MacGruber Page #4

No! I'm using it!

Use your finger!

Watch your tone!

Oh, hold on! Don't

worry, I got this one.

Damn it, they got

the passcodes!

Hey, guys?

Vicki! You all right?

I lost the money.

And I peed my jeans.

Sorry.

I peed them.

Gross.

I washed it.

I didn't.

Looks like this cell phone's all we got.

Then we better make

the most of it.

'Cause at this point, this is

our only connection to the X-5.

Holy sh*t! It's ringing!

Vicki, call tracer.

Call tracer.

Set to jet,

MacGruber.

Now remember, MacGruber,

you gotta keep him on the line

long enough to get a location.

Don't worry. I've done this before.

Listen to me, you piece of

sh*t. Hoss and Zeke are dead,

and if you don't tell me who this is...

He hung up.

Did you get it?

No.

Wow.

Damn it. Is that

thing working?

Yeah. But you gotta keep them on

the phone for at least 20 seconds.

That was 20.

That was maybe three.

Sh*t! You're right.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Second chance!

In your face!

Listen to me, you piece of

sh*t. Hoss and Zeke are...

That's my phone.

Talk to me.

MacGruber, it's Faith.

Colonel!

How's it going?

What's the mission status?

Positively banging,

Colonel. Right, guys?

Oh, they're jazzed. How's

everything at the P-Gon?

Well, we do

have one lead.

You probably already

know about it.

Cunth's having a fundraising

event at his mansion tonight.

We do know

about Cunth's party,

and we will be there

with bells on.

Absolutely not,

MacGruber.

Sir, I'm not

gonna wear bells.

No, Mac. You are not

to enter that party.

Right now, Cunth has no

idea you're even alive

and that is a huge

advantage to us.

Yes.

This is surveillance only.

I want to know exactly who

comes through that door.

Is that clear?

Loud and.

So, Cunth is

having a party?

Yeah, he is.

And guess who just

made the guest list.

Guess who just made

the guest list.

Us?

Yes.

For the record, I think

this is a really stupid move.

Don't worry, I'm gonna

keep a real low profile.

May I take your coat?

No.

Your car stereo?

Nice try.

Okay, I think our

definitions of low profile

might be a little

different.

You think?

Where's Vicki?

She arrived 10 minutes

ago. She's out back.

I'll find her

in a sec.

First, I got a little

business to attend to.

MacGruber, come in.

Jesus Christ.

Where have you been?

Sorry, I just took an upper

decker in the master bathroom.

Upper decker?

Yeah, it's where you take a dump in

the water tank and not in the bowl.

You look great.

Thank you.

Look, Vick,

I'm going to need you to poke

around, see what you can dig up.

I'm way ahead of you.

You see that guy

over there?

I saw him coming out

of Cunth's office.

I think he's one

of his goons.

Which guy?

That handsome guy.

That guy?

You think he's handsome?

Yeah, he's very handsome.

Really? Well, if you

think he's so handsome,

then why don't you

marry him?

No, seriously.

If you think he's so

handsome, go marry him.

Leave the case. Piper

and I will do it. Okay?

Is he that

handsome to you?

Are you willing to

quit your job for him?

No.

Good.

Now that's the guy

I want you to check out.

He's teeming with intel.

What?

Follow that guy,

and that is an order.

And stay away

from that guy,

who I actually would

describe as ugly.

And that is

another order.

So, two orders.

Piper, you got

a location on Cunth?

He appears to be

in the south wing.

On my way.

That guy.

I will see your 25,000

and raise you 50.

He's bluffing.

I can tell by the look

in his beady little eyes.

MacGruber. We've been expecting you.

Bet's to you,

Senator Garver.

I'm all in.

The Senator's

all in for $750,000.

Call.

Straight flush.

Damn it!

My associate will assist you with

your debt, Senator. Good night.

Sorry about that.

Really.

I thought he was

bluffing there, so...

Thank you, MacGruber.

You just made me a teeny-weeny

bit wealthier than I already am.

Well, I'm sure you'll find

something useful to do with it.

Your companion's a very

beautiful young woman.

Thank you.

Hope you enjoy being

date raped, ma'am.

This is my daughter.

Hello.

Sorry.

He killed my wife.

Will you excuse us

for a minute, please?

Where's the X-5?

I don't know what

you're talking about.

Where's the f***ing

warhead?

What would I want

with a nuclear warhead?

I never

said it was nuclear.

That's right, because most

warheads are filled with air.

You know, I ran

into Zeke Pleshette

and Hoss Bender

the other day.

Really?

How were they?

A lot less dead

than they are now.

Oh, really.

That's too bad.

Yeah, it's too bad for you.

'Cause they were a part

of your little dream team

of thugs, weren't they?

Oh, that's right. You got

me. Past tense. They were...

Yeah, it's really quite

a sad story, actually.

What do you mean?

I had assembled the

greatest dream team of thugs

in the history

of the world.

I had them all

in one room,

and I also had

some homemade C-4.

And wouldn't you know it, it exploded.

And I lost them all.

You're shitting me.

You're shitting me!

Well, we have

a lot in common

because I basically did

the same thing...

Oh, no, wait.

That didn't happen to me

because I'm not a f***ing retard

who blows up his own dudes.

F*** you, Cunth.

And by the way,

I have a new team now.

Not only do I have

Vicki St. Elmo...

Maybe you've heard of her?

But I also have one of the greatest

young military minds around.

I mean, this guy's

the real deal.

And we're gonna stop you.

Well, you certainly have a

healthy imagination, MacGruber.

But I don't know anything about

a warhead, nuclear or otherwise.

You're lying. And

you're a piece of sh*t.

We're all done here.

Would you show

Mr. MacGruber the door?

Let me tell you how

this is gonna go down.

First I'm gonna

kick you in the chin,

breaking your jaw

in four places.

I'm gonna take you and

karate flip you over my back,

and then knee your nose into

your brain, killing you instantly.

I do wanna get

a throat rip in here.

I think that's gonna be you, small fry.

One thing I do know, at

the end of the day, Cunth,

I'm gonna rip your dick off

and shove it in your mouth.

And that is

non-negotiable. Who's first?

Sh*t!

My f***ing back.

You did not just do that.

That is a Blaupunkt!

You owe me

a Blaupunkt!

Where's Vicki?

I'm not sure

I can do this.

Vicki, where are you?

Don't do it for yourself.

Do it for your family.

Vicki!

My family?

Good night, Senator.

Vicki, I just got

thrown out of the party.

I got thrown through a window. Shh.

Threw my Blaupunkt out, too.

And it's broken, and I'm

really f***ing bummed about it.

MacGruber, I'm watching Senator

Garver talk to Constantine Bach.

Oh, well, I'm glad that

you're having so much fun

checking out all the cute

guys at the party, Vicki,

but there's a nuclear

threat going on

and we could use all

the help we can get.

So can you please

get out here?

Fine.

First of all,

great party.

Let's get that

out of the way.

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