MacGruber Page #5

I loved the music,

I loved the dancing,

the sushi, excellent.

I particularly enjoyed

being humiliated

by MacGruber in front of my

daughter and all my guests.

By the way, does anyone

know how he got in?

He walked in

the front door, sir.

He walked in

the front door.

I imagined there'd be a more

complicated explanation than that.

Sorry, sir.

Jeff, there's no need

to apologize.

I appreciate

your honesty.

Would you move a bit

to your left, please?

Sir.

Great.

Anyone else feel

like being honest?

Great, hang that in the

foyer and go kill MacGruber.

Damn it, MacGruber!

I specifically told you

not to go in there.

I got him exactly

where I want him.

Do you? 'Cause I think

it's the other way around.

Agree to disagree, Jim.

Look, I'm really

sorry, okay?

"Sorry" is not going to keep us

safe from this goddamn warhead!

Mac, you've turned

into a liability.

And I have no choice but to

take you off this mission.

And this time,

it's for real.

But he has

the passcodes now!

Because you couldn't

stop him.

Jim, you can't do this.

Oh, I can and I just did.

I will suck

your f***ing dick.

I will let you f*** me.

I'm sorry, Mac.

It's over.

I can't stop thinking about that

envelope that Senator Garver got.

I bet there was some

kind of a clue in there.

It's cute that you're still

thinking about that, Vicki.

But, trust me, there's

nothing to Garver.

I have a feeling

in my gut.

Yeah. Sorry.

No, you have nothing

to be sorry about.

Both of you guys have

just done a great job.

If there's anyone

to blame here, it's me.

If it's any consolation,

being with you

the last few days,

I've learned a lot.

All of it was

what not to do,

but that's an important part

of the learning process.

I'm gonna go use

the ladies' room.

Number one

or number two?

Number none-of-your-business.

That means number two.

Shut up!

So when are you

gonna make your move?

What are you

talking about?

Come on, man. You can

see it from a mile away.

Shut your butt!

No, seriously. You two

are perfect for each other.

I mean, look, don't get me

wrong. She's a good woman.

Loyal, great

at what she does,

good-looking,

rocking bod,

smooth dresser,

talented lyricist.

But I can very

confidently tell you

that Vicki and I will

never ever be like that.

Never ever say,

"Never ever."

No, this time I can.

After Casey, I made

a promise to myself

that I would never be

with another woman.

Must have been

really hard.

Why did he do it? Why

did Cunth kill your wife?

To this day,

I have no idea.

We actually all went

to college together.

Believe it or not,

we were very close friends.

Then after graduation,

he got engaged to her.

He asked me

to be his best man

and right about

that time,

I started banging her

and mowing her box.

She was actually

the first person

I felt comfortable

enough around

to let eat

out my butt.

Anyway,

shortly thereafter,

she left him

for me.

She was actually carrying

his child at the time.

I asked her to terminate it, obviously,

so we could

start fresh.

And she agreed.

We were so in love.

And he took

that from me.

That's really f***ed up.

Thanks.

You know,

you're a good guy.

And I need to apologize for something.

No, you don't.

No, I do.

I treated you so badly.

I guess I just felt threatened

by you, believe it or not.

And I'm not used

to feeling that way.

I mean,

I'm f***ing MacGruber.

Water under the bridge.

You know it.

You know it!

Another beer, Grubes?

Let's see,

we got Molsons...

Shh.

What?

We got company.

Piper! No!

Vicki! Get

behind him!

Get in, get in, get in!

I'm trying to get in!

Stay low!

Stay low!

Oh, my God,

is he dead?

Yes! Yes,

he's dead!

Oh, f***!

Holy sh*t!

Oh, my God. I thought we were goners.

How did you know I was

wearing a bulletproof vest?

You're wearing a

bulletproof vest? Awesome!

What, you didn't know?

No, of course

I knew.

I knew the whole

time, yeah.

Pull over

and let me out.

No. Why?

Because you just used me

as a human shield!

I did not! No, I didn't! Yes, you did!

Vicki, did I just use

him as a human shield?

Yeah, you kind of did.

Okay, you're blowing this

out of proportion,

and thanks.

Pull over.

Pull over!

Fine.

Did you just kick my car?

Oh, no, you don't.

No, you don't!

Real mature!

You suck,

MacGruber!

Bye, Piper!

Get home safe!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

My God, what happened

to your leg?

It's nothing. MacGruber,

you've been shot!

I wish it was

through the head.

Don't say that.

Come inside. Let me get

that bullet out of you.

This is gonna

sting a little.

I'm going to remove

the bullet now.

Do you want to

bite down on this?

I deserve pain.

I don't know what happened back there.

I just freaked out.

Everybody makes mistakes.

No.

Not me.

He didn't die.

But he could have.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Or maybe the Colonel was right.

Maybe I've lost it.

Why do you

stick around?

Because I believe

in what you're doing.

You do?

Yes.

You're an amazing man.

You're gorgeous,

you have a perfect body.

A great sense

of style.

You're smart

and brave.

Yeah.

Casey was a very lucky woman

to have a guy like you.

Well, you're a very

special woman, too.

Tell me, why didn't

you ever settle down?

I've only ever

loved one man.

He's taken.

Oh.

He's married?

He was.

But she's still in his

heart, God rest her soul.

I just hope he doesn't blame himself

for her getting blown up

at their wedding.

Maybe one day,

you'll get the courage

to tell him how you feel.

Maybe.

I got it.

MacGruber.

Sorry.

I always get

an erection

when a beautiful woman uses a

pair of pliers near my balls.

MacGruber.

Thank you.

I better get

you sewn up.

No.

Leave it open.

I like holes.

I'm a virgin.

Not for long.

My God, I'm gonna frigging

explode inside you.

I'm going

to spill it.

I'm going

to fill you up.

I'm going

to fill you up.

What? I'm going to fill you up!

Okay. Just let me do the talking. Sorry.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

You were amazing.

I have to go.

What's wrong?

I have to go.

Oh!

Shoot!

MacGruber!

MacGruber!

Wait!

I'm so sorry, Casey.

I just made love

to another woman.

I can't help but feel

that I've betrayed you.

It's okay, MacGruber.

Casey?

It's okay.

Be with Vicki.

But I can't

do that to you.

You have to move on

with your life.

I don't know

what to say.

Then don't

say anything.

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow! Wow! Wow!

Wow! Wow! Wow!

I'm going to shoot.

I'm going

to f***ing shoot.

I'm gonna shoot, too.

Let's shoot together.

Okay.

I shot.

I did, too.

Now go, MacGruber.

Go tell Vicki how

you feel about her.

I will.

Oh, and Casey?

Thanks.

What are the chances?

Go for Grubes.

MacGruber.

Oh, sweet.

Look, I just wanted

to apologize

for how things went

down the other day

and give you

the good news.

Good news?

I'm all ears.

We just received intel

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