MacGruber Page #2

think you're really ugly.

I think you're looking in

the mirror. You want to go?

Any time,

any place.

I'm starting

to like this guy.

Just kidding.

I still hate you.

Well, I hate you.

You want to go?

Hey, guys, guys. Guys, guys,

guys, guys, guys. Cool it.

So, MacGruber, we understand

you've recruited quite a team.

Quite a team? Yeah,

you could say that.

Frank Korver, Tanker Lutz, Tut Beemer,

Tug Phelps, Vernon Freedom, moi.

Yeah, I'd say

it's a pretty good team.

Look, Mac, are you sure

you won't change your mind

about letting Piper

here join you?

He'd make

a hell of an asset.

Oh, I would love to,

but the van's pretty full.

You see, it's filled

with American heroes

with over a hundred years

of combined combat experience

and a whole lot

of brotherhood.

And no, you can't

ride in the trunk, bud!

'Cause the trunk is filled with over

75 pounds of homemade C-4 explosive

that I personally packed

in there with my own two...

Oh, f***!

No, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

Tut, Tug!

You guys okay?

Oh, somebody's

gotta be in there!

Oh! Oh!

Call 911! Call 911!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

They were nice funerals.

Yeah. What did you

think of my eulogies?

Very touching.

I might have cut back

on the F-words a little.

Well, they were

f***ing great guys.

And this is a f***ing

a**hole of a day.

I know.

It's just that their kids were there.

They laughed.

Because of your use

of heavy language.

Well, f*** 'em.

I should have

been in that van.

But you weren't.

No, I wasn't.

And nobody's gonna regret

that more than Cunth.

MacGruber, about that.

Look, I'm taking you

off the case.

I'm sorry, I must

have heard wrong.

'Cause I thought

I just heard you say,

"MacGruber, about that.

"Look, I'm taking you

off the case."

That's exactly

what I said.

Damn it, Jim.

You can't do that. Okay?

I'm the best

chance you got.

You told me yourself

at the monastery.

But the game has changed!

But the players

are the same!

Mac, I got no choice.

Look, you've been through

a very traumatic experience.

You're too close.

And without a team

behind you,

I just can't chance it.

I'm sorry, Grubes.

Sir, I just...

Piper.

Where's the Colonel?

You gotta help me. They want

to kick me off the mission.

Well, under

the circumstances...

F*** you, d*ckhead!

All right.

Wait, wait, wait! I didn't

mean that. I didn't mean that.

What do you want,

MacGruber?

Join my team.

What?

Join my new team, and tell

the Colonel I can do this.

I can't do that.

Okay, don't make

me beg here.

'Cause I will do it.

I am so sorry.

I'm so goddamn sorry.

Look, I'm freaking

out here.

I killed them.

I killed them all!

I'm so f***ing stupid!

I don't know what I'm doing

and everybody hates me!

Look, I will

suck your dick.

I will suck

your f***ing dick.

I will do it,

just join my team.

I'll suck your dick.

You can f*** me

or get f***ed by me.

You can watch me

f*** something.

Just point at something in the

room and I'll f*** it for you.

Come on, just tell me

what you want me to f***!

Jesus Christ, MacGruber.

Just tell me

what you want me to f***.

Okay, I don't have any lubricant.

Do you see any Wite-Out?

Or, like, copy toner

should work, or...

Put your pants back on.

What are you doing?

I don't know!

I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm so f***ed here!

I am so f***ed.

Come on, MacGruber.

It's not so bad.

Oh, it's not?

The man who

killed my wife

is in control of

a nuclear warhead,

and I can't do a goddamn thing about it!

And it's not so bad?

Cunth killed your wife?

It was never proven

in a court of law,

but I saw it

with my own eyes.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

This mission was

my chance to do

what I should have

done 10 years ago.

And I blew it.

MacGruber, we have a

chopper waiting to take you

back to Ecuador.

Well, Colonel, I'm sorry I let you down.

Piper.

I'm in.

Lieutenant?

I'm in. I'm on the team. Really?

Sorry, Lieutenant. Two

people don't make a team.

But three do.

Vicki?

I heard about

what happened.

I thought you could

use some help.

What about your music?

It can wait

Dixon Piper,

Vicki St. Elmo.

Hi.

Well, Colonel, looks like

I got myself a new team.

Looks like you do,

MacGruber.

Looks like you do.

What are we doing

here, MacGruber?

Well, it's simple,

Vicki.

Cunth owns this place,

so if we wanna find out where

that passcode deal is going down,

we gotta turn

over some stones.

Nice car, d*ckhead!

F*** you!

K- F-B-R-3-9-2.

K- F-B-R-3-9-2.

So we're gonna see if we

can't make some contacts,

gather some intel?

Something like that.

K- F-B-R-3-9-2.

Can I help you, bro?

Yeah, I'll have the X-5.

He doesn't know anything. Come on.

Turn off the music.

Turn off the music!

Turn off the f***ing music,

or I will kill this woman!

I'll do it. I'll kill her.

I will snap her neck.

Don't worry. She's with me. She's safe.

Hi.

But I can't say the same

about the rest of you!

Whoa! Son of a b*tch!

I'm sure that some of you

guys are just here on vay-cay.

But most of you are

big pieces of sh*t

who are somehow connected

to Dieter Von Cunth.

Now, this guy is up to something

incredibly illegal and astoundingly deadly.

"Allegedly." I should say

that for legal purposes.

But don't worry.

'Cause I am coming for him,

and I am going to kill him.

Who am I,

you ask?

My name is MacGruber.

Remember that name!

Capital M-A-C-capital G

- R-U-B-E-R!

Anyone wants

to come find me,

I will be at the Gold Street

Cafe tomorrow at 2:00 p. M.

Please spread the word,

ya frigging turds.

Whoo! Whoo!

That went great.

That was f***ing tits.

MacGruber, what

the hell was that?

It's called

"sending a message."

And I think it will be

received loud and clear.

That's what

I'm worried about.

Why?

Because he thought

you were dead.

That was a huge advantage.

Yeah, and now he's going

to be coming for us.

Exactly. It's all

part of the plan.

What is the plan?

I kind of make it

up as I go.

That's not really

a plan, then.

Okay, so it's not a plan.

Look, I'm not good with plans.

And I'm not good

with clues.

What I am good with is kicking

ass and ripping throats.

So Cunth is gonna come

after me? Well, bring it on.

'Cause then he'll be on

my turf, playing my game.

And that's not a game I

plan on losing. Let's go.

K- F-B-R-3-9-2. K-

F-B-R-3-9-2. K- F-B-R-3-9-2.

Wetter. More.

Sorry to disturb you,

Dr. Cunth.

Shoes.

Sorry, sir.

What is it?

Some lunatic smashed up

the club last night.

He said he was

coming after you.

Oh, I'm terrified.

Said his name

was MacGruber.

MacGruber?

Well, well, well.

Alive after

all these years.

MacGruber, MacGruber.

Bring him in.

I don't have him, sir.

You let him go?

They didn't feel he

posed any real threat.

They actually thought

he was mentally handicapped.

No real threat.

Let me ask

you a question.

Do you remember the assassination

of President Jimmy Carter?

No, sir, but that

never happened.

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