MacGruber Page #3

No, it didn't.

Do not underestimate

this man.

He can be quite

a fly in the ointment.

Understood. So what

would you like us to do?

Round up a couple

of flyswatters.

Yes, sir.

MacGruber, your toilet is disgusting.

Gotcha!

It's pretty good, huh?

Can we talk

about this, please?

Well, there's nothing

to talk about.

Everybody knows

that rats like cheese.

And you, Vicki,

are the cheese.

But you're the one

he wants to come after.

Why can't you be

dressed like you?

Because...

You are.

I have to say, I have some serious

concerns about this operation.

If you think that I would

let that monster Cunth

touch one hair

on Vicki's head,

then you're

sorely mistaken.

Thank you.

He'll get close to her,

possibly dangerously close.

And of course, in this line of

business, anything can happen.

But I know that Vicki

can take care of herself.

Are you sure

this is gonna work?

Don't worry.

When you turn around

at gunpoint,

and they see that

it's not me,

they are gonna

be so furious,

they're not gonna

know what to do.

And that's when

we got them.

Hmm.

What?

You just look

really pretty.

Thank you?

Come on, Piper.

Come on, MacGruber.

All right, Vick. If we're

gonna draw this bastard out,

he's gotta think he's got eyes

on the real live MacGruber.

Okay.

Okay, don't worry,

we got your back.

We're only seven blocks away,

so if anything goes down...

Seven blocks?

Okay, you got me.

About 20 blocks.

But if anything goes down,

we'll be right there.

Wasn't anything closer?

Nope. There were tons of spots closer.

Yeah, with meters.

Fine. Look, I don't think I

should be talking to you anymore,

because people are gonna be staring at me

and thinking that I'm talking to myself.

And I don't want

to attract attention.

And I'm at the counter,

so just gonna order now.

Can I help you?

Can I have

a small latte?

No, no, no.

MacGruber would

never order that.

I'm all about

the large Tazo tea.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Can I change that?

Can I get

a large Tazo tea?

Sure. Anything else?

No!

No!

Sorry.

Can I get your name?

I'll let you take

this one, Vick.

Um... MacGruber.

Good job.

It's gonna be $3.45.

Yes, it is. That's what

it is every time I get it.

Thanks.

No, Vicki, no tip. What are

you doing? Get that tip back.

I have to...

I'm sorry.

No, say you're not sorry.

I'm not...

I'm not sorry.

I mean, I'm sorry.

As me, I'm sorry.

Wow.

Okay, now why don't you move

down to the end of the counter?

Further. Further...

Stop! Stop!

MacGruber.

That's me.

Now, here is the most important

thing. Listen carefully.

With your left hand, lift

the cup up to your mouth.

Open your lips,

then tilt the cup back

until the liquid...

Down, down, down!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna die!

Hand me that

Incredi-Mop!

I'm a little busy

at the moment!

Hand me that Incredi-Mop,

and that is an order!

Fine!

No!

Oh, my God! No!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

Vicki? Oh, my God! You're alive?

Yeah, we're alive. We're coming

over there. Meet us out in the alley.

Okay.

My teammates

were getting shot.

They're alive.

They made it.

Thank you.

That was nice work

with that Incredi-Mop.

Yeah, it would be a good

commercial for their product.

I'm not so sure

that it would be.

Hoss Bender. Dead at the

age of who-the-f***-cares.

MacGruber!

Vicki.

Ooh.

MacGruber, I was

so worried about you.

Well, I was really worried

about you, too, Vick.

Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I only have,

like, two of these vests,

so if either of them

got shot up,

it would be a real

bummer for me.

I mean, they're

not expensive.

But they're really hard

to find. Yeah, I got it.

Hey, guys!

I found Hoss' car.

Oh, mama!

That's a whole

lot of wampum.

He's got every strip club

in the city in his GPS.

Hoss Bender, what the hell

are you planning on doing

with all this money?

I think it's

fairly obvious.

He was going to use it

to buy the pass...

Buy the passcodes! Yup.

Got there at

the same time,

maybe even slightly

before you.

Yep, he's gonna use it

to buy the passcodes.

This is weird.

He has an appointment this

afternoon, and all it says is "STD."

Been there.

STD is also code for the

old Stansfield rail yard,

which is about

10 miles from here.

I'm just going to pop

that into this GPS.

Yeah, pop it in.

Well, what do you know?

It's already routed.

What do you say we go get

ourselves some passcodes?

Yeah, but if Hoss doesn't show

up, they'll abort the drop.

Who said Hoss isn't

gonna show up?

Okay, now, before we

do this, any questions?

Why do I have

to be Hoss?

Because you're good

at what you do.

And why do I

have to be you?

First of all, you will never

be me. And second of all...

I forget your question.

Okay.

So it looks like we're

dealing with three guards here.

Then

it's three on three.

Okay, so once we take

out the guards,

Vicki will walk in

dressed as Hoss,

and then we'll just,

you know,

see what happens.

You ready?

Wait.

Wait, so we're just

gonna wing it?

Piper, there's a big

difference between winging it

and seeing

what happens.

Now let's see

what happens.

No, thanks.

What?

MacGrubie don't

play like Homey.

And Homey don't

play like that.

I'm sorry, I don't

understand what you're saying.

I'm saying

I don't use guns.

So it's true what

they say about you.

Guns are for the weak.

Guns are for the stupid.

No offense.

Let's see,

what do we got in here?

A piece of cloth,

a spool, a tennis ball...

What are you doing?

Making a little distraction.

What the hell is that?

What the f***?

Now!

Jesus.

Now! Now! Now!

Yes!

I gotta admit,

that sort of worked.

Sort of worked? I just

killed three bad guys.

They're dead

because I shot them.

Because they

were distracted.

Okay, now,

piece of advice.

When you use

the old celery trick,

you're gonna wanna go

with the thick end.

Seems counter-intuitive,

but if you go

thin end first,

it just slides right out and you're...

You're wasting your time.

I'm never, ever

gonna do that.

Never ever say, "Never

ever. " Okay, follow me.

That's Constantine Bach

and Zeke Pleshette.

And if I'm not mistaken,

which I never am,

that briefcase-carrying pile

of sh*t has the passcodes.

All right, Vick,

it's go time.

Do I really

have to do this?

Nice one, Vick.

Start walking.

Okay, I'm walking.

Nothing bad has

happened yet.

I'm still alive.

Look, you're

gonna be fine.

This is just

like Nicaragua.

I got shot in Nicaragua.

Don't worry, this is

nothing like Nicaragua.

Okay.

Okay, I think I see you

through the window.

Now just walk on in here,

and, I don't know,

fingers crossed.

This is so exciting.

Okay, now head through

the entrance, slowly.

And don't worry.

Remember, they think

you're Hoss Bender,

so it's gonna take them

a little while to...

That's not Hoss!

Oh, my God!

Sh*t!

What are you doing?

Making a homemade grenade!

Can I borrow your gun? I need

something to stir this with.

Rate this script:4.0 / 1 vote