruber, I know I'm

not what you expected.

Let me guess.

One year out of the academy,

zero combat experience,

little punk thinks

his sh*t don't stink.

Well, just to

let you know,

your sh*t does stink.

It stinks like sh*t.

If you'll just

give me a shot.

Give this a shot.

My fricking nose!

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's time to round up

a real team.

A**hole.

I got it, Rico.

I got it.

Same old Frank. Always

wants to go it alone.

MacGruber.

Man, I thought

you were dead.

Last time I saw you, you had

a grenade launcher in one hand

and an M-16

in the other.

And you had just ripped a dude's

throat out with your bare hands.

Classic MacGruber.

So, looks like you're

keeping your bod pretty tight.

You're looking

pretty good yourself.

Well, every day's

a workout

when you gotta carry around a

20-pound python in your jeans.

You and your dick comments.

It's fun to say them.

It's fun to hear them.

That's why I say them.

And that's

why I listen.

Wow, we had some good

times together, didn't we?

We had some

great times.

We're about to

have some more.

Uh-oh! I know that look.

I need you, Frank.

It's serious.

I'm putting together

a team.

Then I'm in.

Two is a wonderful number

And three is a crowd,

that's true

But four is the perfect

number for sure

If it's two kids and me

and you

I love you.

That was beautiful, Vicki.

MacGruber. I thought

you were dead.

So did I.

But I'm not.

I'm alive and I'm

putting together a team.

Good for you.

No, good for us.

And good for America.

And good for fans

of justice and truth.

Because you're

on that team.

I can't.

Just give me one

good reason, Vick.

I do.

And do you, MacGruber, take

Casey Janine Fitzpatrick

to be your lawfully

wedded wife?

No!

I lost my best

friend that day.

I did, too.

And now we have

a chance to get revenge.

Revenge?

It's Cunth.

I'm sorry, I've started over.

My life is my music now.

If you change

your mind.

It was good

to see you, Vicki.

Is everything

on schedule?

Yes, sir. We should have

the passcodes by Tuesday.

Wonderful.

Beautiful.

Have you ever

been to D.C.?

No, sir, I haven't.

I was talking

to the missile.

All right, you guys strapped in?

Yes! Tag 'em and bag 'em, MacGruber!

Yeah!

Just like old times!

Sh*t. I gotta go

deal with the brass.

F*** the brass!

Let's go, man.

Hang tight.

F*** the brass!

F*** the brass!

F*** the brass!

One second, Grubes.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, sir. Well, we got MacGruber

on this team right in front of us.

No, we're certain

it's Cunth.

How's your nose,

rookie?

It's fine. I just banged

it into a giant vagina.

So, my face

is a vagina, huh?

Well, I bet you wish

your nose was a dick,

so you could use it

to f*** butts.

I forget. The last time I saw you,

did I remember to tell you

how ugly I think you are?

No, you didn't. Well, I

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